I'm 17 years old and I already feel like
my life is over. I feel like a giant
failure who has never succeeded at
anything in my life and most likely never
will. I have no friends and, though I
live under the same roof as them, I am
pretty much totally disconnected from my
family. I unofficially dropped out of
school when I was 15 and everyday I curse
myself for being so stupid as to ruin my
chance at any future by dropping out.
Even so, I can never go back to school
because I just don't have it in me to face
my peers who never accepted me anyway. I
can't get a job or anything, because a
minor can't get a work permit unless he or
she is attending school. Everyday I can't
help but contemplate the irony that I was
the smartest person in my class, yet I am
the one who will most likely be doomed to
a life of minimum wage mediocrity.
Anyway, since dropping out of school, I
have also basically dropped out of society
as well. Since school I haven't had a
single interaction with another human
being outside of my family. Why am I
writing here? Well its just that I hate
myself more than anything else in the
world. I have tread the waters of major
depression since as long as I can remember
(i can remember as far as age 4 or 5),
which is odd because I know that
depression usually manifests itself in
adolescent years. Every night I lay awake
in bed fantasizing about taking my life.
It seems to me like the only way to escape
my inevitably pitiful existence. Also it
seems that everything feeds my pathology.
When I see happiness it just makes me more
depressed to think that I don't even know
what happiness is. When I see sadness it
makes me even more depressed to think that
I will feel sadness for the rest of my
life. Anyway, I am not looking for
attention or pity, I am not looking for
feedback (be it positive or negative), I
am not even looking for advice. I am just
tired of being who I am. If you do have
any advice, chances are I won't take it.
I am very intelligent and I know all the
things I should do. I've even given
advice to others in my situation that have
really helped them, its just that I never
help myself. So I don't know why I am
even writing here and if you actually took
the time to read this I am deeply sorry
for wasting your time. But the fact that
you even took the time to read this shows
you are a caring person and I thank you.
So, bye.
|
catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 01-06-06 13:23pm
Can I join? I don't know what it is with
us smart people who just can't do anything
for ourselves. I'm not like you in that
I do have all the way up to a master's
degree, but so what. The memories of
some of those times is great, but when I
really think about it, they were very
depressing times also because I never felt
like anyone cared a hoot for me, not even
my family. One year in my whole long,
old life I can remember having all these
supposed good friends and I was just about
the happiest person in the world, but they
all left for their lives and i'm all
alone. And now where are they? All
over the world but not anywhere near
here.
Sure, I did/do some things with my life,
but most don't really matter. And now I
get so depressed so easily and I don't
want to be around anyone and don't want to
leave my house because I think I feel best
here but yet, I don't, but I can't do
anything about it. I like my job, but
yet I hate going to my job. It all just
makes me want to scream.
I know what the answer is, and you might
also, but I don't want and can't do it.
I need to stop focusing so much on me and
get involved in helping others. Right,
that sounds good. But how do you keep
doing that over and over and
over........And not get exhausted. How
do you do it when I just don't want to
anymore? It didn't seem to help me. It
just doesn't seem to matter.
Then I know I need to be going to church
every sunday. I am a christian, I
believe in god and jesus christ, but yet I
still don't take the necessary steps. I
pray sometimes for help and don't get it
so god must be saying no, so what do I do
then? I stopped going to church several
years ago because I felt sorry for myself
and no one talked to me even though I
thought I was keeping myself open. Well,
i'm still here feeling sorry for myself.
I take anti-depressants. Lots of help
there (not). I've tried therapy. It
felt good to talk but as soon as I stop,
back to same ol', same ol'.
I personally believe we are born with the
predilection to be depressed (they say
it's chemical and aren't we born with our
chemicals?).
Sometimes I feel like it is just not worth
it. I think about dying but as soon as
that comes out, I get scared and think no,
I want to live. I just want a life.
Suicide is definitely not the way for me.
I'm just a little too curious to see what
might happen tomorrow. I keep thinking
my brain is going to wake up and do what
it's supposed to. But when?
We have to figure that out, somehow.
Life is precious, but how do we make it
precious for us? My brain is just so
tired sometimes.
Life is worth it, we just have to figure
out how we can act like it's worth it and
maybe eventually we will feel like it is
worth it. We can have hope, can't we?
With hope,
carol
|
alexis233
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Jan 2006 Posts: 14
Re: Forever Depressed Posted: 02-01-06 01:04am
I know exactly how you feel. There's
always hope & a way out!!!!!! &
I know you will find it. I always felt
so left out because I have no social
skills & it seemed like everyone else
had lots of friends. High school was
hell for me, I didn't really know anyone
& had only a small # of friends, but
in my junior year none of us were friends
anymore & I had none. High school
was sooooooooooooooo lonely & painful
for me.
I'm in my 2nd semester of college now but
I have only 1 friend & still have no
social skills (it's so painful bcause by
the 1st semester everyone is making
friends, building friendships & i'm
always alone).
I've had deep, tormenting depression most
of my life and I have had schizophrenia
for 20 yrs. Trust me, your situation is
sooooo much better than mine so be
encouraged w/ that.
A suggestion to you is that demons may be
attacking you (when you feel the urge to
take your life, that's the enemy trying to
destroy you & sometimes the ones he
attacks the most has a special purpose in
life to carry out & he doesn't want
you to do it).
Getting excorcisms is the 1 & only
thing that has turned my situation around.
The way ur feeling, wanting to end your
life & being so depressed means that
the enemy (or something) wants to destroy
you bcause you have a special purpose in
life to carry out. I don't know what ur
relationship w/ god is but he is the only
one who can heal you. Pray, seek him
& look for natural ways to heal (look
up "all natural treatment for severe
depression" on the internet). Find out
all the supplements that the brain must
have to function & try to take them
regularly (essential fatty acids, etc).
Aromatherapy might help also, (at least
till you can be healed completely).
There are certain essential oils that help
heal depression (e-mail me if u need more
info on this or anything else i've talked
about :alexis767@aol.Com)
do not end it bcause I love u so much,
just bcause your a beautiful human; &
I know exactly how you feel. You will
make friends a enjoy a productive,
meaningful life. Please respond to give
an update, if u need to talk or want more
info; i'm a very caring & loving
person.
You will experience a life of joy &
satisfaction
someone cares 4 you. :) :) :)
|
Cryptic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 10
Re: Forever Depressed Posted: 02-02-06 16:06pm
I have been depressed since I was in grade
school as well. I don't know the cause
when I was a kid, it was probably the fact
that I had literally 0 friends....No caca.
My worst time was freshman to present
time. My sister was diagnosed with brain
tumors on her brain stem, which are
inoperable). She lived for two years
because she had hope that he would get
better. She was very smart and strong
willed. If she wasn't that way, she
probably would of only lived for a couple
months. She never let it take advantage
of her. She died right at the beginning
of my jr. Year (i'm currently a jr.) and
I did very poorly in school (2.0 gpa for
the first 6 weeks, which was pretty much
my gpa freshman and sophmore year) now all
my gpa's are above 3.667 because i've
decided to take some responsibility in my
life. I'm still not happy with myself, I
probably never will be. Also, I started
dating a girl in 8th grade all the way til
soon after my sister's death, she moved
away and we broke up, we stayed friends,
which was extremely hard but I eventually
got over it, but now we are back together
and i'm not exactly happy about it in some
ways, but others I am. I have the same
feelings for her, I always have, but she
lives so far away and I only see her a
couple times a month. Those two things
combined devastated me. Then just
yesterday, I found out I have a
half-sister whom is 31 years old. I don't
know her name, where she lives, what she
looks or sounds like, etc. I know nothing
of her except her birthday and where the
agency/hospital was. But i'm still truly
unhappy, I have never experienced true
happiness. It's never too late to go back
to school, who cares about the peers,
after high school, you will never ever see
them again. Don't be afraid to try and
become successful. There are plenty of
stories about being what they thought was
complete failure to complete success.
Seek advice from those kind of stories.
If you are smart, you can be very
successful. I want to go into the medical
field because of my sister. I want to
help people, I want to be successful and
help my family get out of debt. So I
decided to get more serious about school.
Go back to school, screw peer opinions,
you could be more successful than those
losers who pick on others to feel better.
I'm sorry that I lack wisdom to give good
advice...If you have any for me, it would
be appreciated.
|
catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 02-02-06 19:30pm
Dear cryptic,
i am so sorry to read about your sister.
She sounds like a great person and in just
your few words, I could read the love
there. You were and are truly blessed to
know of such love even for too short a
time.
You are much wiser than you give yourself
credit for. I admire your take-charge
attitude. If we don't take
responsibility and act for ourselves, who
is going to? I guess we could just hide
ourselves in our rooms and never come out,
but that's not a life. And even though I
have fought loneliness and depression my
whole life, I still love life and will
continue to do everything I can to
experience the joy of living. Joy and
happiness are not the same thing. To me,
joy is deeper and lasts longer.
Happiness is only fleeting. Sadly,
"who_am_i" hasn't learned that (yet?).
Cryptic, you are absolutely correct when
it comes to peers. I'm amazed that you
realize that already in your young life.
I wish I had understood earlier in my life
that peers aren't and won't be living my
life. I am and will. Respect all
people, hopefully even love them, but
don't let what you ***think*** a peer
might think or do control your life. Do
what you must to live and fully experience
your life. I hope you don't mind that
this came from an older lady who
experienced all this many years ago (but I
still do remember the feelings).
And alexis, you are on the right path.
Keep up the good work.
God bless...
Carol
p.S. Cryptic - don't worry too much about
the new half-sister. Who knows what
might come of this, but I think you will
know what to do when or if anything does.
|
Cryptic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 10
Posted: 02-02-06 23:32pm
I have so much more I can tell u about me
and wuts wrong that it's rediculous, I
feel like my family is so frickin messed
up. I'm pretty much always pissed off,
sad, or in some kind of bad mood. The
only thing that takes me away from reality
is video games. That is how I cope with
my problems temporarily until I find a
resolution...I would type more, but I need
to go study for advanced biology. I'm
learning all the bones in the skull and
all the vertebrae. But any advice on what
to do rather than play video games, it's
always greatly appreciated. There is
always an open-mind over here. Feel free
to ask advice from me if you need, I will
try to help.
-matt-
|
Cryptic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 10
Blah Posted: 02-02-06 23:32pm
I have so much more I can tell u about me
and wuts wrong that it's rediculous, I
feel like my family is so frickin messed
up. I'm pretty much always pissed off,
sad, or in some kind of bad mood. The
only thing that takes me away from reality
is video games. That is how I cope with
my problems temporarily until I find a
resolution...I would type more, but I need
to go study for advanced biology. I'm
learning all the bones in the skull and
all the vertebrae. But any advice on what
to do rather than play video games, it's
always greatly appreciated. There is
always an open-mind over here. Feel free
to ask advice from me if you need, I will
try to help.
-matt-
|
Cryptic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 10
Blah Posted: 02-02-06 23:32pm
I have so much more I can tell u about me
and wuts wrong that it's rediculous, I
feel like my family is so frickin messed
up. I'm pretty much always pissed off,
sad, or in some kind of bad mood. The
only thing that takes me away from reality
is video games. That is how I cope with
my problems temporarily until I find a
resolution...I would type more, but I need
to go study for advanced biology. I'm
learning all the bones in the skull and
all the vertebrae. But any advice on what
to do rather than play video games, it's
always greatly appreciated. There is
always an open-mind over here. Feel free
to ask advice from me if you need, I will
try to help.
-matt-
|
Cryptic
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 10
Posted: 02-02-06 23:33pm
Sorry about making 3 of the same posts
|
catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 02-03-06 09:29am
Matt,
let me tell you a little secret that's not
really a secret - almost all families are
unbelievably messed up. I thought I grew
up in a normal family - dad worked, mom
stayed at home, 1 older sister and 2
younger brothers, 1 grandmother and 1
grandfather, every sunday family get
togethers, we all went to college and have
good jobs.
So, what's the problem you are asking?
1. Older sister seems to have a great
life but is cold and greedy.
2. Me - i'm lonely, depressed, fat, tmj
pain all the time, broke.
3. Brother 1 - wanted to be married and
have kids so bad so married a nut when he
got desperate in his 30's, divorced,
re-married, 1st born son 13 years old now
in mental hospital for sexually abusing
several relatives girls and boys, 1st born
daughter we didn't even know existed until
she was 13 years old and is now a dirty,
poor, mother allowed to shack up with a 28
year old when she was 15 and how she has a
daughter that they have physically abused,
court took away and later returned and
just had a new born baby boy, not married,
boyfriend is a drug seller
4. Brother 2 - much younger, divorced, 2
daughters 1 a little crazy and he's a very
angry man trying to better his life but
definitely a little strange.
So that's in an outline and we were a
normal typical family. That's why I
mentioned that we are responsible for our
lives. Our parents, genes, peers, etc.,
all do greatly contribute but ultimately,
only we have and are our souls
(spiritually that's a whole other huge
story).
Video games. I never got into them even
though I do like some computer games. I
was a reader. Books and books.
Also, since you are studying the bones of
the head, could you find a cure for tmj
(temporomandibular joint dysfunction)
while you're at it?
Take care. I read and responded to pm.
Carol
|
Jean Fraser
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Feb 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Scotland
Forever Depressesed Posted: 02-06-06 05:39am
You just described me at 17 and the
unhappiness you describe continued untill
I reached the age of 46. By this time I
had been on medication from doctors, my
whole life. I been to phycitrists I was
drinking every night and suicide wasnt
even an option. (thank god)
my mum killed herself after 100s of
attempts in the most horrendous way
bleeding from every orifice. The bottom
line is there is no majic cure,no doctor
no drug, no pill in fact, no human power.
You are doing the right thing by talking
to others who suffer from the same
illness. Find people who have recovered
from depression, as they have been where
you are now. My life has changed beyond
all recognition, I wake up glad to be
alive today and enjoy each day as it
comes. I will be thinking of you and
please seek out positive people who have
recovered from depression. Dont wait as
life really is too short and at the end of
it all whats waiting for us all? A big
wooden box!! Take care jean
|
spacecadet85
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Feb 2006 Posts: 1 Location: New York
How Did I Get Stuck With This Mind? Posted: 02-19-06 03:47am
Ok, I am 20 years old, a junior in college
with my whole life ahead of me, and I have
been in some kind of state of depression
since the age of 12. I feel like
there's no way out, there's no light at
the end of this dark tunnel that I am
in, and I feel like nobody understands.
Why is it that I get stuck in the 1 or 2 %
of the population that suffers from
chronic depression?? Why is it that just
like who_am_i , the sight of happiness
and success and laughter and bright
intelligent youth who are witty and joyful
just gets me down? I try to change my
thinking, at least I think i'm trying, but
obviously no matter how much I try, i'm
still stuck in the same mental rut.
Paranoia is my best friend when i'm around
people, and I take everything that people
say about me negatively and as a result
become increasingly anti social and
withdrawn, my self confidence is in the
negative numbers, I think that i'm a good
person at heart, good but absolutely
mentally insane, and consequently do not
even try to have relationships or show
interest in girls because I know that once
they truly got to know how f@(&#ed up
I am, they would drop me like a bad habit.
I am my own worst enemy: people tell me
that I have to take control of my life and
then clench their fingers at me as if to
inspire some notion of phsyically grasping
your thoughts and fixing them with your
bare hands. I wish it was that easy.
Sure I have some happy moments, they are
rare and sporadic, and sometimes when I
think I have a handle on my depression, it
slips away the next second. I wish life
could stand still, I long for sleep...
Sleep is my favorite activity. I would
rather sleep than interact with people,
because socializing ends up in bad
feelings, frustration that I can't be
normal and fucntion mentally, and a
chilling self-realization. If I am idle
all the time at age 20, have little or no
emotion, freak out at small changes in my
life, wan't time to stop moving forward,
and hate every inch of my body, mind, and
soul, then where am I going to end up 10
years from now? What created me this way
and how is it that a person gets to
feeling the way I am feeling? I don't
think there's any way out, and I don't
think I was built to survive the human
world...I should be some kind of plant or
sea creature.. And something in nature
f$&@ed up. A life of sheer misery,
gloom, depression, and mental isolation is
no way to live, which is why I have
suicidal ideation from time to time...I go
to sleep hoping that I don't wake up,
hoping that the next day won't come for me
to face and struggle through. I used to
cry sometimes out of self-pity and shame
that I can't be happy with all the things
I have, a supportive mother and
grandparents, a college education, a
relatively healthy body (although I have
serious body image problems, I stare at
myself in the mirror for hours each day..
Trying to contort my face in different
ways to make it look better).. But I
realize that's just a waste of time. My
accomplishments measure up to nothing
compared to others... I am a joke, and
people treat me accordingly. These are
the thoughts that fill my empty head..
And prevent memories from forming (my
memory is horrible and I can't even speak
because I don't talk enough.. Plus I hate
my mouth and my smile and my f(*)* ugly
face I hate being the center of
attention.. I am completely worthless).
Day after day drags on and I am oblivious
to recent news, new music, worldly events,
family birthdays, homework assignments.
Hence my name spacecadet... That is what
I am most of the time. I sleepwalk when
a I am awake, and smile when I sleep. I
wake up only to hit my alarm and fall back
asleep, hoping that the next 10 minutes
will drag on for eternity allowing me to
dwell in my surreal dream-state of
existence indefinitely. Oh that would be
so cool.....But for know I remain hidden
behind my veil...Gloomily awaiting the
future, hoping it ends soon. Any
thoughts?
|
catswold
Supporter
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 404 Location: Flint, Michigan
Posted: 02-19-06 10:07am
Depression is a chemical imbalance. Go
to the doctor and get an anti-depressant
and/or anti-anxiety. Even if you hate
taking pills like I do, at least try it
and see what happens. Also, counseling
might help with your self-image issues.
We all look different and thank god that
we do. Otherwise, this would be one
boring world. Concentrate on the inside
and who knows what will happen on the
outside.
I hope and pray that you will take some
action and get the help you need. We all
need help at one time or the other and the
faster we look for it, the faster we find
it.
God bless...
Carol
|
w0rldd0minat0r
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Feb 2006 Posts: 238
Depressed 2 Posted: 02-26-06 15:16pm
Im 16 now and feel like a failure I used
to be depressed 1 and a half years ago and
I was rushed back into life without
recovering from it if ur still there could
we chat and talk to each other often and
try and help each other I will check this
post soon... I am on the brink of
becoming heavily depressed again and all
the signs are there. I hope u are still
there and u havent made the choice to end
it all yet. You cannot believe how close
ur story fits into mine and I have felt
like this for ages. Would like to talk to
someone if u are willing plz reply to my
message
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Who Am I Posted: 02-26-06 17:32pm
You have been given some pretty good
advice here and the rest is upto you.
My opinion is is that if you feel that if
you are smart enough you should think
about taking the or be eligible for you
.G.E.D. You might try some
anti-depressent medication either by
prescription or herbal/ natural meds. It
is not too late for you but you do need to
take that word "hate" out of your
vocabulary as all it does is to eat you up
inside. There is also continuation
school for those who do drop out and who
are not ready for their ged. You are not
a failure! You might find a counselor
there to talk to that can help you and
your parents will probably help if you ask
them!
Good luck!
Be positive!
We want to hear from you!
|
w0rldd0minat0r
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Feb 2006 Posts: 238
Posted: 03-02-06 20:24pm
Maybe cbt or cognitive behavioural therapy
may help
it helped me to have a more positive
outlook on life talk to your gp about
being referred
