anxiety and depression , total paranoia !!!! Posted: 12-07-05 12:02pm
I've been feeling very similar to this
first -poster...
I've suffered from anxiety and depression
before, but never like I do now. I've
always been able to pick myself up before,
but right now I just can't. It's
horrible.
In the last few months my life has become
100% about other people. I have a very
demanding, stressful job, but I also
co-run a couple of very busy online
forums, have been trying to write a book
and have emails flying in every other
minute. I literally barely get a minute
to myself.
I've been with my partner for over four
years, and she's great and very
understanding. Recently, with work, I
went to a party that involved lots of free
drinks. Somehow, I totally let go and
overdid it, and felt as though i'd had a
great night. The next day I was hungover
and hazy, but fine.
A day or so later, that weekend, I began
to get totally paranoid. I work in an
office full of women, so was out with 'the
girls' from work. One of my workmates,
who i'm good friends with, and I spent
most of the evening closely chatting and
laughing together. We had a great time,
linked arms on the way home and generally
had a lot of fun. I know that I was
probably friendlier than usual, but I know
for sure that nothing happened, despite
the drink, as I remember almost all of it
and there's been no funny vibes. Yet,
despite this, I become totally paranoid.
I have never been with anybody other than
my partner, and would know deep inside if
I had- I know nothing did. Somehow, that
weekend, a voice started popping up in my
head telling me that things did happen.
It's become worse and worse- I had about a
week without this feeling- over the last
three or four weeks. Whenever I am calm
and rational, I know, 100% without doubt,
that nothing did happen, yet, whenever
this thought enters my head, it's like i'm
going insane. I pace round inside my own
head screaming at myself, get angry, hot
flushes, sweating and panicky. It is
utterly horrible.
I know this is some form of parnoia or
similar because i've been feeling like it
about other things. When I was a kid I
was bullied, and had no confidence. Now
i'm in a tough job that requires me to be
confident, and I have been, but this is
tearing me apart.
There were a number of recent incidents I
can cite that may have something to do
with this...
I was very nearly mugged at knifepoint. I
managed to see off my attackers, but my
confidence has dropped horribly since
because I didn't physically defend myself-
I more ran away and I feel like a failure
i was out christmas shopping with my
partner recently and pretty much got
attacked for no reason by a much older,
bigger man. He didn't hit me, but he very
nearly did, and I was angry, hurt and
terrified afterwards
this incident at the party
i can no longer hold my drink well at all,
and seem to just drink ridiculously
quickly for no reason
i also recently had a flu jab due to
repeated illness, but still get frequently
unwell
the stresses of my job/vocational work
as well as being paranoid about that
incident, I also feel immense guilt about
everything. I feel like a failure,
worthless and a fraud for being in such a
good job. I worry about money, my health,
pleasing everybody...
This is utterly, utterly horrible and
unbearable. Last night was the worst yet
as I woke up in bed screaming inside. I
normally sleep well, recently i've barely
been sleeping at all.
I understand i'm new to this forum and
this is a big ask, but any help or advice
would be amazing...You may be saving my
sanity
