Dating Forum - the Girl I Love, Or the Life I Wish to Live

Daisy is one of my best, or perhaps my only real "friend" (everyone else is just a friendly acquaintance) someone I trust totally I have known her for about 5 1/2 years and she a girl that I have always found attractive and of course I loved her personality, we were extremely compatible we even joked about having the same semi=fetish but I never bothered to push it any further as she never showed any interest, and I was more than content with us just being good friends. Likewise I was totally focused on my future plans; which I thought meant I didn't have a future at all...

Well after high school she stayed home, and I moved away do to bigger and better things in the military; as a result I see her 2-3 times a year for a week or two at a time. She acquired a boyfriend who although is a total douchebag, she is still with.

Well one day I was leaving her house to go home after giving her a hug and turning away she grabbed ahold of me said "your not really going to leave me like that are you?" and she kissed me; the kind of kiss that friends just don’t give each other.

As much as I tried I could never get a proper explanation out of her as to what that was all about, but the damn seductress had planted her seed in my mind and I thought about her often over the next several months and grew to become especially fond of her.

The next time I came home we enjoyed ourselves like we always did, however we ended up going on a semiserious date, and one way or another making out.

During the next several months, our letters to each other and phone calls continued; and I grew more and more fond of her, I thought of her regularly and missed not being around her. Her letters made me smile and the sounds of her voice made me long to be near her. I have asked more than once what exactly did she want me to be to her? We were friends but it seems we were bound for something more than that. All that she could say is "i don't know." I do remember that once weather serious or joking she mentioned being "friends with benefits" I do remember this made me pretty furious as I was very very serious about our relation no matter if it was as lovers or just friends. However that period of strange uneasiness passed and our normal relation continued

when I was able to return home this december the first time I saw her I picked her up to go on a snowboarding trip. The first night I was with her we did alot of talking and again I kept probing her asking what kind of relation is between us, again no cut and dry answer; however we still expanded our relation to include oral sex, however when I was going to have sex with her... I couldn't do it, I got this terrible feeling that she didn't want this (although other signs would say she did), I thought there is no way we could be lovers, and that I would be ruining our fantastic friendship. I would die, or do anything without hesitation for any of my "friends" and am confidant that they would do the same for me, that is what sets them apart. This was something too valuable to lose over something as trivial as sex. We ended up having a great time together over the next week or so and really didnt get intimate again save a little bit of making out here and there.

However something strange happened... When I was leaving to go come, in the same exact spot that our story started, I wanted to kiss her goodbye, but she pulled back and was almost repulsed. I was to confused to say or do anything, so I just turned around and left. (she later said that she didn’t feel comfortable when people could be watching - seeing as she still had the same boyfriend which means she obviously still has very strong feelings for him, but what is more is that I was leaving from her driveway at about 3am; I can assure you that there was no one around to see anything which confuses me, and makes me think she was not being honest as to why she acted like she did.)

i don’t believe in love, but I suppose if I did I would be in it, her very presence makes me feel fantastic. The best and most memorable part of my last trip was on the way back from the mountains she feel asleep with her head on my lap for several hours, and I was able to just look at her and be with her or stroke her hair in silence. There was nothing better than the feeling that I got when I was with her; however she doesn’t seem like she wants to commit, at least not to me. I keep asking what she wants from me, will there ever be anything between us; but it is the same every time "i just don't know".

I don’t know if I am right for feeling like being a screw buddy is degrading but it seems that is all the commitment that she can muster, I think of her as a sister if we are friends, and would like nothing more than to love her if she would only let me.

However I am at wits end, and more to the point on the clock. Forget money, college, or patriotism; I joined the service to put some fools in the dirt - permanently. Because of some staffing issues, if I were going to request to be transferred to a deploying unit, now is the time. In the next 4 months or so I may be committed to staying where I am; which could result in not going at all, thus making my enlistment and years spent toiling fruitless and a waste of my valuable life. I really want to put it my request, but I do know that that would mean I wouldn't see her again for 2, maybe closer to 3 years, which would destroy any relation we may be building.

So,

1. Stay where I am, and try to find out where I am in her eyes, if we are destined to be friends, lovers or nothing at all. I may end up not doing what I have been planning for almost 8 years.

2. Do what I can to forget about her (although this hasn’t worked very well in the past) and go to sandbox to deal with some men that desperately need killing, and thus fulfilling the focus of my recent life.