Joined: 23 Jan 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Cincinnati OH
What Can I Do to Help? a Husband's Plea For Help Posted: 01-23-06 07:06am
My wife never has had a huge sex
drive..... Unless she wants to have
another baby.... I was able to deal with
it for a while, but now its getting harder
and her sex drive is horrible to say the
least.
Its jan 23 2006 and the last time we had
sex was may 17 2005. We're only 28yrs
old, so old age is not a factor. She
had twins boys in march 2004, and when we
did have sex in may that was the first
time since we "made" the boys.... So
doing the math we've had sex 2x in almost
3 yrs.
I am not an unattractive guy...So I do get
a fair share of temptations, but I really
love my wife... We've been to together
for 10.5 years. We met on our first
day of college.... 2hrs later after my
parents dropped me off at the campus....
I was a virgin before I met her... So I
feel so drawn to her. We have 3
wonderful kids.... 3 houses... We make
above average income. I run my company
from home, so I am here 80% of the time.
I do not want to cheat... Though she can
be crabby some times(ok a lot of times)...
She's my crabby wife and I love her.
Temptations are getting harder and harder
to turn down, because my natural desire is
to have sex.... She calls me a pervert
for looking at i-net adult sites... And
threatens me to stop or i'll be removed
from the house. What the heck am I
suppose to do?!
She denies this as a big problem... And
say's I should get over it... But as much
as I try... I can't do it. I don't want
to lose her... And have our kids split
up.... All I am asking is for just once
a month to make love to my wife!
Anyone with advice? I've search the
i-net for possible medical problems and
i've found something on hsd. (hypoactive
sexual desire). Only treatable by
certain doctors with impossible schedules.
7 month waiting list!
Someone please help us!
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TaraJay
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 14 Location: WA
Posted: 01-23-06 09:35am
I think you are in a position no man wants
to be stuck in. I think u have doe the
right thing by sticking by her, no male I
know would have stayed loyal. As a girl I
cnt rele say I understand where ur comin
from but I can guess it is hard. I think
u need to sit her down and explain to her
u dnt jus want sex but u want to feel
close to her again. Gettin the kids
babysat for a night and doin the whole hot
bath, rose petal thing might help and if
it doesnt I think u should put her name on
the waitin list. Its either she wants
somethig new or the kids are wearing her
out. My guess is the second one.Hope I
was of some help..........
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levar95
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jan 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Cincinnati OH
Thanks Tara Posted: 01-23-06 09:45am
I am not the super romantic type......
Haven't thought about... Scheduling a
surprise get-a-way. That could help...
However, during our honeymoon in
vegas.... We didn't even touch each other
the whole time.
One week... Of what everyone says is the
suppose to be the bes sexuality in your
relationship.......... Was completely
dry. The last few nights... I didn't
even sleep in the same with her, because I
was so upset....
Then she said I was one ruining the whole
trip.... So I put my feelin aside for the
sake of the whole thing.....
Therefore.... My hopes aren't high about
scheduling a way... Could end up being
more upset and wasting my money... But
i'll do it and post a message back to the
group.... I am sure there has to be other
guys out there in the same position as
myself.
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Levar Posted: 01-23-06 14:27pm
There are lots of women with your wifes
problem.A lot of times after a women
becomes preg and has the child she loses
her sex drive.It sounds like your wife is
pretty stubborn into thinking there is
nothing wrong.They have viagra for
women,you should check it out and maybe
run it by her and see what happens.There
also ,like tara said,just might need to be
something to trigger it,like a change in
pace during the day,flirting, warm bath
together,walk on the beach.Do you guys do
any foreplay when you do have sex?That may
be a problem too.When you go to ben one
night you should fool around a little,tell
her you just want to play with her,not
have sex.Eat her out and stuff,maybe that
wil trigger something. : )
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tasha82
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Oct 2005 Posts: 112
Posted: 01-23-06 22:17pm
Levar, you sound like a great guy. I'm
sorry you're having this problem. I'm
not trying to play amateur psychologist,
but I really think your wife's problem is
deeper than just a low sex drive. Do you
know if she may have been sexually abused
in her past? Does she give you reasons
why she doesn't want to have sex?
I strongly suggest marriage counseling for
you and your wife. Maybe that will
provide some answers, whether it's a
problem in the relationship or your wife's
own issues.
As for the internet porn, that's pretty
normal. Most men do it, whether their
wives know about it or not. I really
hope things get better for you. Good
luck!
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TaraJay
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 14 Location: WA
That May B the Problem...... Posted: 01-23-06 22:36pm
The fact that u arent the romantic type
may have somethin to do wit it. I put
something past my boyfriend the other day
and his whole attitude turned around. I
told him that he is too comfortable in our
relationship that it seems like he doesnt
feel he has to try ne more.
...........Maybe ur wife feels the same
but cnt put it across to u. Im not sayin
its u jus narrowing down the
possibilities.
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babychloe
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jan 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Illinois
Reply to Levar Posted: 01-24-06 15:14pm
I am a woman who is a little like your
wife. I do not have much of a sex drive.
The reason is because I have major
cervical pain and just wasn't telling my
husband the truth when he would ask if
anything was wrong. He finally got me to
talk to him about it last night. I love
my husband dearly and i'll do what I need
to to find out the cause for this pain.
Now I have been pushing this problem under
the rug for 6 years. Every time he asks
for sex I think..Okay just get though this
and pretend you are having fun. That was
just lying to him. As for you and your
wife , I agree with the person who
suggested sitting her down and talking.
Just let her know that if she is having
any kind of problem that you will assist
her in finding a solution. Just prepare
yourself for whatever she may have to say.
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erogers33
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Posts: 141 Location: Littleton, CO
Posted: 01-24-06 15:56pm
Levar, trust me when I say this... Your
wife's problem isn't your fault. Even the
least romantic guy in the world is going
to have sex with his wife more than 2x in
3 years. There is something
psychologically wrong with her, and she
may or may not know it. I mean.... You
didn't even have sex on your honeymoon!!!
I'm a woman and I know how upset I would
be if my husband didn't want to be close
to me on our honeymoon.
No matter how stubborn your wife may be,
she needs to open up to you and tell you
what's wrong. It's not fair to either of
you. I would suggest initiating a
conversation with her about your concerns.
Most likely, her first reaction will be
to get angry with you. But don't feed
into her anger; let her vent and just be
supportive of whatever she says to you.
No matter what anyone says, sex is an
important part of marriage. It keeps
couples close and intimate, which is what
marriage is centered around anyways.
What happens when you try to initiate sex
with her?
You are a very loyal husband, and I admire
that. You love your wife very much,
otherwise you would have been unfaithful a
long time ago. Not only are you sticking
by her side, but you are being a very good
sport about it.
Please keep us updated and let us know
what happens! Best of luck.
Joined: 23 Jan 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Cincinnati OH
She Does Have Some Pains... Posted: 01-28-06 08:28am
One poster .. Mention something.. That I
did leave out.
She does experience pain during
intercourse. It usually comes during
insertion..... Then she's fine once we
get going.
However, once she reaches orgasm... Its
over.... And that happens in like
10mins..... So I don't even get to
finish. She will start crying and
shaking.
She's 28 and only had 2 paps in her life.
Never been able to have one while
awake. The doctor has to put her
completely under to get one done.
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dixiegirl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Sep 2005 Posts: 22 Location: Deep in the heart of dixie.
Posted: 01-28-06 16:44pm
A pap shouldnt be so painful that the
doctor should have to put you to sleep to
have one. Granted, it isnt the most
pleasant thing in the world, but it is
tolerable. If something is that painful
for her, her doctor should be trying to
figure out what is wrong with her.
Now, the pain with intercourse ...........
If you dont have sex often, it will hurt
during penetration. If shes done once
she reaches orgasm, it could just be that
she has had her "release" so to speak, and
shes done.
You metioned in one of your posts that you
guys didnt even have sex on your
honeymoon. That right there leads me to
believe that the problem with your wife
may not be physical. I understand that
some people, that were virgins when they
married, may have that problem and be
scared, but they get past it. It
happened to one of my best friends, but
she got over it .......... Quickly.
I think you need to have a good long talk
with your wife. You should not have to
suffer like this, nor should she. You
guys are young ......... If there are no
physical or emotional problems, you should
have a sex life. I know life itself gets
in the way, but this isnt normal to me.
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karaokehstess33
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2006 Posts: 6 Location: MD
No Sex Life Posted: 01-29-06 22:19pm
I personally do not believe this to be a
"you're not romantic enough" problem. I
have a female disease which makes sex very
painful for me. Have your wife talk to
gyn about endometriosis.
Another idea which was previously
mentioned is sexual abuse. The crying and
shaking after sex sounds like it may be a
psych problem. You said that penetration
hurts and then she is fine. Sounds to me
as if penetration hurting is because it
doesn't happen enough for it not to hurt.
Again, the crying and shaking sounds to me
like there are much deeper issues. Try
talking to your wife about talking to
someone if she isn't confident in talking
to you.
Bless you and stick by her.
Angie
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levar95
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jan 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Cincinnati OH
More Info... Posted: 01-30-06 07:37am
One poster mention something about her
being a virgin.... We've been together
for 10 years before we got married. We
have 3 kids ages 6 , 1, 1
when we first met in college back in
'95.... We had a great sex life... But
the odd thing was... When I was a
stranger to her... We had sex more
often... As time went on... It became
less and less. The more I fell in love
with her.. The less sex I got. I was a
virgin before I met her.... So I didn't
know what to do when started crying and
shaking..... All I could think was...
Just hold her and be there for her.....And
she'll get thru it" .... 10 years
later... She doesn't even let me hold
her.
We've had talk after talk..... I can't
get the message across that I am upset
about this and it really starting to get
to me. The conversation.. Usually ends
as quickly as it starts.. With her
saying.. "well just leave" or "stop
being such a pervert".
I've paid for hyponosis once.... She
tried it... But the person told her to
listen to the cds everyday... That
lasted about 3 days. I've bought her
other things... And she refuses to try.
She will not goto a psychologist.
Another i've noticed just this weekend...
Is that we fight more often over very very
very small and stupid things. Before, I
use to just take it and be the one to just
keep things calm... But now I find myself
firing back at her.
She hasn't hit me in a while.....Which
use to be frequently during fights...
However, I don't always sleep near her
anymore, so she doesn't have the chance
to.
:(
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Carifairy
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 2610 Location: Charlotte n.c.
Thanks: 12
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-30-06 14:35pm
3 kids definately is enough to lose sex
drive, which is why waiting a while into
the marriage is a good thing..
Okay she definately needs to get a pap and
a complete physical check-up, as well as a
mental health visit. This sounds like
something that could be either mental or
physical.
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erogers33
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Posts: 141 Location: Littleton, CO
Posted: 01-30-06 15:16pm
Something that really alarms me is the
fact that she's only had 2 pap smears her
whole life, and the doctor had to sedate
her to perform them. Normally, paps are
performed every 1-2 years, and while it is
uncomfortable, there should be no pain
great enough to be put under anesthesia.
That leads me to believe there may be a
physical problem causing her low sex
drive. Also, you said she shakes and
cries after having an orgasm. This could
be either physical or emotional. Either
way, your wife needs to seek some
immediate attention.
From what you've said, your wife is very
stubborn and has fought any previous
attempts of treatment. I don't know how
to fix this one, because your wife is the
one who needs to admit she needs help.
On top of all this, I think some marriage
counseling could really benefit the both
of you. But once again, your wife will
more than likely fight this idea.
Reading your posts, it really sounds like
you are a stand-up guy; committed to
making your marriage work, always standing
by your wife's side, a good father. It's
time your wife treated you with the same
compassion.
