My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up
for 5 months. Originally, we said it
would just be a "break" and he wouldn't be
against trying again if it happened for
us. However, I was always in love with
him but he comes from a home where it was
never said/heard, and he once told me he's
not sure he could ever say that to anyone.
We were never friends first, we just met
and started dating and it lasted for 10
1/2 months.
Last night, he finally told my friend the
reason he doesn't want to get back
together is because he liked me as a
girlfriend "like that" but he didn't love
me. And now, he thinks of me as a friend
that he cares about, but he's "not really
feelin it" about dating me again. I know
i'll be his friend, but at the same
time...I guess i'm wondering...Can it ever
happen for us again??? Right now, i'm
just a friend to him--nothing more. I'm
19, he's 21 and he was my first real
relationship, just as I was his second
real relationship. His first one lasted 2
months and the girl treated him pretty
badly, according to him.
Now, he wants to "see other pple" and he
changed drastically. His sister confessed
he might be bi-polar because he gets in
really bad fits of anger, but hes not
abusive, he had a rough childhood in
elementary school. I just..I get the need
to date around, see what else is out
there...But...Will I ever be the one he
wants again??
I know that there's a chance he'll never
say the words, "i love you" and I know
it'll probably be a hard relationship to
keep working at, but...He's worth it. I'm
the one person in his life (so he's said)
who treats him like an actual person, who
cares about him, who loves him for who he
is...I guess...I come from a home where we
were kissed and hugged and loved. Before
me...He didn't know how an actual hug felt
because he said I taught him how to give
good ones. =( i'm not ready to give up on
him..
My question is...Can his feelings ever
re-develop for me? Or am I always gonna
be just a friend???
Moreover::
there were a ton of issues in the
relationship, thats part of what made it
so difficult.
For starters, his self-esteem is really
low because he was made fun of profusely
as a kid. Moreover, he feels unwanted, he
wants to join the marines to release his
anger, the past relationships are an
important issue because the girls he was
with either put him down, treated him like
crap, and they all left him. For whatever
reason, he has issues with intimacy,
affection, and anything to do with
emotion. We’d almost broken up once
before and that was the one time he’d
ever fully expressed how he feels abut me.
I ended the relationship, perhaps that’s
an important factor. I ended it because I
started to feel insecure, like he didn’t
care about me anymore because he never
wanted to talk, he just wanted to pretend
things didn’t happen. It would “fix
itself” and it never did, it just
created a rift. Then, he’d feel like I
was trying to get rid of him when I wanted
to talk about what was going on with us,
which would cause him to lash out and
become even more angry and withdrawn.
Now, as friends, he's more open with me,
he asks more about me (something he didn't
do much when we were together), and he
doesn't want a relationship. We talked
about it recently, to each other not
through friends, and he still believes
he's "not good at getting girls." as
friends…he’s nicer to me, we actually
go places when we hang out. While we were
dating, we’d just stay home, watch tv or
movies, unless i’d pay. I didn’t
mind, its just nice to actually do things
together because it was always a sore spot
for me that he didn’t want to try things
I was into. After we broke up, he started
explaining why he was the way he was: that
he’s “bad in relationships,” that he
really liked me, but was never sure how to
show it.
Everyone has issues, and I know that he
already knows he needs to work on
his...But it still sucks because he says
"we don't go well together" and "we don't
get along." the only reason we don't get
along is because in any relationship,
there has to be communication. You can't
just pretend things didn't happen, thats
not healthy.
I just...I wish that I could help him.
Why is it if he cares so much about me, if
i'm the person he's so close to that he's
cared about the most in his life...Why
can't he let me in?
If he were to work on his issues and
really help himself change for the
better...Could we work??
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jennys11
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 70 Location: miami
Posted: 02-21-06 13:11pm
Just by reading what you wrote I can tell
you are really in over your head. I was
also 19 when I had my first heart break.
It was torture but..I got through it and
so will you. I think women try so hard to
make the pieces fit together that all they
get are more broken pieces. Stop trying
so hard and if someone tells you that they
see you more as a friend it's time you
accept it. I know it's hard but you can't
change someone's mind.
Only time will tell and work on you=don't
be so dependent on him. If he has
problems why would you want that mess in
your life? He needs to change himself.
Life is so short so enjoy it while your
young!
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starscollide
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 5
Posted: 03-05-06 21:40pm
The only question thats left in my mind
is...Could we ever go back to being more
than just friends?
Things have gotten better since I last
posted on this board, but...I'm still
really confused. He ims me every night,
he confides in me more, he treats me
better, and...He still acts all cute with
me. We're hanging out for the first time
in 3 months this coming wknd, but because
of everyones advice, I accepted a date for
this coming sunday with a guy from school
to get to know someone new.
All I keep hearing is, "only time will
tell." I just need to know if I still have
a chance, even if its not anytime soon.
Cuz...Even knowing that there's that
little ounce of hope, it makes it easier.
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Lalee
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2006 Posts: 991 Location: South Carolina
Posted: 03-05-06 23:11pm
No one can give you an answer to that
question. The only thing you can do is
continue to move on with your life,
continue to be his friend, and see what
happens. Don't wait on him. Don't expect
a return to that relationship from him.
Be happy that you're close to him as a
friend, and accept it for what it is.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 03-05-06 23:38pm
I totally agree with .Lalee, do not hold
your breath, if it is meant to be it will
happen but mr right can come along and you
are rejecting him, waiting for this guy,
no way, still have a life with others!!
Good luck!!! Do't let the good times
pass you by!
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starscollide
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 5
Update Posted: 04-12-06 22:58pm
Update:
thank you to everyone who responded, even
though I was stubborn. As of 2 weeks ago,
I completely cut contact with him because
he was treating me like a friend at his
convenience, and maybe i'm overreacting,
but I let him treat me like crap long
enough as his gf...I wasn't about to let
him do it to me as a friend. =/
i still wonder if he'll ever want me back,
but when we talked on the phone, he put
everything on me, accused me of always
wanting to fight, just for fun, saying he
knows he wasn't "that bad." the only
response I had left was: "i don't care
enough to have to explain it to you
anymore. I'm tired of trying to convince
someone why they should care about me.
And if you think that low of me, its not a
big loss for me to not be in your life."
it hurts, but I feel solid on this
decision because for once, I stuck up for
myself.
From what he told me (yeah...He told me),
he likes some girl and feels he "really
clicks with her." so, maybe he'll get it
right with her, I don't even know. All I
do know is he holds me responsible for
everything going the way it did, and
whereas I know I made mistakes in the
relationship, I never put him down, nor
did I try to make him to feel like crap,
just to make myself feel better the way he
did to me. All he had to say about our
situation was: "you were always more work
than fun," "you know what pissed me off?
You said i'd never find anyone who'd treat
me better than you, when I could.
Easily."
any comments are appreciated, even if you
tell me i'm a royal b*tch that should've
continued being friends with him. =/
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Lalee
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2006 Posts: 991 Location: South Carolina
Posted: 04-13-06 14:46pm
Good for you. :) and I don't blame you
at all for what you did. It's your
decision who you decide to associate
yourself with, and you shouldn't have to
put up with crap from someone if you don't
want to.
Good luck to you, and i'm glad you're
feeling good about yourself!
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alone
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Mar 2006 Posts: 81 Location: england
Posted: 04-13-06 15:31pm
Good for you...
I totally agree it sounds to me like it
was good for him while it suited him and
you were there why he sorted out his
problems and now he has (or so he thinks)
thats it he can treat you howeve he
wants...
I think u did the right thing even if I
tdoesnt feel like it at the moment youll
realise it was...
It sounds like its completely his loss and
youll be a much better person because you
made the decision and you stuck to
it...
You know you did everything you could in
that relatioship and as a friend
afterwards.. You get on with your life..
Well done x x x
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starscollide
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 5
Update Posted: 05-03-06 20:11pm
:(
i talked about this situation for the
first time in about a month and a half
with my psychologist today and...I'm
pretty bummed out right now. This girl I
used to be friends with, who knew my
boyfriend cuz they went to high school
together (we all used to work together.
Hence, how I met either of them and how
her and I became friends). This girl, to
put it bluntly, gets around. So, it
didn't come as much surprise to see she
posted pictures on her website of her and
my ex, making it look like its more than
it is. Her & I stopped speaking
prior to this happening, but...That
definitely lets me know I was right to cut
her out of my life.
Moreover, my psychologist told me that my
ex is good on a surface-level with girls
with flirting, being all cute with them,
acting like this suave guy...And she said
that what scares him about me is that i'm
the one person he ever even started to let
in and it scared him. Granted, its been
almost 2 months...I was doing good up
until I saw this "friend" all over him.
Apparently, he's another "conquest", just
someone to screw around with his head, be
all over him, then, ditch him once
something "better" comes along. He used
to tell me how much he hated girls like
that...
Then, another friend of mine recently got
back together with her ex after being
broken up for a year. Similar situation,
same age, they didn't talk for 3 months
after trying a better part of the year to
be friends...And then he contacted her out
of nowhere. Its like...Am I wasting my
breath if I actually want him to contact
me? To let me in again and
actually...Treat me right?? =/
