I'm 28 and i've been with my ex for 12
years. We started when we were in high
school and it was the perfect
relationship. Just because when we
started out we were best friends before we
were anything else. After 2 years he
asked me to marry him and I said yes but
we both knew it wasn't going to be any
time soon just because we were both so
young but we did move in together and yes
we had your basic problems at the
beginning just because moving in with
someone is when you really get to know
that person. Well we have gone though a
lot of ups and downs over the years but
one thing was always for sure we loved
each other and we could work through
anything. Well last year at christmas he
asked me to marry him again and gave me
another ring and of course I said yes.
In jan his father passed away from cancer
and I wasn't there before he died. The
family knew he was going to die and they
called every one and I didn't go. I made
a big mistake. There was a lot of
reasons why I didn't go I had just had a
major back surgery in dec and I wasn't
suppose to travel very far and his parents
live 5 hours away and I think that I just
couldn't believe it was happening I didn't
think he would pass away. It just didn't
seem real to me. And he wasn't by
himself his whole family was there.
Anyway I made a mistake and I knew I
should have went with him from the moment
he left and the day I was going to take a
bus down to be with him his dad passed
away. I was there after that but the
damage was already done. From that
moment on things changed between us it's
like he was pushing me away little by
little. I had to pospone the wedding to.
We had first set the date of valentines
day feb 14 of 2004 but by the time we had
gotten back from the funeral and his
parents when I went to book halls
everything was booked ( I live in a small
town) so I said we had to pick another
date. Well we didn't and like I said
from that moment on things have been
different. Well now he's drinking for
the last 2 months he's been drinking and
he has a medical condition and he isn't
suppose to drink. Well he is getting
drunk every weekend and not coming home.
I know what everyone is thinking and no he
isn't cheating. One thing about this guy
is he isn't a lier. He has never lied to
me before and I know he wouldn't do that
to me. I know he isn't so please no one
say that he is. We have talked about
that kind of stuff and we have always said
if something happens with someone else
that we would always be honest. We have
spilt. I love him and he loves me but we
can't be together right now. I think
because we started out so young and he
never had the life style of being single
and going out and partying every weekend
that that is what he wants to do now. I
will wait for alittle while but not for
long. Right now I feel very lost my
heart is broken and I just don't know what
to do with my self. I never in a
millions years expected us not to be
together. I was very depressed when it
all started I couldn't eat or sleep. I
didn't eat for 8 days and I was looking
very sick but I got myself out of that
state. And I dont' want to end up like
that again. I keep telling myself to get
up every day. That this pain I feel in
my heart will get better. When I ask him
how he would feel if I did this stuff to
him (going out and not coming home) and he
says he wouldn't like it and that it is
selfish but then he go's out and does it
the very next week end. He would call me
and tell me he wasn't coming home but it
doesn't help. Many a night I had gone
out and gotten drunk but I always seem to
make it home. He says he doesn't come
home because he feels uncomfortable here
(because we have been fighting) and the
fact that he would be drunk when he gets
here he doesn't want to deal with my
reaction. I'm finding it hard to say
good bye to 12 years and my best friend.
I just don't know what to do. Do I give
up on us or do I give it some time? I
can't even explain how much I love him and
how much he means to me. I really feel
like something has died inside of me I
have this constant pain in my chest. I
can't stop crying. I really just need
some ideas on how I go on. No one would
understand what it's like feeling like
this unless they go through the same thing
to imagine this is the person your going
to spend the rest of your life with and
have them be gone. 12 years is a very
long time to be with someone I just don't
know how to get up every day. I'm not
thinking anything silly either I just need
a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Any ideas? I love him so much he
really is my life. Any ideas would be
great.
Feeling lost
sorry this is so long
