It's 4:29 am on the east coast... I
don't even know where to begin let's see
i'll be 20 in 6 days so that means it will
have been 4 years since happiness
permanently left me... It's always
started with some girl, and everything
just goes down hill from there.. I used
to get migraine headaches and miss a lot
of high school and eventually ended up
dropping out.. A failure i'm reminded
of everytime I enter the community college
i'm forced to attend.. And from
there... My failure mindset began, it
started in 9th grade with "why don't girls
ever like me" and was topped off with the
whole drop out thing.. I feel
futureless, some of the posts i've read on
here make me feel even more like killing
myself.. Like single 30 year olds and
such but my mother, whom I inherited
depression from is a very fragile woman
and fortunately I haven't developed enough
selfish hate for it to consume my love for
my family.. I feel futureless, what is
the doing it point of getting a job,
having money, all of that materialistic
linear caca if for the rest of your life
you are half of a lacking whole? It
makes me feel so futureless... And this
girl who was kind of my "saviour" after I
dropped out.. I've depended on her for
happiness for about 4 years now, we had a
special bond because she was there for me
when I dropped out and nobody gave a
medical question about me.. She was
there and I told her everything.. I
eventually fell in love with her but she
never felt the same.. And now likes
this self-centered, conceited doing it
problem in our clique who claims he loves
her, along with everyone... And the
thought of them doing anything ugh... I
can't even sleep, this caca just hurts so
much... I always hurt so much, I cut, I
cry, I front, I cut and cry some more..
I'm never happy... And this girl, she's
done some messed up caca to me.. Hooked
up with all of quote unquote "best
friends" and they were not going to tell
me.. My best friends heh.. Sorry
this post lacks any punctuation, anyways
the friend who was "there for me" through
all of it, I finally got the truth about
him doing it too just this year.. caca
happened a year ago.. 2006 is just
breakin g my heart.. I feel like i'm at
my breaking point.. I mean i'm sure
this caca doesnt seem bad to you guys and
you "have it much worst" but I don't
know... One of my best friends who was
in our little "depression triangle" it was
me, matt, and joey.. Matt killed
himself and we had always told each other
about how we were feeling.. But he just
up and left and to this day is one of the
only people who I could say anything to
and get a relating response.... I
just... Don't know what to do... I'm
always hurting.. So bad... And jobs,
money, cars.. None of that caca
matters.. Not to mention I don't even
have my license... I hate everything
about myself, that's why I cut.. Cuz
everything that's happened is my doing it
fault and I wished to hurt the person at
fault who I hate the most... I've never
had a g/f, think im ugly bla blah blah
you've heard all of this caca before..
I'm so doing it tired of complaining, it's
all I ever do... Hell might be all i'm
good at.. If I just wasn't here to
experience this "this".. That's why I
want to die.. I want to erase the
person causing me the most pain... I
just wish I knew what to do.. If anyone
could tell me I would listen... Ive also
written up a daily reminder to remind me
of what a piece of caca I am anytime I
question why somethings happening.. It
reminds me im an ugly medical question,
reminds me I health forum and whine,
reminds me i've cut and scared my body and
am too out of touch to ever be in a
relationship, reminds me i'm a failure..
But at this point it's like i'm afraid to
be happy.. Because I know the things I
want will never happen or come back..But I
can't part with them.. I keep editing
this post as I remember what I wanna say..
But it's late I dont really know what i'm
saying really.. And i'm atheist so no
"jesus posts" will be of any help to me
|
Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 03-13-06 08:07am
I'm probably gonna get blasted but i'll
give it a shot anyway. I haven't been on
this site long so I don't know whether
your taking meds or not.
Personnally you sound like damaged goods,
truly would you be attracted to you if you
were the other person...Not likely right?
You don't need a girlfriend right
now...You need to do anything and
everything to help yourself. You need to
boost your self esteem....Do the absolute
best you can at college; learn to drive;
get a job...Not just any job...Reach
high...What are you qualified for?...Not
much?....Go union, look at your city
website....Be creative...Look at the
obvious and not so obvious...Anything from
trash collector to waterworks operator to
working on the railroad etc.
My point is once you have set a goal and
have achieved it you will feel a hundred
times better about yourself. Then set
another and another, the girlfriend will
come....But be truthful...Is it fair to
lay all your probs on someone and expect
them to be your saviour?
Not trying to be a heavy....Believe it or
not...I am on your side. :)
|
chrishaney
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2006 Posts: 5
Posted: 03-13-06 19:36pm
Girls, and thinking with our ****, can
really warp reality. We don't need
women. The right one sure adds another
dimension but it aint all pretty. When
those hormones wear off she's just a
regular girl, with problems and annoying
behaviors just like us men. I alot of
men would love to get away from the woman
they are with.
No relationships are worth killing
ourselves over.
The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made.
Schizophreniahealth
This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
