i'm really new to these forums but am
desperatley in need of some advice.
I'll start at the beginning.. I have a
boyfriend who I have been with 3 years and
am due to marry next year there is a ten
year age gap between us me being 28 and
him 38. The problem is we have never
had sex. It's not that we are waiting
for marriage or anything like that but my
boyfriend has an impotence or ed problem
and refuses to do anything about it, he
just ignores it. The problem is I cant
ignore it any longer.
I have tried everything in my power, I
havnt pushed the issue, I dont try to have
sex with him as I now feel rejected every
time he laughs at me as if im making a
joke, i've tried wearing sexy underwear,
i've tried massage, I tell him daily that
he's the only guy I could ever want sex
with and tried so hard to boost his ego
and to make sure he knows how perfect he
is to me but nothing works and thats only
a fraction of what i've tried. I really
am trying my best here, i've even tried to
change my own personal apprerance to make
myself look better to him to see if it's a
certain type of woman that turns him on.
He just isnt interested in any women, not
even celebrity women...He fancies no one
and I just cant cope anymore. He has no
fantasies and no interest in sex
whatsoever.
He's all over me in the pub but in private
he keeps as far away as possible and I
feel selfish for asking but what am I
doing wrong. My self confidence is now
at an all time low and I just cant cope
with no intamicy and all the
rejection...We may as well be sleeping in
seperate rooms. I cant touch him, I
never see him naked and we sleep opposite
sides of the bed with our backs to each
other most the time. He wont go see a
doctor about it because he doesnt like
doctors and wont try any medication like
viagra as he wont even take a paracentamol
for a headache.
I've offered him all the support in the
world as I know other girls have left him
because of this problem inluding his last
fiancee who slept with his best friend
because of it, I dont want to be that type
of woman for him but I used to feel sexy
and desirable, now I just feel useless and
rejected and have no self confidence at
all.
I appologise if I sound selfish and for
how long this is but I really dont know
what to do, i'm due to marry this guy next
year and although I love him so much I
dont know if I can live a life without
intimacy of any kind and the thought I may
not have children one day terrifies me.
Please any advice on ways I can help him
will be appreciated. I've read up on
his problem and have tried to teach myself
as much as I can and have now decided to
ask for other's help. Ive tried to show
him information but he wont look at it.
He's had this for going on 8 years now by
all accounts, it may even be longer he
says he can't remeber, thats when I do
actually get him to talk to me about
it.Please any advice on ways I can help
him will be appreciated. I've read up on
his problem and have tried to teach myself
as much as I can and have now decided to
ask for other's help. Ive tried to show
him information but he wont look at it.
He's had this for going on 8 years now by
all accounts, it may even be longer he
says he can't remeber, thats when I do
actually get him to talk to me about it.
He says he hates it but I dont understand
if it's been going on so long and he's
lost relationships and he hates it that
much why hasnt he done something about it
sooner? It's not been months it's been
years he has had this problem. It's so
hard having to ignore yoour urges and
supress your own feelings and emotions
when you look at the man your with and get
aroused and want him so much. Could this
be doing me any harm as well?
I could really use a males perspective on
this so I have more of an idea of what
he's going through as web pages and books
dont give you as good an idea of his
emotions as real people with real
feelings.
Thanks for listening.
|
teach486
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Aug 2005 Posts: 276 Location: US
Posted: 12-31-05 09:41am
You are headed in the right direction. If
you are feeling this way now, these
feelings will only intensify as time
passes with you becoming angry and
resentful.
There could be a number of causes for his
.E.D. If he was able to perform before,
then he needs to think back to when
exactly this problem started. What
happened? Was it that he loved a woman
who hurt him? If that is the case it
could be psychological due to emotional
trauma. Did he have some sort of trauma,
like a physical blow, to his genitals?
Maybe something is damaged there,
restricting blood flow. Even if it may
seem ridiculous, could it be that he is
gay, ashamed of it, and using women as a
cover-up? If he uses the computer a lot
check it for any porn history. If you
find gay men porn chances are he is turned
on by it.
The sad thing is you cannot force him to
talk about it. He won't unless he is
willing and ready to face the problem.
The only thing you can do is let him know
how you feel about the issue by being
totally honest with him. If he truly
loves you he will be willing to face his
problem with your help so that you can
have a normal relationship.
|
mrjsmith
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Dec 2005 Posts: 25 Location: New York
Posted: 01-01-06 15:23pm
I commend your resilience. That's a
tough situation. I was on his end a few
years ago. Somewhat, anyway. I had the
old "performance anxiety", although I had
(have) a very strong interest in women and
sex. I couldn't have sex with the girl I
was dating because of it, and she dumped
me (after a while. She tried). At the
time I was hurt, but frankly, now I can't
imagine it having gone any other way.
After a while I got back out there, had
the same problem with a different girl,
but did some reading and some talking, and
it worked out.
However, if I had ignored the problem and
refused to talk about it, it would not
have gone away.
I think its great that you are sticking by
him and trying to help him out, but I
strongly suggest you make some decisions
for yourself. You absolutely should not
get married until you figure things out.
I'm not saying you should leave him, but
don't get married. Not yet.
There are some possible conclusions to
this:
1) you and he figure out something.
Maybe you go see a therapist and figure
out tina turner in tommy scared the crap
out of him, but you work through it.
Maybe there's something physical that gets
worked out. Essentially, the problem
gets solved and he's interested.
2) turns out there is no "problem". This
is just his level of sexual interest.
'none' is a level.
I would say that if #2 is the case, for
your own sake you should not stay with him
in the long run. I know this is not
something you want to hear, but 2 people
who spend a lot of time together and don't
have sex are friends (or grandparents.
At least I like to think they don't have
sex, until I am a grandparent, of
course).
So, to echo other comments, I think you
should seriously explore possible issues
with the hope that its #1. This is where
the tough love comes in. If he refuses,
you have a problem. Although this is a
sensitive subject, his unwillingness to
explore the issue is selfish. Its a
tough subject, but its an important
subject. Right? If you decide that you
can't deal with #2 in the long run, then
at some point you have to be clear with
him that this problem needs to be
explored.
I recently started seeing a girl, and this
past week was the first time we were going
to have sex. I could not get an
erection. This was initially due to the
fact that I was hung over, exhausted, and
had had a couple drinks on the date too.
Holiday season and all. She freaked.
She kept going on about how she felt
repulsive and that I didn't like her.
This was, of course, far from the case.
I probably would've been fine after
fooling around for a while, but it was
doomed when she said "is something
wrong?", and then freaked.
However, as I said to her over and over
(until she left), was that it had nothing
to do with her. I wanted to have sex
with her. Just couldn't at the time.
She heard me, but didn't believe me, and
left. She came back friday. I wasn't
hung over or tired, and things went fine,
but I was still shocked at how freaked out
she was.
So, in short, i'm willing to bet its not
you. At all. He either has an issue of
some type, has very little sex drive, or
is not attracted to women. I think those
are the only possibilities. People do
have very different sex drives, and having
been in relationships where they are
vastly different, I can say first hand
that its a huge issue. I'm enough of a
jerk to end a relationship if things are
really off sexually. I don't often
suggest to people that being a jerk is a
good idea, but this is one of the topics
on which I do.
I had a friend who's girlfriend never
wanted to have sex. Ever. He was
talking about it and said he figured that
when he was in his 30's and 40's his drive
would taper off and things would be ok.
I pointed out to him that his plan was
crazy. I find its easier to convince
guys of this concept.
This is also why I think people who wait
for marriage are crazy. I dated a girl
several years ago who wanted sex once or
twice a month, and only after drinking.
She didn't want to talk about it, and once
told me I needed to learn to control
myself. We broke up shortly after.
However, we just wound up hanging out. I
met the guys she dated after me. We even
set each other up with people. We were
good friends, but the physical side didn't
work. Right after her I dated a girl who
was exactly the opposite. I learned that
you really need to be with somebody that's
a good match, and that means more than
just liking the same movies. You know?
I'm rambling (again, hung over). In
short, if you want to try and stay with
him, he needs to agree to try to sort this
out. You don't need to change yourself.
If he is unable or unwilling to solve the
issue, you have a tough choice to make.
