Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Erection Failure: a Man's Point of View... Please... Posted: 12-21-05 18:19pm
I've been seeing my boyfriend for 3 or 4
months now. He's 24. He's the sweetest
guy ever... Emmensely attractive, a good
socialiser, intelligent, caring, funny and
sensitive.
The first time I went back back to his and
we tried to initiate sex, he couldnt get
an erection... At least not a substantial
enough one. I've only ever had one sexual
partner before, and it happened to him for
a long long time, so i'm not a stranger to
this happening, but I am by far an expert
on how to deal with it. I knew he'd been
drinking, so I put it down to that, told
him not to worry about it, made it
lighthearted and we didnt talk about it
any further. However every time since
then it has been the same case. I told
him he can trust me to talk about what
he's thiking... To tell me what's wrong,
but I never said much, cos I think if I
talk about it it'll serve to draw
attention to it. All I said to him was
that he seemed nervous, I didnt think any
less of him, and that if he wasnt ready
that's fine - take your time, it's no
race, no pressure.
But if i'm honest, that experience, for
me, instantly put barriers up between us
as far as our sex life is concerned. I
dont know when or if i'm allowed to touch
him... I dont know whether I should take
the lead or leave it up to him so as not
to put on the pressure.
Well, the other night we spoke about it
for the first time. He's a virgin. There
have been three girls before me
apparently, and the same thing happened
with them. He said "i'm just broken... I
don't work properly". It's like he's just
come to accept the fact that he "doesnt
work", ... Like he predicts it's going to
happen every time so he just doesn't
bother taking it too far. He told me he
thinks he's wasting my time... That he
understands that sex is a big part of
life... That he's missing out on it, and
that for as long as i'm with him i'll be
missing out too. He said "dont you want
to find someone who can give you what you
want?"... As though he's resigned. This
upsets me so much how little confidence he
has in himself... He is so beautiful, and
I tell him so. I told him I think he's
worth waiting for... Since i've been with
him I havent wanted to be with any other
guys... It's true. I told him I dont see
sex as a matter of "performance"... More
as a shared, mutual experience. I told
him how silly I thought he was for
thinking i'd dump him over this.
I'm convinced it isn't anything medical-
he can get and maintain erections on his
own, it's just when another person is
brought into the equation he feels like
he's being watched or something. What it
boils down to is he doesn't know how to
have sex with someone. He's always been
quite solitary, and he doesnt know how to
be that close to someone else... To
expose himself.
I want to do anything I can to make this
work for him
tell me this: are you a guy in this
position? How would you want your
girlfriend to react? What should I say to
make him more at ease? How can I initiate
sex without putting on the pressure?
Should I leave it to him? Essentially...
Where do I go from here?
Your input would mean so much to me.
Please reply...
|
Noooo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-21-05 19:29pm
Yeah. Im experiencing the same thing at
the moment. Im not a virgin though so I
imagine there is more pressure for him.
It's all because of anxiety I think.
Unfortunatly, anxiety medication like
xanax all have sexual side effects for men
so thats not an option.
For him since he's never experienced it
there is alot of pressure to perform.
There is no easy way but you have to try
to take off that pressure. I think you
should do most of the work the first
couple of times to get him more
comfortable. Assure him that it's anxiety
related and while you dont expect anything
from him, both of you should try at it
because it will make him feel better about
it once he's comfortable with the
idea...Just lie a little if you have too.
Also try it at different times of the day,
there are peaks through out the day for
men. Atleast im that way. I generaly
have more desires in the mornings after
waking up or early in the evening. Late
at night doesnt always work for me.
You could also get him to try some viagra
the first few times. It could help brake
the ice.
Hope this helps, it's just a very
complicated issue and it's unpredictable
at times. Just try not to put any
pressure on him.
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-21-05 19:39pm
Thanks for your reply
i think your right about taking the lead.
I know I should. Thing is, it's been a
dent in my confidence as well as his. I
always hated going on top. Feel silly,
dont think im any good at it, and I get no
pleasure out of it. That's what worries
me.
I really hate the idea of using drugs like
viagra and the like... I like to think it
comes naturally to him if you know what I
mean. He'd be unbelieveably embarrassed
if I suggested such a thing, but from
similar experiences with my ex, I cant say
I havent thought about it... But I think
if he took a pill it'd be a case of
"right... I've gotta perform..." so it'd
be too much pressure. So I wondered
would I get some myself and slip it into
his tea or something so he doesnt know...
Is that an acceptable thing to do? :s
|
Noooo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-21-05 20:09pm
Hmmm. No I wouldnt do it that way.
First off because it makes it seem like
your desperatly trying to get him "to
work". Second, it might scare him because
it will be noticable and might have other
side effects that he might not be used to.
It's a trust issue aswell, he has to
trust you.
Your better off talking with him about it.
It's just to brake the ice. Then again
he might not need that and it could be a
matter of time before he gets comfortable.
Just try to be supportive and make him
feel like your ready whenever he is. You
guys could try sleeping naked for a little
while. It could brake some of the
tension.
|
ProZackMI
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Aug 2005 Posts: 64
Posted: 12-22-05 12:22pm
What's his general health like? Any
medications? Any recent stressful or
traumatic events in his life (e.G., loss
of job, financial problems, death of
friend or family member, work problems,
etc.)?
Some suggestions:
1) let him take the lead sexually; don't
come on too strong, many guys hate that.
2) if he's not acting very sexual toward
you, maybe you need to change your
approach. It could be you and not him in
this case. Can he masturbate with an
erection?
3) try fingering his ass/prostate. Try
sucking his testicles. Try new
positions. Try variety and change your
routine. Make it exciting for him and
you. He might just be bored with your
sex life.
Just some suggestions.
|
faromatacoma
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 1 Location: Alabama
Erection Problems Posted: 12-22-05 13:09pm
I think it is for sure an emotional
problem. Sometimes the woman has to take
the lead in turning on the man. She has
to make him feel like she wants it just as
bad. Im 22 but I was recently with a 31
yr old woman and man was she great. But
now i'm with a 22 yr old and im nervous
with her. She makes me feel awkward, she
says shes tired all the time and when she
wants to I dont want because she takes to
damn long with the foreplay. I know once
a guy sticks a new girl for the first
time, there is no more aniexty or sexual
dysfunction. It happened at least once
to every guy I talked to, sometimes you
just need time. Try sleeping naked at
night with each other and maybe that might
work. Tell him to relax and play with
his peni
|
Pedro
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Dec 2005 Posts: 35 Location: california
Re: Erection Problems Posted: 12-22-05 21:33pm
faromatacoma
wrote:
i think it is for sure an
emotional problem. Sometimes the woman
has to take the lead in turning on the
man. She has to make him feel like she
wants it just as bad. Im 22 but I was
recently with a 31 yr old woman and man
was she great. But now i'm with a 22 yr
old and im nervous with her. She makes
me feel awkward, she says shes tired all
the time and when she wants to I dont want
because she takes to damn long with the
foreplay. I know once a guy sticks a
new girl for the first time, there is no
more aniexty or sexual dysfunction. It
happened at least once to every guy I
talked to, sometimes you just need time.
Try sleeping naked at night with each
other and maybe that might work. Tell
him to relax and play with his
peni
no you are wrong. I have the same problem
as her bf. I have had real sex 2 times
after long periods or time of working on
my self an foreplay. The last girl I was
with I couldnt even get a rock hard
irection to medical question her. Guess
iam ''broken'' like your bf. But from
what ive learned its nerves.
Try watching some porn with him and
jacking him off. Then when hes hard give
him a blow job. Then after that he will
be ready and rock hard for shure. Good
luck
|
brownsquare
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2005 Posts: 4
Re. Erection Problems Posted: 12-23-05 03:12am
I also suffer from this same problem. I
have only had sex a few times, and I can
never manage to keep an erection when we
try. Later that night I will wake up
with a raging hardon while the g/f is
asleep. I just don't get it. I have a
hard time talking to her about it, but I
think for me it would be helpful to just
experiment with oral sex for a while.
Figure out up close what works and what
doesn't, because I think deep down it
comes from a fear of not knowing what to
do and how to do it. Then maybe next
time try again with "real" sex.
So to sum it up, let him just explore your
body and see what he can do!
|
fantasy83
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2005 Posts: 6
Posted: 12-23-05 07:07am
Sometimes I have these problem too, the
first time(sex) I have it too.
I dunno if this will work for your bf but
if I want to really make sure I can
"peform" with a certain important gal.
I'd take a product called libidus. Its
herbal and safe(fda registered, japan
ministry of health approval and stuff like
that)
the product claimed to increase libido
(which I think might be my prob) so I gave
it a try and it work for me.
I bought it at libidus7.Com
|
Noooo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-23-05 07:21am
prozackmi
wrote:
make it exciting for him
and you. He might just be bored with
your sex life.
.
i dont think a virgin can be bored with
something he hasnt done yet.:)
sorry, just had to say that.
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-23-05 07:50am
This is all very overwhelming.......
I'm really not interested in watching porn
with him...
Jesus, I just want to have normal sex with
my normal boyfriend.
We've never had sex before, so indeed, how
can he be bored? If i've never had sex
with him, i'm not gonna start randomly
sucking on his balls or sticking my finger
up his arse.... All this is gonnna do is
make him feel highly uncomfortable in my
opinion. It's not that i'm a prude -
far from it - but I think experimentation
is something you introduce slowly... And
only after you become sexually active.
As it happens I did try to give him a blow
job before. I had him straddled, kissing
him, rubbing my breasts over his chest....
I could feel he was hard, so I kissed
and fondled all down his body, and took
off his boxers, but the second my lips
touched his penis it was soft again. I
kept at it for a while, but it seemed like
a dead loss and was making me feel
uncomfprtable, so I said something like
"its ok if your not in the mood, we'll try
another time" and I gave him a back
massage instead.
I think oral is probably the best way to
introduce the idea of sex, but after that
experience i've lost all confidence. I
think it's a good way to be intimate with
him. I'd love him to go down on me, but
if he never offers I dont know how or if
to ask.
|
Pedro
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Dec 2005 Posts: 35 Location: california
Posted: 12-23-05 14:23pm
fiona05
wrote:
this is all very
overwhelming.......
I'm really not interested in watching porn
with him...
Jesus, I just want to have normal sex with
my normal boyfriend.
We've never had sex before, so indeed, how
can he be bored? If i've never had sex
with him, i'm not gonna start randomly
sucking on his balls or sticking my finger
up his arse.... All this is gonnna do
is make him feel highly uncomfortable in
my opinion. It's not that i'm a prude
- far from it - but I think
experimentation is something you introduce
slowly... And only after you become
sexually active.
As it happens I did try to give him a blow
job before. I had him straddled, kissing
him, rubbing my breasts over his chest....
I could feel he was hard, so I kissed
and fondled all down his body, and took
off his boxers, but the second my lips
touched his penis it was soft again. I
kept at it for a while, but it seemed like
a dead loss and was making me feel
uncomfprtable, so I said something like
"its ok if your not in the mood, we'll try
another time" and I gave him a back
massage instead.
I think oral is probably the best way to
introduce the idea of sex, but after that
experience i've lost all confidence. I
think it's a good way to be intimate with
him. I'd love him to go down on me, but
if he never offers I dont know how or if
to ask.
iam no doctor. And I dont have the
sameproblem as your bf. I get nervous
when im going to penetrate, but ive never
had a problem when a girl has given me a
blow job. Im always ready for that. I
can get an irection but when the nerves
kick in the irection is not 'strong'
enough to penetrate. But oral, well there
is no penetration. More of a open up down
suck suck mechanism.
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-23-05 17:40pm
Yeah? Hmm.. In his case it's probably
an intimacy issue then. I think he
doesnt like me seeing him naked. To the
extent that when he gets up in the morning
he actually wont even change his boxers in
front of me. He just wears the same ones
then next day. This is excessive.....
Also it may be a simple case of physical
exhaustion... He works 12 hour days...
Starting work at 5am in the morning.
It's no wonder the poor guy's tired.
I think the idea of sleeping naked is a
good one. I'll put it to him.
I think pills, whether chemical or herbal,
is something i... Well... We would go to
as a last resort..
Out of interest, do people think it's rude
for a girl to ask for oral sex? :s
|
Noooo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-23-05 18:22pm
No it's not rude. But it might make him
feel like he's no good at pleasuring
you.
Since were on the subject fiona I would
like to get a girls perspective on this,
since im having this issue with a new girl
I met. Im attracted to her and all, but
been having this issue. The other night
she said she was 'uncomfortable'. What
makes her uncomfortable? I was looking
for the word'disapointment' instead. Is
uncomfortable a nice way of saying
dissapointed? How does this issue affect
the girls emmotionaly?
You input can help me understand a thing
or two.
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-24-05 14:39pm
In what context did she use the word?
No. Personally I can't think of a way
she could have meant that. For me it's
more likely to mean uncertainty...
Confusion... Perhaps insecurity.
Disappointment... I really dont think so.
How did she say it?
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-24-05 14:43pm
Oh and on the topic of oral.... Do you
think so? It's nothing to do with what
he's doing, I just much much prefer oral
to ... Umm... 'manual'. Plus, it's
hard to go wrong with oral really.... I
thought it might make him feel more
comfortable with himself - knowing he has
the ability to pleasure me.
Is that what you mean when you say it
might seem like he's no good at pleasuring
me? Like... What he's doing already.Isnt
enough? Oral just seems a natural
progression to me :s
|
Noooo
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Canada
Posted: 12-24-05 18:20pm
Well, she kinda said she feels
uncomfortable about the whole thing.
I dont know she didnt explain. It's cool
though, im still seeing her.
The whole oral thing depends on him. Here
is the rule: all guys like getting oral
ofcourse....But when it comes to giving
it's 50/50. Some guys like to give it,
others hate it. You have to see if he
likes it or not. Chances are he hasnt
done it before so you would have to
introduce him to that aswell. There is no
standard with this stuff, everyone is
different. Maybe try to find out what
turns him on and that could be a good
start.
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Posted: 12-25-05 08:33am
Yeah... If she feels anything like me,
uncomfortable isn't meant the way you
thought. Guess she just doesnt know how
to deal with the situation. But the fact
she's still with you is good... Not all
us women are health forum :) she's
prepared to work through it, and isn't
judging you. It's the only way it should
be. Take it at your own pace.
Yeah that's what I thought. I dont
personally know any guys who dont like
giving oral, but like you say, im pretty
sure he hasnt done it before. He's not
gonna know till he tries. I'd like him to
give it a try at least. It's probably
something that takes a bit of getting used
to before you can begin to enjoy it.
There's no more subtle way of asking
though, other than saying "will you go
down on me?". Lol. Unless I say to him I
had a brilliant dream where he went down
on me.... That's as subtle as it's gonna
get I think!
|
Pedro
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Dec 2005 Posts: 35 Location: california
Posted: 12-25-05 16:20pm
fiona05
wrote:
yeah that's what I thought. I dont
personally know any guys who dont like
giving oral, but like you say, im pretty
sure he hasnt done it before. He's not
gonna know till he tries. I'd like him
to give it a try at least. It's
probably something that takes a bit of
getting used to before you can begin to
enjoy it.
dude what, the guy ''giving'' oral. Since
when are we talking about gay men in this
thread?
|
fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
