Ok a lil off topic but I posted in the
relationship section and no one answered,
so....
I have been having probs with my bf since
even before I got pregnant and our son is
now 7 1/2 months old and things are just
awfull to the point where I just want to
kick my bf's a$$. We have nothing in
common anymore other than our son and we
never do anything together and we barely
even have sex cause why would I want to
have sex with someone I fight with all the
time. We never talk cause he doesn't want
to hear it and I honestly think it would
be best if I just found a new place and
left (even thouogh where we live was my
place first) I just don't know what to do.
Right now I am on maternity leave untill
mid april after that I have to go back to
work but my son will only be 10 1/2 months
and the daycares around here won't take
him till he's older. I have no one to
watch him and I really don't want to have
to go on welfare but just might have to.
Is there any point in trying to save a
doomed relationship? We have tried taking
a break and just nothing seems to work
(maybe if he'd talk to me it would help
but he doesn't). Arghhhhh i'm just so
stressed and I don't need it coming out on
my son in anger. I don't know what to do?
Should I leave with the baby?
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fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
Posted: 01-30-06 10:57am
I am so sorry you are having a bad
time--lil_blaze.
I have tried to leave mine many times but
something always brings me back. So im
not so good at this. I guess all I can
say is--if you think you can truly leave
him behind--then go for it. I have been
thru so much with mine and I just cant let
go. So, I take it as it is meant to be.
Yours may or may not be the true one!!!
I dont know. I dont even know if you
believe in one true mate or not. I hope
you can staighten this out--cuz your
right, even if baby dont see or hear the
fights he will feel the tension of it.
Good luck and .God bless you.
Always,
joanna
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lil_blaze2004
Supporter
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 6492 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-30-06 11:02am
Thanks for answering joanna.
I honestly don't think he's the "one" I
think I lost my "one" yrs ago, although
have been thinking about him again
recently. I just don't want trey to
suffer because his dad can't grow up. I
know mike loves trey but if he took trey
and left i'd be heartbroken, mike on the
other hand I htink would be relieved not
to have to be a full-time dad. Is it
selfish that trey would not see his dad
every day. I know he knows when we fight
now cause he gets crabby when we do and I
just hate it. I am so unhappy and I just
don't need to fall into a depresion again
because I want my son to have a full-time
dad. Arghh I just don't know what to do.
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~rubmybuddahbelly~
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 752 Location: :( N.O. Evacuee now in TEXAS
Posted: 01-30-06 11:08am
Ok it wasnt untill last night I finally
figured out what I was going to do with my
relashonship. Maybe if I explain my
situation you'll kinda learn something
from it. I have been with muh babys
father on and off for about 4 1/2 yrs 2
yrs really steady ongoing . I got with
him when I was 12 and a half and we split
up for a while well he ended up getting
another girl pregnant which she had his
first daughter nevaeh. Whom I love to
death. Then when she was 3 months we got
back together. Everything was great
better then it had ever been before me
only being 14 at this age. But we stayed
together and it wasnt untill I was 15 that
he moved in with me and my mom cause he
had no where to go. Well in that time
things got a little rocky. We would
fight alot and it got to the point that he
hit me a few times. Nothing to serious
but a little slap or a push. But then we
would make up and things would be ok.
Well when I was 16 we got our own place to
stay. We moved in and I thought this was
it we had our own place things were going
to be good. I was wrong it was good for
the first 2 maybe 3 months and then he
lost his job and we let his sister move in
me and her got a job working at cafe du
monde for nearly nothing just enough to
pay our rent. Then he got back to
smoking weed. ( he had been an addict to
crack.. Herion...And other things before
all this but had quit ) this is about the
time I decided to not try to have a baby
any more, but I cant say anything cause I
didnt do anything to provent it. We had
talked numerous times b4 this about how we
loved each other and we were going to be
together forever and we wanted a family,
he wasnt in his daughters life by this
point. Well the hitting got worst and I
ended up in the hospital 2 times that I
can remember that it had gotten so serious
to the point I had a fractured bone in my
nose and stitches in my lip. We split up
that time lost our apartment he went to
jail and I moved back home. I started
getting his daughter alot watching her and
babysitting her and then he was allowed to
see her so that meant he would come by my
house and we would go to the park or
something. Then me and him kinda worked
things out and got back together but we
were staying in different places and he
did end up hitting me again. It was just
a little sap but he still did it. I
stopped letting him come over for a while
even when his daugher was there but then
the young love kicked back in and it felt
like hey I cant stay made at him forever.
Well the hurricanes hit while we were
still staying in seperate houses the day
before hurricane katrina I rushed to bring
his little girl to her mom because they
were evacuating and me and my family were
going to stay. The morning of the night
that the hurricane hit we left. Well I
barley talked to him the whole time he was
out doing his thing because by this time
we had absoultely nothing in common other
then I was really close to his family and
his daughter and the time we had spent
together. Well he came and picked me up
about a weka nd a half after the storm we
went back to new orleans and I got
pregnant while staying with his mom. And
we still didnt like do anything he acted
happy but it wasnt like we had planned it
would be. Cause honestly I loved him and
wanted to be with him but I was scared of
him and it hurt just as bad to be with him
then to be without him. He got really
bad off on drugs while we stayed with his
mom. So I mainly just sat around with
his mom and hung out with her when she
wasnt off doing her thang. Well we
eventually gatherd up some stuff decided
to come to texas and thats where I drew
the line. We had a big fight and he was
drunk while his daughter was standing by
me ( she had come down with us just to
visit ) and he threw a beer bottle at me
and hit me while I was 10 weeks pregnant.
He left that night I called my aunt to
come get me and ive been in texas ever
since. He calls every once and a while
but last night he called and he asked how
I was and told me he loved me and I asked
him if he had been doing drugs again like
really bad and he said no. Well he had
fallen asleep on the phone and his cousin
picked up the phone whom im close to and
said hey I want to talk to you. We
talked on the phone and then on the net
and she told me she was like look I love
you and I love that baby but casey is
really bad off on drugs and I don think
hes going to get any better she said we're
all here for you and the baby and thats
never going to change but theres no hope
for casey and thats when it hit me that I
was holding on to nothing. So I made my
choice that he will always be the father
of my child there is no changing that and
I will always be in his familys life, but
I cant deal with casey and all his drama
and hink that things will get better.
My case is a little more extreme then your
but I can say from experience that the
fighting dose not get better and it
dosen't get easier. Im willing to take
the help I can ( welfare..Ebt ext. ) I
mean not to live off on for the rest of my
life and just do nothing with myself but
to help along with the process of getting
on my feet and then going from there.
Raising a baby is hard in its self and
then doing it alone is even harder. Im
lucky cause I do have the support of mine
and his family. I think you should
really think about whats going on with
your relashonship I mean im not going to
try and tell you oh u need to do this and
this and this. But I do belive that you
should go with ur first thought and do
whats best for you and your child. If u
cant talk to him like u said or u need
anything u can private message me.
Sorry this post was so damn long but I
thought id explain myself before I put in
my 2 cents about whats was going on with
you...Lol
hope everything works for the best girl
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acoles70
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Nov 2005 Posts: 191 Location: KY
Posted: 01-30-06 12:12pm
I just want to say one thing. Kids live
what they learn. Even babies understand
what is going on around them. My husband
and I had a hard time adjusting when my
son was born, we were so used to it being
the two of us. We started fighting and
yelling. I didn't want to subject my son
to that, so I gave my hubby an ultimatum.
I told him we would seperate or we would
go to counseling. He chose counseling.
It was the best thing for our
relationship. We hardly even argue
anymore. Your first child can put alot
of strain on a relationship, you need to
learn to work together. But if he
refuses to get counseling or admit there
is a problem I would pack up and leave.
You don't need your child growing up
around yelling and screaming. They pick
that up.
Ashlee
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kirztensmummy
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2005 Posts: 326 Location: london
Posted: 01-30-06 12:32pm
acoles70
wrote:
... You don't need your
child growing up around yelling and
screaming. They pick that up.
Ashlee
i agree with ashlee, jess. I thought
everything was sorted out with you and
mike. But anyway do what you think is
best for trey...Its prob unfair for him to
grow up in an environment that his mum and
dad dont get along he'll prob appreciate
it if you have a friendly relationship
with his dad. But make sure youve done
everything in your part if you decide to
do something drastic coz you also dont
want the feeling of regret after you went
with your decision.
At the end of day, our kids deserve to
have a better environment and a gr8
childhood memories that they can look back
and thank us mums/dads for when they grow
up.
Hope everything goes well soon
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 01-30-06 12:49pm
acoles70
wrote:
i just want to say one
thing. Kids live what they learn.
Even babies understand what is going on
around them. My husband and I had a
hard time adjusting when my son was born,
we were so used to it being the two of us.
We started fighting and yelling. I
didn't want to subject my son to that, so
I gave my hubby an ultimatum. I told
him we would seperate or we would go to
counseling. He chose counseling. It
was the best thing for our relationship.
We hardly even argue anymore. Your
first child can put alot of strain on a
relationship, you need to learn to work
together. But if he refuses to get
counseling or admit there is a problem I
would pack up and leave. You don't need
your child growing up around yelling and
screaming. They pick that up.
Ashlee
ita. I left.
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tigresacanela24
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Nov 2005 Posts: 5261 Location: Treat your children well, eventually they'll choose your nursing home.
Posted: 01-30-06 13:00pm
I'm kind of going through the same thing.
I love my hubby but it's definitely
rough. I felt like we were growing
apart. I felt like I was trying to hold
onto smoke every time I tried to have a
discussion with him that will save our
relationship. We decided to separate for
awhile. It seems like now he's the one
trying to save the relationship. I
honestly don't know what to advise you
since i'm in the same situation. I just
say to go with your gut. This is going
to sound really stupid but when I need to
make an important decision I flip a coin
(wait it's not what it sounds like) if I
find myself trying to flip it again or
wishing that the toss had gone the other
way then I know what I really wanted and
that's the decision that I make. When I
flipped on whether or not I wanted my
husband to leave for a while and it came
back for him to stay I was so upset that I
knew that he had to go until we could sort
things out one way or the other. Not the
best way to do it I know but it always
helps me make up my mind. If you're not
completely ambivalent about it it may help
you. Sorry, that's the best I can do...
:oops:
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QueenBee2_3
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jan 2006 Posts: 194 Location: CT U.S.
Posted: 01-30-06 13:25pm
I just wanted to suggest talking to a
counselor whether it's marriage counseling
or personal counseling. You can get help
deciding with your local department of
women's and children's services. And
it's free to you through the state.
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lil_blaze2004
Supporter
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 6492 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-30-06 13:38pm
Thanks for your replies. I don't live in
the states but have already looked into
counseling and he doesn't want to do it,
he thinks it's dumb. Anyway i'm looking
for a duplex as I type so we'll see if I
find something.
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QueenBee2_3
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jan 2006 Posts: 194 Location: CT U.S.
Posted: 01-30-06 13:51pm
lil_blaze2004
wrote:
thanks for your replies.
I don't live in the states but have
already looked into counseling and he
doesn't want to do it, he thinks it's
dumb. Anyway i'm looking for a duplex
as I type so we'll see if I find
something.
doesn't canada have an equivalent of the
dwcs?
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 01-30-06 15:08pm
Lil_blaze2004, I am very sorry that things
are not working out for you guys, it
really upsets me when men act like it is
all the womens fault, you do not have any
family members to turn to for a while?
Their are a lot of places that will take
in single mothers until they can get on
their feet a little better here. We
cannot tell you what to do but all I can
say is that if you are not happy you are
the only one that can change the situation
but we are here for you! Try not to quit
your job and try to get some support for.
Trey from his dad, he does owe him that
much, your job will help you in a lot of
ways, you do not have to be in no hurry to
leave, start stashing all of the money
that you can. Will he leave, can you
afford that place you are in now, even
with the memories. Can you get a
dependable, reliable babysitter, ask
around and the welfare office is a good
place to ask.
I wish the best for you and .Trey.
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lil_blaze2004
Supporter
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 6492 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-30-06 15:57pm
Queenbee, ya we have somehting the
equivalent of that here in quebec i've
spoken to them to try and arrange
something but bf doesn't want go, so
whatever.
As for the rest, i'd love to go back to
work. I make pretty good money when
working but don't want to have to pay
extra for a private babysitter. In
quebec we have a 7$/day daycare system for
everyone unless oyu wanna pay $150+/ week
for private daycare. Anyhoo they won't
take him till he's 18 months and there;s
waiting lists for all of them (i've been
on waiting lists since I was 4/5months
preggo!!) I know something will come up
even if I work from home or something i'm
surei'll figure it out, cause I can't see
myself surviving off welfare.
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Angelfanmom
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Oct 2005 Posts: 121
Posted: 01-30-06 16:45pm
Socail assistance in ontario is a joke
now. Its a shame for mothers that are
literally stuck with no where else to
go.
Would you be eligable for low income
housing? My friend called them up and
said she had no where to go and could not
find anything she could afford. She was
in within a few weeks.
Hope everything works out for you.
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poohbear101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Nov 2004 Posts: 383
Posted: 01-30-06 16:53pm
Not being with the father is hard but
having your son grow up witnessing you two
fighting all the time will be even harder
for him. It's not selfish if you took
your son and his father didn't see him
every day. You're protecting your son by
getting out of a situation that is bad for
all of you. The father of my baby and I
just broke up recently. He wasn't ready
for a commited relantionship and wanted to
be able to see other people. I was upset
at first but i'm glad that he told me now
instead of just sticking in the
relantionship because it would have been
the "right thing to do". But even though
we're no longer together we still see each
other and once I have the baby i'm
planning on moving home which is a couple
hours away from where i'm living now so my
child won't see his/her father every day
either. In truth it will probably only
see him a couple times a month.
It may not be the ideal way to raise a
child together but staying with someone
because of a child isn't ideal either.
It'll be harder doing it as a single
mother but you have to think of you and
your son's happiness. And who knows maybe
this time apart will do you both good and
he'll finally grow up and realize that he
has responsibilities that he can't just
ignore. Good luck.
Aww jess, it's getting worse....... I was
hoping it was going to get better after
the break. I really don't know what to
say, if you need to vent i'm here :wink:
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Sammy001
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jun 2005 Posts: 706 Location: ,
Posted: 01-30-06 19:04pm
I feel so bad...You can come live with
me!!.. I have to go back to work
soon...Hey you can be my live in nanny and
treyand nathan will be best buddies.
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El
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 476 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted: 01-30-06 19:24pm
Sorry to hear things are'nt good with you
guys lil blaze- do you know, it sounds to
me like you are already doing it alone
anyway.
If your partner was going to watch little
trey when you went back to work- why would
that have to change just because you
are'nt together as a couple any more?
How old does he have to be before a
day-caer centre will accept him? Could
you delay your return to work for a couple
of months?
If you really want to leave, leave- don't
let the little things stop you- if you are
haapythen the little things take care of
themselves.
Focus on the big things, in priority of
how big an impact they are making on you
and trey right now, and leave all the
"what if's" for later- you've got enough
to deal right now with without having to
find more don't, as my mother would say-"
go meet the devil with a weelbarrow"(go
looking for more trouble)
if the situation is sapping your will to
live, making you miserable far more often
than you are happy, making you upset in
front of your little boy on a regular
basis, making you act in a way that isn't
you, or a way you don't want to be you,
then maybe step away before it gets really
ugly.
Maybe you'd be better off raising your son
as friends, instead of stayuing together
long enough that you've really hurt each
other, and can't stand each other anymore.
If you think that staying together will
make you enemies, then step out for a
while, there's a chance you might get back
together in the future, and if not, then
at least if you take action before you
guys are all bitter and hatefull towards
each other- you'll still be able to be
friends- still celebrate trey's speciall
acheivements and occasions together- his
birthdays, graduations, school plays etc.
Make it so he won't ever feel he has to
decide which parent to invite. Your son
is completely nutural ground- he deserves
to feel he is allowed to love you both.
You can still be great parents together,
even if you can't actually live together.-
maybe better by the sounds of things.
I know i'd hate to have to face that
decision with my husband, I wouldn't want
to choose for my daughters to live without
their daddy, but if I got to the point
where I really felt we'd be better off
apart, then i'd be trying to make sure we
were still a family, even though my
husband and I were'nt still a couple.
I'd try to live whithin walking distance
of each other, and try my very hardest to
stay on good terms. I'd be trying not to
break up the family by breaking up the
relationship- they are two seperate
things, and i'd want my girls to always
have a family- does that make sense?
Hope something in all this blabber helps
you !!!
Be good to yourself.
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tigresacanela24
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Nov 2005 Posts: 5261 Location: Treat your children well, eventually they'll choose your nursing home.
Posted: 01-31-06 08:48am
I'm so sorry, I wish that there was some
way that I could help you. I know
exactly what it feels like. But, you do
know that you are strong enough to do
whatever needs to be done. You can do
everything in jesus' strength and he will
look out for you and provide everything
you need if you have faith in him. I'm
not trying to preach, i'm just telling you
something that comforted me when I first
started to go through with my husband.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 01-31-06 16:54pm
Lil_blaze, don't quit your job, you lose a
big part of yourself, you need a break
from your child as much as he needs a
break from you, can the daddy babysit
while you are at work and if you do have
to pay someone you can write it off at the
end of the year, I believe you can write
it off there just like here or make him
pay for it with the child support that you
should get from him, does he work,
actually it is none of my business but if
he does then noe is the time to take him
to court for child support, I am sure
their is that there it is too bad thaat
you cannot work things out but if you
can't then it is time to move on. I
remember people saying that if you make
your bed, you lay in it, later on in life
I learned that if the sheets get dirty
that you have to change them. You do not
have to be on welfare, it is just that
sometimes they have lists of certified
babysitters in the office.
