How Do I Tell Him? He's Not Good At It...

Ok..Here are some questions I have for you. When you say long distance, how far? You are in pa, and he is in?? You said he has had sex a lot more than you. How old is he? How old are you? How often do you two get together? What do you know of his sex life so far? Answering these things first will help me to help you.

Hi teach - thanks for answering.

To answer your questions: he's in sc. We're both late 30's. I'm a late bloomer compared to him (that's how come he's had more years experience - he started younger). I've visited sc 3x, but only on the last 2 occasions did we have sex. Before me, he was in a married 10 years+ recently (divorce pending).

Don't know how this factors in for you, but there you are. I would add though that the reason i'm not willing to just cut him loose and find someone else, is because I really like him a great deal. I'm hopeful that this problem can be fixed if I go about it right.

What's your advice now?

Anyone else? Please help!!!

Don't make a big issue out of it. I mean, don't sit down with him and say "hey I want to talk about the lack of satisfaction I am getting from you in sex because you seem too selfish!!"

rather, when you are having sex, in the middle of changing positions or what not, tell him gently "hey I want you to lick my vagina now" or "mmm let me suck you out". Then see what he does. If he goes ahead with it fine. If he gets offended then it looks like he will be selfish forever.

Thanks spanky. I had to think about your answer for a minute, though. First, I was all like "don't make a big deal out of it!!?!!!?" I think I get you now...

About the selfish part - ouch, that stings a bit - even though i'm the one complaining about him. And maybe like all women sweet on a man, I knee-jerk want to defend him. Because, in the midst of doing it, he will do what I ask for a bit of time, but then stop and go back to 'his way' and throughout he talks and praises me -- and the 3rd time I mentioned when I was on top we talked and he stroked my back from shoulders to butt, increasing that as the heat rose....He always stays close after it's over, doesn't jump off me or get up - which I love, since he's been on top he lays on me, his body is light so that's wonderful and warm, or when he comes back from the bathroom he gets in bed and cuddles and will stay wrapped up with me as long as I want, so in alot of ways there's a lot more thought and care here than it seems.

I'm just dumbfounded by him all otherwise, because I expect a man to be so turned on by the idea of being w/ a woman - esp a woman he's known for a long time but never been able to get at for years....When the chance comes I expected him to be all over her....Hands everywhere, lips, tongue...You know??!?! And to not even ever try to touch her 'kitty' - under any context - very very odd to me. (he has no problem with me touching his penis though). It's like he's shy or reserved or just strange about it...All of it. (spanky, if he doesn't even put his hand on it, how you think i'm gonna get his mouth on it?!??!? :-o)

also, i'm frustrated because his way doesn't allow me the time I crave to get my hands, lips, tongue all over him (he's body is to die for)...It's a big deal!

Still looking for all your help out here! If you know what i'm experiencing here -- how did/do you get your lover on the same page with you?

Please ladies, help!! :(

It all depends on the guy, me personally, would feel embarrassed if a woman told me I wasn't doing it how I wanted, but i'd appreciate it in the long-term if it made me a better lover.

I think it would also be sexy and a turn on if you said it in the explicit language during the encounter like...."lick my vagina baby....Taste me"....It's then less likely to take offence.

But seriously, sex isn't worth it unless your both enjoying it so try the dirty talk telling him what you want. It's the best way!

I am in the same boat as you are.. My husband is simply no good in bed.. In the 4 yrs that we have been together, I have made myself "o".. I cant remember one single time that he was succesful.. He is short and quick about sex.. I have accepted that I love him to death and have just given up trying to be pleasured because it wont happen.. :) I am satisfied with that only because he is the love of my life and I wouldnt leave him or have sex with anyone else just because he is no good in bed..

Thanks so much for the last responses! I know my thread's only been up a day - but when you're hungry for input - it's like watching a pot boil!

Thanks so much for a man's view skav! I really appreciate your input. I'm worried the most about hurting his feelings and his ego - don't ever want to do that. Glad to hear that you as a man would rather be a better lover than kept in the dark about what's not working for your woman. I'm not afraid of talking dirty - i'll keep that in my suggestion box :) - he seems so shy now, wonder if dirty words would make it worse though?

Mbree, thanks too. It hurts my heart to hear your story though - because i've done the crystal ball thing (imagining the future from where I stand now) -- I couldn't imagine letting this go on. Like you said, you've had to give yourself the "o" - and since w/ him, the only "o's" i've had have been by myself!! Not good, not good. I'm the one-at-a-time type too - so looking for someone local to 'take care of business' is not even interesting to me. Right now, and for now, it's him and no one else. I just want all parts of us to be good - you know?


Skav - if you're still here -- how about sending him a little erotica by mail? I have a pocket version kama sutra -- how big a hint would that be if I mailed it to him? As a man, if a woman sent you that in the mail - what would you think? (it's got pictures and everything!)

can't wait to hear from the rest of you out there! I really appreciate all feedback!

Thanks for answering my questions. It mattered because of these reasons:

age: sometimes younger adults have not had enough experience, or lack knowledge.

Distance: was wondering if maybe he has others on the side, making you just the wham bam thank you mam out of town woman that nobody knows about.

I felt compelled to respond to your post because my husband is the same exact way. I truly feel for you. I do not see wanting to be sexually satisfied as being selfish. Every strong intimate couple deserves to be satisfied sexually, and equally.

I am 30, and my husband is 27. We have only been together since march. The only reason my husband and I have discussed our own sexual problems is because he brought it up. I am hard to please, only climaxing through a combination of clitoral and g-spot stimulation.

I will give my husband credit. He really doesn't enjoy trying to stimulate me using his hands, but once or twice a month he at least attempts to do so. He isn't always successful. This is, in part, because we have not been together very long. During regular intercourse he does at least try to last longer, and do me the way I like it to give me some satisfaction, even though I can never really climax that way alone.

But, anyway. He brought it up by asking me what he was doing wrong. Since he brought it up I thought I would be honest about it and tell him. Bad choice!!! He really took offense to my honesty. He took it personally, feeling like a failure. He took it so poorly that for a couple of months afterwards he was worried about having any kind of sex at all for fear of failing at it.

I had to encourage him over and over that it wasn't neccesarily him, but that it was me, because I am so hard to please, and to try and not take it so personally.

Sex is a little better now, although we still have problems with me being satisfied. He has a much lower sex drive than myself, and a lot less energy. Many nights I am left feeling horny and restless/anxious, while he is laying next to me snoring away. Pleasing myself is ok to get me by, but it just doesn't feel anything at all like when he touches me. It isn't as satisfying.

I really have to catch myself from feeling any resentment towards him. I love him with all my heart. This is the best relationship I have ever been in. I would never stray just to gain sexual satisfaction. I wouldn't want to hurt him, nor what we have together, by doing that.

I have tried talking to him, even telling him that I could show him what feels good to me. I have also asked him what I could do to make things better for him. He just doesn't seem to want to openly discuss these things with me. I find that frustrating, because I think it would help us to talk about it. The couple of times we have discussed it he ended up taking it personally and feeling like a failure. This even though I talked only positively, and without judgement. The only thing he has said to me is that what I do for him is fine.

Through this whole process so far I make sure to tell him during, and afterwards, what felt really good. I will say that he can make me feel sooooo good for so long, more so than anyone has ever been able to do, even though he can't take me over the edge to climax.

The game idea sounds like a good one. I also like the love coupons. Have you seen those? I have some saved on my computer that I could email to you to try out. It may also help to read a book together, or watch an instructional video together, to get some ideas. Maybe by doing it together he won't feel intimidated. Approach it by saying that since you are really inexperienced, that you would like to learn how to become a better lover. Then ask him if he would join you in the learning process, and ask him if you can both take turns trying out the different suggestions in the book/video. That way the focus is on you wanting to learn, not on him being inadequate.

I am not sure if all of this helps you in any way. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thanks a million teach for your reply!! I had to get offline early yesterday and could only glimpse at it briefly. Couldn't wait to get here today and read it! It was well worth the wait too!! I truly appreciate your openness - and empathy :).

I see now why you wanted to know our ages -- I wish it were that we were both just young and experienced - no such luck. I'm too baffled because I know my guy has been active since his late teens (me, my mid/late 20's), and he's had many girlfriends....I just assumed that along the way he'd have learned a great deal more about what it takes to please a woman....Plus just the desire factor should make for more moves....Very baffling.

I also understand why you speculate about other partners since we're long distance. I realize that could be the case (for us both), but i'm convinced it isn't so for him. He is a very old-fashioned southern gentleman type -- and he's become very spiritual in these later years of his life -- we talked about sex/intimacy way before becoming involved - so I know his views are 'one woman' etc. Besides though, even if it were true - that he had others local to satisfy him -- if I were a man like that - i'd still take full advantage of my player ways -- i'd get the most out of every sexual encounter I had - with every single woman - local and distant. I wouldn't wham bam -- i'd try to hit it out the ball park every time -- after all, I got all these women - why not really enjoy all of them? -- so no, I don't think anyone else is in his life -- and even if she were - I doubt she's getting any different treatment...You know?

One thing I do want to pick up on -- I hope I don't offend you with -- but I don't think you are too hard to please. I think it's a biological fact that a woman needs clitoral (and g-spot if she's lucky enough to have found it) stimulation primarily to orgasm -- or to incite it to happen with intercourse. Just because you need this (we all do) and can't 'o' without it isn't a fault of yours. It the way we're made and it's perfectly fine. Past that though - I don't know why reaching a climax doesn't happen for you when your husband can please you right up to there......I just wanted to say something to that -- I don't think it's a fault of yours or that you're any different from any of us....

I'm glad the board game seems a good idea to you....A couple arrived in the mail and I really like one of them (called lust) -- it has cards that ask for the very things I want to have done and do -- from tender kissing and touching to more suggestive and arousing actions -- a very good mix. I'm hopeful that he will be open to this approach....I'm leaning in this direction.

Oh yeah, i've heard about the love coupons....But for some reason they seemed more right for someone with a day-to-day love, someone you see frequently enough to cash in on them, you know? (thanks for offering to send some -- i'll keep it in mind for later, if my thread lasts a while)

thanks again everyone who has replied so far. Anyone else looking in -- what's your opinion? Please share your thoughts, experiences, and advice.

Looking forward to more help here :)!

Skav--very good suggestion, but some guys are put off by the "nasty talk", while others think it is just the icing on the cake. My opinion this guy is the romantic and sensitive kind which is just wonderful--and I dont really know if he would be into nasty talk, erotic games and the like. Just my opinion.

Hope it will get better--cuz I think you really found an absolute winner in this guy.

Good luck

Thanks ffo2 for joining in!

Especially thank you for saying such a sweet thing about my guy :). I agree with you - he is a real winner. He truly is a very caring loving man...And in the romance department, technical issues aside, just as caring and loving.

I appreciated skav's point of view (talk dirty)...And i'll feel that out sometime. But you're right...For my guy this may not be the best approach. I mean, I could seductively request this or that (we joke and flirt with innuendo terms etc very comfortably), but dirty talk isn't his style towards me, and I feel he's the sensitive type and that might not be his taste at all.

Still looking forward to new insights from others! What other thoughts or suggestions are out there?

Please join in!

You did not offend me at all. I stated that he can make feel so good for so long. Boy, can he! I have never been with anyone who can do that to me. Usually I get way too sensitive and have to stop. Not with my hubby. It feels good almost all of the time, the whole time.

The reason why he can't take me over the edge is that just when he is doing something right, and just when I am on edge, he changes what he is doing. Believe me, when I am on edge my body language announces it to the world. My whole body shakes uncontrolably and I can't help but moan with pleasure. During this time I have also told him, "that feels so good, don't stop." however, it seems shortly after, his fingers/hand moves again and I lose the edge. It is like having to start all over again.

I am not sure if it is because his hands cramp up on him, or what. I know that has been the case a few times. We do not own any toys, but have talked about it. I used to own a cheap vibrator, but my ex hubby was jealous of it, and I threw it away during a fight. He was even the one who bought it for me without my knowledge! Anyway, my new hubby and I have at last discussed the option of purchsing toys. At least he is open to that. I still don't have as strong of an orgasm with toys as I do when his fingers are doing the work. It just doesn't feel the same to me. Same for when I please myself. It just is never as strong.

I am just hoping that with time it will all improve. I think that he would try to please me more often if it didn't take so much effort. Then again, I think the only way it would take less effort is to practice until we get it right..Lol.

The other thing is, unless he is trying to please me with his hands, there is lack of foreplay. Much like your situation. Normally he kisses my mouth and neck a couple of times, maybe sucks on one of my nipples, and then checks to see if I am wet. If I am he climbs on top and pumps away. A few times he has been frustrated if I am not wet after he does this two minute foreplay session. One timw when he was frustrated I actually told him that maybe if he put a little more effort into the foreplay session I would be more wet. I explained to him that sometimes i, and all women, need to be warmed up for a good 15 minutes before starting actual intercourse. However, it just seems that any advice I give him just doesn't stick for some reason.

And, get this. He has been with 8 girls (so he says), and he is # 9 for me. He says that most of the other girls he has been with were able to orgasm by vaginal intrcourse alone. Ha! I told him that nearly 90% of all women need additional stimulation, primarily clitoral, to orgasm. That women who can orgasm by vaginal intercourse alone are few and far between. His only reply was, "well gee, thanks for deflating my ego." he is so funny.

I will tell you that being here talking about this does help to ease the frustration a bit. It is always good to know that others have the same problems.

Good luck with everything!!

Hi, again. I finally made it back! I didn't have computer access for a week- and worse, I only have a second to type right now.

I just wanted to thank you teach sooo much for your last post. I truly appreciate all your candor and openness. I have sooo much to say back - but not enough time right now. If you look back here next week - please do. I want to reply to you fully. I'll be back online after the new year!

Meanwhile, if anyone else on the boards are looking in - do you have any thoughts, advice, experiences? Man or woman - please chime in :)! All input is welcome!

Happy new year!!!!!

Back as promised.

If you're there - hi teach, and thanks again for being so very frank and open with me in your last post :)! I'm glad I didn't offend you with my observations about it being difficult for you to reach the big 'o' -- I see you understood what I was trying to say.

Well, maybe we could trade guys ;) -- because i'm pretty sure if my guy was as 'handy' as yours on the happy place - for as long as he does it and the way he does it -- i'm think I could make it over the edge ;)! Pretty darn sure as a matter of fact!

So to trade -- i'd have to give you my guys 'mouthiness' -- on the boobs. Because he has that down to a science. He stays there and has a great old time for himself (and me!!) -- and to top that off - when it's over (the sex, and he's climaxed, and I haven't) - he goes back to them for his dessert. I realized that he there's some hope in his love of my nipples -- he can tell it arouses me, but I realized it something he particularly craves......My point is for this i'd say he's very oral fixated. Now, if I could just get him to move a lot lower on the body with those strong lips and amazing tongue -- i'd be in heaven.

Oh, trust me teach, I feel your pain about the sad foreplay. Sharing sorrows -- my guy only french kisses. That's it. There's no tender nibbling or teasing kisses to build up the anticipation or excitement. Whether it's a kiss hello, goodbye, or whatever - it's straight tongue in mouth for me.....And really, that's abrupt for me...I want to be seduced with a variety of kisses. In sex, I get maybe 3 or so of those - great nipple play - then off to work he goes....

I know you feel my pain :).....

Still grappling with the right way to bring this subject up -- and just the right way to phrase it.

Anybody out there - have you had to tell a lover you weren't satisfied in bed? What did you say? I keep running a script in my head and it seems to keep going downhill....I start of nice and positive, but then I get really explicit about what is not happening for me and exactly what I need/want to get me to the top....And when I hear it in my head it just sounds critical in the end.

Anybody else out there - have any pointers? Still open to more insights, suggestions, experiences.

Thanks again to everyone so far who's been so open and helpful. I truly appreciate all your help :)!

Hey hun!

I haven't read all of your replies (because i'm just not that patient), so if someone already suggested this, sorry.

Since you mentioned that this is a long distance relationship, you should have plenty of opportunities to hint at things you'd like without telling him that he's doing it wrong. If you're chatting online, you can steer the conversation toward sex and tell him some things you'd like to do to him, then let him have a turn. If he doesn't catch on, tell him what you want him to do and ask what he'd like in return. You could also do that on the phone if you're brave. Or if you're planning a weekend trip, you could write him an erotic story about an encounter you'd like to have that weekend and email it to him before you leave so he'll have something to think about until you get there.

Remember, just because he has more years of experience doesn't mean he has more experience. 10 years of that was with the same woman, and she doesnt sound like she was much fun in the bedroom. Don't be afraid to show him a good time, and to show him how to give you a good time. I'm sure he'd rather have his pride bruised a little bit by you helping him please you now than continue doing it 'wrong' and find out down the line that you haven't been enjoying it.

Good luck with your new guy!

Naaa...I wouldn't trade my guy for the world. While it may be frustrating to not be able to orgasm with him as much as I would like, he still makes up for it in all other areas. I would rather have a lifetime of .O.K. Decent sex with a wonderful man, than a lifetime of out-of-this-world orgasm most times sex with a man who is a jerk.

Maybe once our baby is born, and my stomach is back to a more normal size, things will get a bit easier for us to try some new things..Lol. That is another things. Maybe being about 5 months pregnant has something to do with my ability to relax enough go over that edge? It is a possibility. Whatever it may be, only time, practice, and him being able to openly discuss sex with me is going to cure it.

I have been mulling over having that discussion with him again soon to see if he will open up to me about what we could do/try to enhance everything. I will let you know if I do, and how it goes.

Hey ladies :)!
(and gentlemen - if any of you are peeking in!)

hey lustbug - thanks for coming by! And thanks for the suggestions!

Actually, I think i'm one step ahead of you - in my mind at least -- because I was thinking of clever ways to talk in the gap of time before we next meet (no trip scheduled yet - so sex looks a ways off).

I remembered that tickle.Com has some great quizzes on sex and I was going to ask my guy to take some tests with me - just for fun, but also because I wanna know what he'd say if asked about some sexy things! I think he'd go for it because last time I was there he agreed to do 2 test about career stuff - he was open and willing and it was fun...I got to know some good stuff about him....

And you must be psychic - because I was thinking that before the next trip, i'd write him an erotic story - starring he and i!!! To get him ready - but also to get the fantasy planted in his head -- of course my story would be foreplay city and great slow sensual intercourse (with more play while it goes!).......

You probably missed it - in one earlier post -- I did send him a pocket sized kama sutra book (you know those mini snippet books)...And he said he really liked it -- it had explicit text bytes and watercolor drawings of couples having much fun in many ways....So there's a little ground work already laid......I was going to send him another book, the perfumed garden - because it's a 'gentleman's guide to sex' basically - with strong admonitions and instructions for a man that the only way to really please a woman is foreplay, foreplay, foreplay, and more foreplay...Amen, brother!

But, I like the tickle test idea the best...That way you know, it's random chosen questions from a neutral unknown party -- so all the questions won't seem like me focusing on him -- it's us having a titillating time q & a'ing about sex....Good, no?

And I have to say - after what i've experienced w/ him - you're right -- his extra years of experience don't seem to have made a good difference -- and if his ex didn't request or require more than what i've experienced with him, then he didn't benefit there either....Actually, considering what I know and feel, I see that I could teach him waaaaaay more than I assumed he'd end up teaching me!!!! I'm more than ready the next time we get together to blow his mind....And get mind floating away on clouds of orgasm(s) too! It's go time ;)!!!

Hey teach - thanks for getting back :)! Uh, yeah, being 5 months pregnant might have a bit to do with it :-o!!! Lol i've never been pregnant, but surely your body's changing shape may mean something in sensations and alterations in what happens......Although i've heard some other women say they have the best sex while pregnant - either it's the hormones or the fact that there's no worry of getting pregnant (= relaxed mind, relaxed body, open for the 'o')! Maybe as you get further along you'll see or feel things differently? Here's hoping :)!

Well, signing off for now - but thanks so much again ladies for your good thoughts! I won't have computer access for a few days, but i'd still love it new onlookers jump in the discussion!

Anyone else have suggestions, thoughts, personal experiences on this subject? Don't forget - a man's 2cents is worth millions here - so any guy out there, please feel free to advise me.

Also, if you did have this problem and you solved it -- did it happen 'overnight'? I mean, let's say you tell your man what's what -- did it all get dramatically better immediately? Or was it a time of trial and error until smooth sailing?

Hope to hear from you out there! Every bit of input is really appreciated.