Ending a Relationship Forum - Divorcing "peacfully" With a Child Involved


Divorcing "peacfully" With a Child Involved

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shinein

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 3

Divorcing "peacfully" With a Child Involved Posted: 12-20-05 13:19pm


Hi eveyrone- my name is leigh and I have been married a little over a year. My husband and I have an 8 month old son together. He is our life. Recently we decided to seek a divorce as after trying and trying and trying, we realize our relationship cannot be mended. We stayed together and discusses continuing to do so for our son, but than we agreed that raising him in a house full of tension was not healthy for him to grow up. We did not want him to learn that was "normal", because it isn't. Anyhow.....There is the story w/o every single detail. My husband is a great man, we just are not good together. He has agreed on my son and I moving away to be with family as he feels our son is best off living with me and not having to be put in daycare. My fear and the reason why i'm writing today is the fear of being a single mom. I never pictured myself in this position and although my husband is more than happy to pay child support, i'm worried about the emotional issues my son may face. Not having his daddy easily "accessible". Wondering why he has to travel to see dad, when he is old enough to realize it. I guess i'm just scared about all the issues a single mother faces. Can someone that has experience with this guide me and give me some encouragement, if there is any? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks for listening. Leigh

loveydovey

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 10
Location: alabama

Know What Your Feeling Posted: 01-04-06 03:13am


Hi, I have been married for about six years now and feel the same way you do. Off and on through the marriage we have had some "issues". In fact today we had a little spat. However, even though I am in the same boat as you kind of, I would say try getting help ( preferably w/ a church ministry). Sometimes it just boils down to something simple. My hubby got a little perturbed today b/c I slacked off on the kitchen. He can't stand a dirty kitchen...Lol!!! Anyway, I feel like joan cleaver except I actually have a degree and can have a career of some sort. It can be all too frustrating! I did not want my daughter in a daycare either. I have stayed at home and managed quite well. My husband thinks that I need a "job", so I guess I leave in the morning to find one... Anyway, good luck!!!!!!!! " a diificulty raiseth the spirt of a great man. He hatha mind to wrestle with it and give it a fall. A man's mind must be very low if the difficulty doth not make part of his pleasure." - lord halifax

tawnie_j

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 05 Jan 2006
Posts: 19
Location: Texas

Been There, Doing That... Posted: 01-06-06 17:22pm


That sounds like my first relationship (now #2 is hell!!) my first husband and I were married for 5 mos. Before separating. We, also could not get along, but he is a wonderful person!! Our son was 10 mos. Old when I left him, he is now almost 3. At first it was really hard, living on my own, and taking care of him by myself (all by myself, no family anywhere near here). However, my son always has the opporitunity to call his daddy anytime he wants and vice-versa. My ex and I follow the standard custody order, every other weekend, every other holiday etc. He pays child support every month, and he and I get a long wonderfully now!! He is fixing to get remarried, and my son now has two families and he loves it!!! There for a while he would ask, " where's my daddy?" and I would honestly explain to him where he was. That is the 1st most important thing, always be honest and tell them the whole truth, but do not speak badly of their father in front of them or to them. Do not speak badly of your previous relationship and do not try to win them over. A child's love is naturally divided, and trying to change that will make them end up hating you. Be strong and just be a mommy, someday someone special will come into your life, and everything will change. Just make sure it's the right person, unlike me. I found someone shortly after the divorce and thought that he was wonderful, we conceived and have since had a child together and now i'm miserable and i've introduced my 1st son to a whole new family and now that's going to diminish as well. Remember: 1st priority is to be a mommy, do whats best for your child. Everything else will fall naturally into place.

loveydovey

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 10
Location: alabama

:( Posted: 01-07-06 16:33pm


Sorry, but I don't really agree w/ your last post. I think this is what is wrong with america's kids today. They are living in unstable environments. It is good that you know that you and your husband can't get along now, but I was encouraging you to try to work it out by talking to a minister or church official. So many of our marriage conselors now advicate divorce if you "just can't get along" well..You got along fine prior to having a child. And I am speaking for myself too, I think that too many people use the asy route to get out. My advice is not to keep having relationships as this only causes confusion for your children. Having 3 and four moms and dads is not howe it should be. Just my opinion...And good luck :)

shinein

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 3

Re: :(
Posted: 01-08-06 17:16pm

loveydovey wrote:

sorry, but I don't really agree w/ your last post. I think this is what is wrong with america's kids today. They are living in unstable environments. It is good that you know that you and your husband can't get along now, but I was encouraging you to try to work it out by talking to a minister or church official. So many of our marriage conselors now advicate divorce if you "just can't get along" well..You got along fine prior to having a child. And I am speaking for myself too, I think that too many people use the asy route to get out. My advice is not to keep having relationships as this only causes confusion for your children. Having 3 and four moms and dads is not howe it should be. Just my opinion...And good luck :)

sounds like you thought the last post was me (shinein) but it isn't, it is someone completely different. Just wanted to straighten that out.

But do let me respond to your suggestion of working things out with a minister, church official, or for that matter, anyone else that is there is help in these situations. What most people have a hard time believing or maybe understanding, is that our relationship cannot be mended. It simply cannot. We don't argue and fight like dogs, we spat. So this isn't a violent or ill-tended relationship. It's just an unhealthy, unhappy, non-marriage like relationship. We are like acquaintances with a marriage license. It may sound unfeeling and wrong, but that is what it can be called from our viewpoint.

This relationship was not destroyed by one of us or both. Him and I are too different to share a union. There is love but not the "in love". I care for him as the parent of my child and vice versa. We were contemplating staying together for our son's sake, but realized it really was not good for him at all. Raising a child in an atmosphere with no love between mommy and daddy is not normal, nor, most importantly, fair.

This was not decided on lightly. This is not easy for anyone. But with that being said, I can say that i'm glad I am doing this while our son is still a baby. It's harder the longer you wait. He is our priority and i'm confident this will be best for him. My husband and I are completely amicable and we respect each other enough to never "trash talk" each other to our child. We have no reason to anyways. We are both good people, just not good together.

In my opinion, when the relationship is meant to be, or when two people are ***truly*** in love, it can work with enough work, ie..Counseling. But not in our situation.

danthadon

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 24 Dec 2005
Posts: 53
Location: BC

Just Curious Posted: 01-10-06 23:04pm


What were the main factors that interrupted your marriage. Divorce is just something i'm scared of for my future marriage. I dont want to fail in mine. What was so dysfunctional about yours?? And I hope that you find the right man that makes you happy because once you do find the one that is able to change for you thats when you know you found tha right one. Your best bet is a christian guy :wink: i know you'l find love once again, my prayers are all for you. Take care of yourself