Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bi-polar Illness Destroyed My Relationship

Hello,

i was in a relationship for 3 years with a lovely lady who was bi-polar.

She told me a few months into the relationship that she had a mental illness, was bi-polar and was on lithium.

I didn't know the depth of the disease and said I loved her and didn't want to leave her.

I accepted her as she was and lived with the mood swings. She was very intelligent, intuitive, beautiful, and had a great personality. We had a lot in common. She was also a recovering alcoholic for 10 years and goes to aa meetings almost daily.

I accepted everything about her as I loved her dearly and wanted to be with her the rest of my life. When we traveled, I made sure that we knew where the meetings were. I always looked out for her interests as her sobriety was most important to her.

My lady lost her job in the last year and could not get back into her field for lack of a completed college degree. I know it hurt her badly. I helped out financially but then she said I wasn't there enough for her emotionally although I kept trying to give more.

We had many great times together and enjoyed each others company.
Throughout the relationship, when little issues would come up, my lady would pull away sometimes. I was told that 2 or 3 little things bothered her, then it built up inside her, and then she would not speak to me and just layed on her couch in depression. We would then talk it out. I know that everybody is a work in progress and we worked out our differences each time until she completely 'shut down' in the last two months.

Every once in a while I would say something that seemed to 'trigger' a past bad memory for her and she would pull away until we talked about her feelings.

We had both been in relationships that were not so healthy in our past. We both said to each other that this was the first time we were both 'in love' with one another and it showed many times. I wanted to take care of her and even had my will made out to her in case something happened to me.

There were times she felt totally trusting and her 'wall' was down and then there were times she went the opposite way. I was faithful to her and believed she was the same to me. Now I am questioning the last two months.

She started seeing a therapist about six months ago and then everything started going downhill. I started seeking help also to work on myself so we could have the healthiest relationship possible. In the last few weeks, I was being blamed for little things like being 4 minutes late for dinner.. Everything became 'unacceptable' behavior in my lady's view. We were both walking on eggshells about dealing with each other in the last two months. We had a great xmas and then things started going downhill.

My therapist said that I have to remember that being bi-polar is a mental illness and is very tough to deal with. Not many people can live with that. I became a puppydog near the end and was saying 'i'm sorry' about issues so as not to start an argument. I never wanted to get her upset. She stated to me that the only people that could hurt her were her daughter and me. At those times she was pulling away but we would have heart to heart talks and would work out the issue at hand. We were very independent people growing up and giving up control was difficult sometimes. I believe she was scared at times about trusting in me or anyone else.

We were looking at houses last year. She was very impulsive about things and I like to research things intensely. That issue bothered her but I believe we shouldn't rush a purchase that huge until we found a place that was right for both of us. If she didn't get her way, she said that I was 'dangling the carrot in front of her and taking it away'. I didn't feel that way as I treated her special. I took her on many fine vacations, gave her nice gifts, told her I love her every day, and much more.

Over the 3 years, she never 'went off' like that except last november when she started yelling at me before she went on a vacation to see a relative. - in that instance, she apologized two days later and said it was the illness and she was in 'blind rage', did not remember what she said to me, as she was overwhelmed.

I realize that in a normal relationship, many of our issues would not have been a problem and things like blind rage would not exist.

In the end, she took off the ring and said 'it's over'. She became very nasty and angry, said many hurtful things as she knew which buttons to push.

Anyway, I was incredibly upset when she broke off the relationship. It is very painful to lose my best friend and the person I wanted to grow old with. It has been about 4 weeks and miss her very much. I have heard all the stories that time heals all wounds, etc but I believed we would be together forever.