How to Get Over a Past Relationship When You're Married Posted: 02-11-06 16:31pm
I'm 20 yrs old, and my wife is 18. She
was verbally abusive to her first
boyfriend, and a year after she broke up
with him, she was still in love with him.
He began going to her house just to have
sex with her then leave, and she convinced
herself that he was doing that because he
loved her too.
Well, last night we were at a
restaraunt and he came up. She said that
she could never hate him for what he did
to her, and said that if he ever came back
into her life that she is afraid that she
might actually consider an affair. Now, I
hold honesty on a very high level with us,
and i'm glad she felt comfortable enough
to tell me the truth. But at the same
time she always tells me that she loves me
with all her heart, but then how could she
ever see herself throwing everything away
for a night with him?
It's eating me alive, and I don't know
what to do. Should I just give her time
to get over him fully, since it's only
been 1 year and a half since she last saw
him, or should I do something else? I'm
so in the dark, and if anyone can give me
some helpful advice, I would greatly
appreciate it.
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Jennifer23
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 76 Location: Texas
Posted: 02-20-06 21:18pm
I think you need to communicate with your
wife. Let her know that you're feeling
really insecure about the marriage ya'll
have and that you need a little bit of
reassurance. Ask her if she needs a
little bit of time to herself to figure
out what she really wants. I don't
understand how she could "love you with
all of her heart" but be able to possibly
cheat on you if that time ever arises. I
think she is young and confused and is
looking for something ... But she's not
sure what it is.
I think you owe it to yourself to find out
what she wants. I mean ... Why would
you want to be in a marriage when your
wife is telling you that she may go off to
the other guy?? I think it's great that
she's being open and honest with you, but
don't you love yourself enough to know
that you deserve better than that? And
i'm sure you love her enough to let her
figure out what she really wants.
Communications is huge in any relationship
... And I think that's what your first
approach should be. Good luck!
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 02-28-06 12:50pm
I think maybe you got marriend too young
and too soon.Didn't you know about him
before you got hitched? If she really
loved you she would not cheat on you.Maybe
he brain washed her or something?
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candy_kissed_mommy811
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Mar 2006 Posts: 29 Location: Virginia
Re: How to Get Over a Past Relationship When You're Married Posted: 03-01-06 15:13pm
lukewarmtragedy
wrote:
i'm 20 yrs old, and my wife
is 18. She was verbally abusive to her
first boyfriend, and a year after she
broke up with him, she was still in love
with him. He began going to her house
just to have sex with her then leave, and
she convinced herself that he was doing
that because he loved her too.
Well, last night we were at a
restaraunt and he came up. She said
that she could never hate him for what he
did to her, and said that if he ever came
back into her life that she is afraid that
she might actually consider an affair.
Now, I hold honesty on a very high level
with us, and i'm glad she felt comfortable
enough to tell me the truth. But at the
same time she always tells me that she
loves me with all her heart, but then how
could she ever see herself throwing
everything away for a night with him?
It's eating me alive, and I don't know
what to do. Should I just give her time
to get over him fully, since it's only
been 1 year and a half since she last saw
him, or should I do something else? I'm
so in the dark, and if anyone can give me
some helpful advice, I would greatly
appreciate
it.
hey! Okay, I know where ur wife is
coming from because I am in a similar
situation. I am 19 and have been with my
husband for two years (married for 5
months now). When my first love and I
broke up (about 2 and a half years ago),
my world came crashing down around me and
I thought that I would never get over him.
Like your wife's x boyfriend, mine would
come over and we would have sex and he
would leave... And again, as your wife
thought, I thought that that was a way of
holding on to him, and I thought that him
having sex with me meant that he still
loved me. Of course, that was not the
case. After about 6 months or so, I met
and fell in love with the man that is now
my husband. I do love my husband with
all that I am but I often think of my x
boyfriend and even dream about him atleast
twice a week. This is nothing I can
help. I believe that when you fall in
love for the first time, that person takes
part of your heart and unforunatly, you
can't ever get it back. My husband and I
have a 7 month old son together and at
times I think that our son would be the
only thing that would stop me from
cheating on my husband with my x (that is
if my x came back). But, in my heart...
I know that I could never bring myself to
do that.... If it came down to it, my
love for my husband would eat away at me
so much that I wouldn't (couldn't) go
through with it. I think that maybe your
wife is that way also... If she loves
you like a wife should love her husband
then if it came down to her cheating...
Her love for you would stop her. I hope
this helped to ease your mind a little and
I truley do wish you the very best of
luck. God bless you and your family.
|
wifeandmomtoone
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Mar 2006 Posts: 8 Location: OR
Posted: 03-03-06 00:50am
No one likes to talk about the fact that
marriage isn't always easy. You don't
always feel like loving your spouse. But
love really isn't a feeling at all. It
is a choice. You choose to love even
when the person is unlovely. That is
what real love is all about.
How long have you been married and how
long did you date if it has only been a
year since she split up with the other
guy? I think it is great that you are
able to discuss this issue with her,
although i'm sure it hurts you. Have you
told her how you feel? Have you asked
her what she plans to do to avoid falling
into a position where she could actually
have the affair? Seems to me, you would
be wise to come up with a plan before the
occassion arises.
Also, I read a great book that talked
about the need to meet your spouse's needs
according to his/her own "love language."
people feel love in different ways. Some
feel loved by gifts, others by spending
time together, others by compliments and
so on. Be sure that you know how to meet
your wife's needs so that she doesn't feel
like she is lacking anything with you and
isn't tempted to search for it somewhere
else.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 03-03-06 01:19am
I realize that it is hell to be ex-d to
death and get married on a rebound.
Good luck!
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jerez
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 May 2006 Posts: 14 Location: US
Posted: 05-18-06 09:25am
I married a man who had a girlfriend
before me who he really didn't even know
well before she moved away. I was young,
I thought they were just friends, he was
always unavailable thru my marriage, we
were married a long time, but she called,
and our long marriage was immmediately
over. He was crazy and she was crazier.
Well it tore our family apart and they
lasted 2 years. That is what happens when
you live a dream, it will become a
nightmare.
I don't like to give advice, and you will
probably learn the hard way, but until she
learns, you won't have peace, and she
won't learn w/out experience. I woud tell
her to leave and not come back!
She is just using you!
You can do better.
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Emma2
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 May 2006 Posts: 4406 Location: Montreal, Canada
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 06-08-06 12:34pm
Dude, im sorry but she will cheat on you.
Most people would never dare admit to
their spouse that they want someone else
and she obviously doiesnt care much for
your feelings and thats all the more
reason why you should just brake up youre
too young to be married anyways.
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fox1lady
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 53
Posted: 08-11-06 20:27pm
You should've considered this before you
married her..My husband and I went through
premarriage counceling before we got
married to work out issues such as
these..Marriage is fustrating and its
something that you have to work at..You
should be honest and express to her how
you felt and that trust and communication
is part of a marriage..Once you cant trust
her then the marriage could fall
apart..But pending that your marriage is
fresh, you still have time to fix
things..Ask her what is it she really
wants, and if she really love you as much
as she says she does..Because you cant
love two people at the sametime and still
be married...
