Need Help For My Girlfriend Posted: 02-13-06 21:13pm
My girlfriend and I decided to have an
abortion about 2 years ago. It was a
mutaul decision that we thought was the
best decision at the time but 2 years
later she is still fighting with the
emotional results. I am personally not
dealing with feelings of guilt that are as
intense, I think that is because I was not
in the operating room and I was not the
one who carried the child inside them,
also I have forced myself to face my
feelings and deal with them so that I
could stand by her when she is hurting.
Since I have dealt with the feelings I am
excited to have children in the future,
you know kind of a second chance to be a
father and a chance to be the father that
I never had (dad ran off when I was born).
However, she gets wigged out when she
thinks of having children in the future
she feels like the child would be nothing
but a reminder, and/or she would resent
the child for some reason. Dont get me
wrong this girl is the sweetest, most
beautiful person inside and out that youll
ever meet she just has some deep rooted
issues with her guilt. How can I help her
move on with her life so we can move on in
our relationship one day, she says shes
thinking about whether or not she wants to
have kids or not so that I can move on and
find someone who wants kids because she
doesnt want to ruin my dream of being the
father I never had (thats how sweet she
is). If anyone has been through this I
would appreciate any help. Sorry its such
a long post.
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 02-14-06 00:05am
No post is too long :)
from what I have heard on this forum, your
girlfriend's reaction seems a little
odd... Many women who come on here with
feelings of guilt after their abortions
want to have children as soon as possible.
However I have no idea if that is the
norm for women who feel post-abortion
guilt or not.
It does sound like your girlfriend needs
someone to talk to her and explain that
just because she had an abortion, she is
not a bad person. She needs someone to
explain her feelings to, and she needs
that person to explain back to her that
every child that she gives birth to is a
gift. She will love that child because it
is hers, and she wants it. She may not be
ready for children at this time; but if
and when she is ready, that child will be
the most wonderful little package in her
life.
That person would be, you, at least! If
you think she needs more help, you can
always go to counseling together, or she
can seek help alone. It does sound like
she is not ready for children in the near
future, and that she needs a
psychiatrist's help in order to ever be
ready. It sounds like you love her and
care for her.
On a personal note, if you two are at the
point in your lives where you are
considering having children, I hope you
get married before you do. I'm just
old-fashioned like that; and I see no
reason why you couldn't, at that point.
You might not be there now!! But someday
you may be.
|
jenn_smithson
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 808 Location: Texas
Re: Need Help For My Girlfriend Posted: 02-14-06 02:34am
t-rod
wrote:
however, she gets wigged out
when she thinks of having children in the
future she feels like the child would be
nothing but a reminder, and/or she would
resent the child for some
reason.
if she's personally not
ready to have children right now, this is
a completely legitimate and understandable
concern. If she feels that she cannot
care for or support fully a child at this
time, she may be concerned that she would
resent it. This does happen throughout
the world to people who were not ready to
be parents or who feel as though they were
thrown into it without knowing what to do.
Are there other things going on in her
life that may make her think twice about
getting pregnant? Is she still trying to
get a degree? Is she trying to launch
her career? Is she trying to be young as
long as possible?
Quote:
dont get me
wrong this girl is the sweetest, most
beautiful person inside and out that youll
ever meet she just has some deep rooted
issues with her
guilt.
it may not all be about
guilt though. She could really not be
ready to have a child and in that case,
she's feeling upset or guilty only because
she sees how enthusiastic you are about
becoming a parent. I don't know for
certain because I don't know either of you
but .Women are trained from young ages to
take everyone elses wants into
consideration before their own. You want
to have a child, it may be obvious to her,
but she may not be ready just yet. In
this case, she acknowledges your wants but
feels guilty because she doesn't feel the
same way just yet. Maybe give her some
time to come around to the idea. You
both probably have loads of time to have
children and according to my own parents,
it's never a bad idea to wait as long as
it takes before you're both ready.
Quote:
how can I help
her move on with her life so we can move
on in our relationship one day, she says
shes thinking about whether or not she
wants to have kids or not so that I can
move on and find someone who wants kids
because she doesnt want to ruin my dream
of being the father I never had (thats how
sweet she is). If anyone has been
through this I would appreciate any help.
Sorry its such a long
post.
you could ask her if
she's afraid of becoming a parent and if
so, why. You could also get her to go
see a counselor or a therapist or suggest
couple's counseling to her and see if she
wants to go. I'm sure you have the best
intentions in mind but she could just not
be quite ready to be a parent yet. If
this is truly the case, time is the best
thing that you can give to her. She'll
probably come around, most .Women do have
a child at some point in their lives.
Peace and best of luck,
jenn
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
T-rod Posted: 02-14-06 18:12pm
I feel that both jenn and eiri are correct
in a lot of ways. Sometimes women do not
get over an abortion without the proper
help and their are times that it needs to
be professional help, she has not yet
forgiven herself and has possibly
forgotten the reason why she did it at the
time and their are times that it takes
longer to understand. If you truly love
her you will stand beside her yet give her
some space when she needs it.
E.M.D.R. Can help a lot of times in
situations like this, it is done by a
psychologist and it is done by knee taping
or finger movement, it takes you back to
that time and allows you to forgive
yourself and you get a heavy release from
it, it helps people with phobias, post war
syndromes, some child abuse and neglect
among other things and their are no
medications.
Good luck to the both of you!
|
aimeeSLP
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Mar 2006 Posts: 1
Posted: 03-08-06 04:13am
I have no advice to give, but maybe the
resentment about future family planning is
a turn off maybe because of guilt - she
wonders how she could abort one child and
then keep another (sort of like pick and
choose), or maybe she feels like she
doesn't deserve to have children at all.
These things are tough, but hopefully you
will be there to comfort her and help her
get thru this.
