Since the beginning of last year I wanted
to lose weight..I started out
innocent..Healthy diet..Exercise..Doing
everything the way it should be done.
Over the course of 4 months..I lost 20
lbs. I was ecstatic..My friends had
never seen me look better..I wanted to
lose more..I started skipping meals..And
eating as little as I possibly could to
get by..I wanted to lose the weight
faster..Success again..3 months later I
had lost another 20 lbs. I am 17
now..And started at 165 lbs. I then
weighed 124..I wanted to reach 120..That's
all I wanted. Christmas rolled around
and the sweets came..I had not wanted to
even try them for an entire year.
But I snapped.
Ate whole boxes. Cookie plates.
Pies..
I gained a few lbs. But I couldn't
stop.
Now I have bulimia.
I find myself not eating anything all day
long only to come home and eat everything
I see. Cookies. Poptarts. Leftovers.
Crackers. Cereal. And tons of
chocolate..Then I drink a ton of
water..And throw it all up..Until I am
back to the weight I started at before the
binge..And then take laxatives..
Though I keep gaining weight! I am now
at 131 lbs...
I am shocked..And angry at myself.
But I keep doing it.
I don't know what to do.
And why do I keep gaining weight?
This is horrible..
(edit: also to clarify..I am 5'6, 131 lbs
/now/ and 17 years old and a female)
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breeanna
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Oct 2005 Posts: 79
Posted: 02-03-06 03:48am
Its amazing how similar some stories can
be. It always starts out innocently hey.
I know mine did. And then you want to
lose more. But oyu think you can control
it. You think you can just throw up some
times - here and there. And then you get
more and more thoughts about throwing up.
Until they stop you from doing what you
love. They stop you from going to school,
because they want you to stay home and bp
all day. Its like a dream for ed. Your
probably angry at yourself cause with
anorexia its liek a spiral down. You
control the weight aspect (not the eating)
but you can keep it going down. And then
with bulimia you just go up down up down
up down up up up down down down down down
etc. You could be gaining weight for a
few reasons 1. Not eating enough, your
body is holding on to every thing as soon
as it hits your mouth 2. Your motabolism
has slowed from not eating enough.
Bulimia isnt a choice. Not where your at.
You need help sweets. I think you might
deep down know that, because you posted
this letter of yours. I have never had
anorexia but I have bulimia and it has got
pretty bad and my body weight dropped -
but thats actually at the beginning of my
recovery. But ive gone back up again :(
tell me what you think xxx
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epiphany
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 6
Posted: 02-05-06 15:05pm
Thank you very much for the reply.
To update..On friday my parents stopped
me..And asked to talk..My mom said she had
noticed evidence of me throwing up.
I told them I was just eating until I got
sick..As oppose to throwing
up..Forcefully.
They asked me if I needed to get help.
They said they wouldn't tell anyone..But
they are worried for me..And they don't
want anything like that to become an
addiction for me.
I am worried too.
Even the next day..I was just having a
normal convo with a friend and out of the
blue he asked me if I had an eating
disorder..
Should I really 'get help'? I don't want
to..Because I keep thinking I can stop
myself..But I am worried.
And as for my metabolism dropping being a
result of weight gain.
I suppose that could be right. Even if I
am throwing up within an hour of
eating..Could I still be gaining that
much.
Thanks for any/all replies.
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breeanna
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Oct 2005 Posts: 79
Posted: 02-05-06 23:39pm
Hey sweets. My parents know all about
mine. They have no idea about how do deal
or anything. Its actually really funny.
Like my mum will be like.. Do you want a
peanut butter sandwhich to take to school?
I feel like being like your so stupid!
(i dont throw up at school). Why do you
think your friend asked you if you had an
ed? Is it the way you look or your
behaviour? As for geting help I think it
would be a great idea. Whats wrong with
extra support? You might not think you
need it now because its not htat bad, but
if you dont get help, its probably gona
get worse, and you definately dont want to
be there. Your parents sound like there
nice. Do any of your friends know?
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epiphany
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2006 Posts: 6
Posted: 02-06-06 16:37pm
Before I start, thank you so much for your
replies!
Yeah..I felt horrible when my mom and dad
sat me down and talked to me about my
ed..I have no idea why my friends think I
have an ed though..No..I haven't told any
of them..I feel really ashamed of it..Like
somehow it totally makes me less of a
person..Weak..Over-indulgent..And yeah
"out of control"..So when my guy
friend..And my best friend asked me if I
had ed..I said no.."what? An ed?
Hahah..Me? C'mon"..And laughed it off..I
don't want them to know..I'd feel like a
freak..
The reason I don't want to seek 'help' as
far as conseling..Is cause I feel like ed
already takes enough of my freaking time
away from me..I don't have time for
anything I love to do..And if I have to go
to therapy..More time..Gone..And then I
have to feel once again..Like a freak..
I don't know..I'll consider it.
P.S. Does anyone else have any idea why I
am gaining weight, despite not eating all
day..Then binging..And throwing it all up?
I am clueless..
Thanks.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 02-06-06 17:15pm
Yes yo do need outside help, it is a
disease and I am sure you do not want to
die or mess up your system or hurt those
that really care and love you. You can
totally mess up your esophagus and
stomach, it can cause internal mediccal
problems, you can bleed to death. I am
sure that you do not want to end up with
other medical problems and being in the
hospital with a bunch of tubes going in
and out of you. Please get help before
it is too late! I am a nurse and I have
seen what can happen if you keep
continuing on doing this. Please, please
please get help. Do not worry, you are
not alone in this! You might think about
starting with mental health and no, I am
not trying to say that you are crazy,
heck, we all need a little help sometime
but at least theey will start you in the
right direction.
Good luck to you!
Please keep us posted on how you are
doing.
The best to you!
