I stumbled upon this forum, trying to find
answers to my problem. Here is my issue
in a nut shell, granted my wife may give
you a different side, but that is the
beauty of a story, there is always 2
sides. My wife and I have been married
for almost 6 years and we have a 2 year
old daughter. Anyways, I am recently
discharged from the military after 6 years
of service. I saw many relationships
fall apart in that time, but my wife and I
passed with flying colors, we communicated
and expressed ourselves, without any
problems, and there was never any lack of
trust. So when my time was up we were
both very excited to have me home for
good. We had bought our first home back
close to our families. Well I thought
things were going well, then a 10 days
ago, she tells me something is missing,
that there has to be more out there, she
says she doesn't love, or doesn't love me
the way she should. It was all very
shocking and heartbreaking. In this time
frame, she has gone out exceptionally late
with friends from work drinking. Which
is not like her at all. One of the
nights she got back at 5 am. She insists
that there is nothing going on. And I
believe her. She just says that she has
been responsible her entire life and now
she wants to have a little fun. We did
get married young, she was 19 and I was
21, but we got to see alot in our time in
the military. I don't mind her enjoying
life, I just wish she would involve me or
at least tell me what is going on. We
used to talk about everything, she was my
best friend, now..There is a gap. She is
almost distached from the whole situation.
I want to fight for this marriage, I
want to go to counseling, do what it
takes. But she does not really seem into
it, she said she would go for me or our
daughter. I guess as long as she
goes...Right? I start a new job in a
week, that will involve some initial
travel out of state for training, over the
next 6 weeks. We both agreed the space
will be good. Well she agreed. I have
never dealt with this, no one in my entire
family has ever been divorced. I never
thought I would deal with this. She is
everything to me as is my daughter. Any
advice on how to go about this situation
would be great?
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batchman10
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 1 Location: tampa, fl
It Sure Does Suck Posted: 01-08-06 11:29am
Wow, your story sounds just like mine.
The gowing out till all hours, drinking,
and she says she does'nt love me the way a
wife should. She is also lying alot, all
of these things are totally out of
character, she is a good person. We have
only been married just over 5 months, we
have lived together foe the last 4 1/2
years. As to how to handle it, I have no
idea. Its extremly difficult to deal
with, especially if you have kids, house,
cars, plans, etc. All I can say is to
take one day at a time and know that one
day you will feel better. As far as our
wifes, I quess theres nothing we can do
except see what happens. My wife has
already told me she wants a divorce 6 days
ago and has sort of moved out. My problem
is I am hoping she is confused and just
emotionally messed up and will want to
save our marriage. We have an appoitment
with a councilor in four days. She said
she would go for me, but doesn't seem very
interested. I know she has sort of found
someone else, she says nothing is going on
and he is just a friend, someone to talk
to and listen, she admits she has some
sort of feelings for this guy. This
almost makes me physically sick to think
about. Hopefully we will get through
this, as hard ( for lack of a better word)
this thing is.
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ironmantaylors
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 38 Location: montana
Posted: 01-11-06 21:27pm
Make an appt. At a
counslor...............Tell her you would
like her to be there, but it is for
you..........But both of you might be able
to benefit. Next I suggest it is a
female so that perhaps she does not feel
"gained up on" if the counselor tells her
her late nights are inappropriate.
Hope/pray that the issue will be drawn out
and resolved.
My advice..........For what it is worth.
It will take more than one session, but
working on a marriage is easier than
divorcing............Trust me on that.
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Porcupinephil
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2006 Posts: 8
This Sucks Posted: 01-11-06 22:00pm
Go to the counselor, but the marriage is
dead. It can only work if both parties
want it to and she clearly does not.
Still, the counselor can help
you deal with the guilt and pain. My
guess is this has been going on for
some time. Expect to hear stuff like, "i
have to find myself" and "i love you, I am
just not 'in love' with you". My first
wife and I had an open marriage. I just
didn't know it at the time. She ran off
with my best friend, I just never met
him.
Keep the faith. Get out, get yourself
healed emotionally, don't even consider
getting married for at least a year. Then
find a good women and make yourself a good
life. There are some really fine
slightly used women, some are a little
bruised, but their hearts are in working
order. My current wife's first husband
was such a jerk, I can look like a hero
but just getting up and going to work in
the mornings. After finding my wife, I
realize my first wife leaving was the best
thing that ever happened to me.
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czarg
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 68 Location: Lagos-Nigeria
Sorry Man. Posted: 01-13-06 19:50pm
This is sad indeed. I feel for you. Like
others have opined, it is good 2 get
counsel. Let yr wife know too.
Perhaps she needs to recall d good times,
don't you think so?
Have you prayed about this? You could
also seek christian counsel. It is worth
it for d marriage, yr wife and yr
daughter; even for you.
All the best man.
Sam
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Tiphany
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 8 Location: wilton,nh
a Woman's Perspective Posted: 01-13-06 20:13pm
My situation is similar. Only I am the
wife that had those feelings that your
wife has now. I married my first husband
when I was 16 and off we went to be the
happy couple in the military. He was in
the infintry. While we were away we saw a
lot and learned a lot but we were not
home. When his duty was up we came back
to were we grew up and every thing
changed. When you are a military wife you
worry for your husbands safety all the
time. This makes you drawn to him.
Furthermore military bases have almost a
pleasantville kind of feel to them don't
they? I mean you are conditioned with all
the meetings and clubs and support groups.
Your own special grocery store. In the
military there are many young married
families. But at home your old friends
are partying, they have careers, are
independent, and suddenly as a young wife
she may be feeling resentful. As a
military wife I felt like an extension of
my husband. When I seperated from him I
felt alive and invigorated and every one
noticed the change. My advice to you is
to as a husband help her explore that side
of herself. Understand it and become a
part of it. I would worry about all the
going out she does. I don't know her but
if she feels any thing like I did she
feels reborn and she may feel sexy when
men notice this new side of her.
