is it mandatory that you date around before committing to one person?
yes
8%
[ 1 ]
no
91%
[ 11 ]
Total Votes : 12
Author
Message
mdpl326
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Jan 2006 Posts: 11
Too Committed Too Young? Posted: 01-08-06 04:46am
My boyfriend and I are very happy
together. We're 19, been together 3
years, and we know we want to be married
after we graduate from college. My
parents like him, but want me to date
other people. They think I need the
experience to truly know what I want.
They think i'm too young to be so
committed to one person, and that I need
to be single for a while, going on dates
with other guys.
My boyfriend and I know that we run the
risk of not developing our own identities
since we got together so young. That's
why I embrace things like him deciding to
transfer to another college 6 hours away,
so he can go to a better school for his
major and gain more independence, his
first apartment, his own identity... And
it's why he's happy for me that i'm
studying abroad in europe next semester,
completely on my own, to experience life
over there and develop my own identity...
We know we run the risk of growing apart
but the chance is worth taking...
Because we'd be so much better for each
other in the end having done these things.
It's hard to make my parents see that we
do understand the work you have to do to
balance forging your own identity amongst
keeping a relationship together. They
really think I should date other guys, and
it's starting to put doubts in my head
that weren't there before. A lot of my
older relatives also side with my parents,
that I need to see all the other fish in
the sea, that i'm too young to know what I
want! My take is, why ruin a good thing,
trying to find something I can't put a
name to, when I had the best guy for me
already? Are they right though? Taken
into consideration everything we are doing
to be independent people - is it still
mandatory to 'date around' before
committing to one person? Or can't you
just know someone's the one, without
having to browse all the other aisles in
the store?
Looking for advice from those who've been
there! Thanks in advance!
|
not perfect
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 135 Location: Illinois
Posted: 01-09-06 02:22am
I think it's perfectly fine to be so
committed to each other at your ages.
The only thing I would suggest, if it ever
happens is.. If either of you have the
thought of "what if" you would've been
with other people and wondering what it
would be like to be with other people out
of curiousity.. Then I say to take a
break for just a little bit before you
decide to get married. Maybe like 6
months or so. No one should go into a
marriage wondering what it would've been
like to be with even one other person.
Because you both are all you have ever
known.
Just make sure you two keep communicating
and are open with each other. Things
always work out in the end. Good luck!
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Jaleigh
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Oct 2005 Posts: 34
Posted: 01-09-06 11:13am
From reading your post I can see that you
have a pretty good head on your shoulders.
You talk as if you have a lot of sense
about the situation. You have considered
the pros and cons of the situation and I
think that is wonderful. However, I have
to side with your parents on this one. I
will explain why I came to this decision.
First of all even though you are very
smart you are still very young. You have
no way of knowing how you will feel years
down the road because your too young to
have experienced anything like this
before. When I was your age I was
totally "in love" with my then boyfriend.
I thought he was the world and I couldn't
live without him. My parents told me
time and time again that I was too young
to make those "adult" decisions. They
encouraged me to break it off w/ my guy
and date other people just to see what all
was out there. Of course, I wasn't
having that. I felt that I had who I
wanted and I didn't want anyone else.
Yada, yada, yada...... To sum up a very
long story I felt the same way you are
feeling, except I didn't have the good
head on my shoulders like you have. I
didn't think of all the pros and cons.
All I thought about it what I knew right
then and there. Needless to say my guy
and I broke up. I explored my options.
I dated other guys, etc., etc., etc. I
have sense found my real true love. We
just recently got married. I think to
myself all the time "what if I had not
listened to my parents?" "what if I had
stayed with this other guy?" my life
would be horrible. I wouldn't have
exprienced all the wonderful things that I
experienced in life. I got to be a
teenager. I got to do everything and
anything I wanted because I wasn't tied
down to that one person. I was able to
date other people and decide for myself
what type of man I wanted to marry one
day. I wouldn't have been able to do
that if I had stayed with the first guy I
had fell in love with, because I didn't
know any different. I was able to weed
out all the bad until I found the perfect
man. Now I couldn't be happier with my
life. If I had made one wrong decision
(by staying w/ the other guy) I wouldn't
have any of the things that I have now.
I wouldn't be the happy person that I am
now. I wouldn't be who I am today.
There's no way you can make a decision
like this if you have no options. Your
parents are only telling you these things
because they know what they are talking
about. They want you to live your life
to the fullest and experience everything
that life has to offer you. They don't
want to see you settle down and just
settle for what you got now. You deserve
way more than that. I think you know
that too. I think you know in your heart
the truth to all of this. If you want to
talk or ask my any questions, please feel
free to do so. I will be glad to help
you in any way that I possibly can. Good
luck to you!
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diamondsz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2005 Posts: 3173 Location: , Candyland-Canada
Thanks: 74
Thanked:104
Posted: 01-09-06 11:37am
Good for you!!!
Dont listen to other ppl just do what you
think is right, I met my hubby and we got
together on my 18th bday cause of our age
difference of 8 years in may it will be 3
years we have been married and 4 yrs/1
month we have been together. Im 22 now
and I love it being with the same person
although we have our days he is the only
man I could ever be with, I still go out
and party but he was the one who helped me
find my identity. I know what you mean
you need to know if their is a higher
calling to you somewhere else but if your
love is strong enough it will last.
After 6 months of dating he joined the
military so he could get his nursing and
was away alot and I barely saw him but we
talked on the phone every night to 3
nights a week and we made it work. I
found out after that he wanted a family
and the reason he joined was so that we
could be stable finicially and start a
family, I also got good news got a good
paying job and found out I was pregnant
and things started to fall into place
nicely. I wont lie somedays are really
really tough but I dont believe in divorce
and we are working things out and learning
something new everyday, I am only
mentioning this because a commited
relationship is basically a marriage
without papers. His family didnt want us
together for the same reason yours did but
we did it and were still alive and I get
along alot better with his family for
toughing it out. Prove everyone wrong,
its the best feeling in the world when you
know you could do something and you
grabbed the world by the balls.
If you ever need an ear send me a message
jess
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mdpl326
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Jan 2006 Posts: 11
Thank You Posted: 01-09-06 15:40pm
Thanks for everyone's replies.
Jaleigh, i've read some of your other
posts in the abusive relationships
section. Is the guy you're referring to
the one who abused you? In that case i'd
have to say absolutely I agree with you!
But the reason this is such a sticky
situation for me is because my boyfriend
sounds more like the guy you have now.
He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me,
and I love everything about him. We're
best friends... We have an amazing
connection. When we first started dating,
we didn't know each other that well at all
- but communication was so easy - it was
like we'd known each other our whole
lives. He's respectful, affectionate,
helpful, loving, and a genuinely 'nice
guy.' he wouldn't dream of hurting me or
any woman, physically or verbally, and
he's head over heels in love with me, as I
am with him. We have a common history and
background and relate to each other on so
many levels. Being with him just feels
right.
Before I began dating him (we started
dating each other three months before
turning 17 - our birthdays are three days
apart) I did date around a lot. None of
them could even come close to the kind of
relationship I had with my boyfriend now,
but I did get some dating experience. Of
course, this was high school, where the
pool of guys to choose from is (i'm
assuming) a little different from the pool
now. My boyfriend, on the other hand,
didn't really date anyone before me, even
though he had opportunities to (mutual
crushes, etc.) - he says because he had
the foresight to know that relationships
with any of those other girls wouldn't
have worked out or been worth the effort,
and he was waiting to date the right
person, which he found out was me.
Ironically, he doesn't seem to be the one
having doubts about whether we should have
dated around or not. We discussed it
almost a year ago, and he said that not
having the experience of dating other
girls doesn't really bother him. If he
ever did have regrets about that, I guess
he successfully squashed them, knowing
that sometimes there are certain
sacrifices you make to be with the one you
love. He has always been the more stable
one (it takes a long time to change his
mind about things, and he can be quite
stubborn about it, whereas I change my
mind all the time, and i'm much more
indecisive, and I never seem to know what
I want!). If I told my boyfriend I wanted
a break to date other people, he would not
be happy about it at all, even if,
hypothetically, it would be good for us.
Does any of this background information
shed any light on the situation? Does
everyone generally still feel the same?
The only reason i'm really having these
doubts right now is because of my parents.
They've made me wonder "what it would be
like." once you have this curiosity, must
you act on it? Or can you get rid of it
with love and faith in your partner, and a
whole lot of determination?
I love him so much, and i'm worried that
if we did date other people, it could
destroy the relationship we already had.
Particularly if he doesn't see the need
for it even after all is said and done,
and resents me for it. I love him so much
and if I decide to date others for the
sake of the experience of it, and it
ruined my relationship, I don't think I
could ever say it was "worth it." is
dating experience really absolutely
necessary in every case???
|
Tee21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 2 Location: NC
Posted: 01-09-06 16:06pm
I think it is great you've had a
relationship so long and I feel that the
space you both will have will be good for
gaining ur own independence and
personality. Definately don't listen to
others..As some would say misery likes
company..Not saying that directly about ur
family but you may not find anyone else
like who you have now and if u mess it up
by dating others then u may not get what u
had back either. If you are happy with
him then stay and continue to grow but..If
u have any thoughts that u may later look
down the line and wish u would have dated
other people I advise you go ahead and
date other people now because wishing you
had dated other ppl will soon turn into
lusting and from there it may turn to
cheating but follow ur heart as well as ur
mind =) cya
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~baby~g~
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio
Posted: 01-10-06 12:08pm
This is only my opnion, so hopefully it
doesn't offend anyone! First of all, why
would you break up with someone you love
& care about so muchto 'date other
guys'?!? If you love him then stay with
him! What if you date those other guys
and none of them turn out to be your true
love?? Um, and the other guy was? Then
your screwed, you won't have any guys!
I'm not trying to be mean, but you're 19,
that's not to young to be committed to one
person. Yeah, you should have your own
identity, everyone should..But why break
up with your bf for it?? Ppl find their
true love before 19, heck i'm 16 &
i've already found mine! I don't listen
to anyones remarks about me being to
young, because i've been with a lot of
different guys & I figured out what I
wanted in a future husband at a younger
age then some people. I don't believe in
waiting until your 30sum to get married
because you miss out on a lot of stuff
younger couple do. Why wait that long to
get married when you're with someone you
love now & can marry him when you get
out of college.? Do what you want to do
sweetie, love him stay with him or break
up with him. A lot of people are just
soo scared of committment these days that
they run & hide from their real true
love. In the end, don't listen to what
others tell you, make yourself happy!
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Jaleigh
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Oct 2005 Posts: 34
Posted: 01-15-06 14:54pm
Actually, I wasn't referring to the same
boyfriend that was abusive. I try not to
even consider him as part of my past. I
do understand what you're saying and I
think you understand what i'm saying.
I'm not saying that it won't work, because
of course I have no way of knowing that.
But, I can say that typically it does not
work out in the long run. The fact that
you are having any doubts at all says a
lot. Not that you don't love him with
all of your heart, because I think that
you do. However, if it was 100% then you
would not even be discussing this at all,
because you would just know. I've seen
so many of my friends in your same
situation and everyone of them regret the
decisions that they made. All say they
wish they had waited it out a little
longer. If it's meant to be then it will
be. You won't have to force it. But if
it's not meant to be then it could ruin
your whole life in a sense. All i'm
saying is don't rush into anything. Take
it slow and see what happens. There's no
reason why you need to rush into anything
perminent right now. I hope this helps.
Good luck to you!
