Ending a Relationship Forum - I Just Don't Know What to Do.

I feel numb and now I feel guilty. For the past eleven years I have dealt with her abuse and to be honest never thought too much of it in till last summer. I got used to her verbal abuse, the name-calling, and the put-downs. I sort of was used to her physical abuse, slapping me in the face out of nowhere, her hitting, throwing things at me. I got used to her manipulation, her control, what I bought, what I could do, money, even the remote control and radio stations. I would always seem to place it somewhere in the back of my mind out of the way in till I found myself somewhere alone so I could shed a tear or two. Then I could act like everything was fine and dandy. Something started to change inside me, something I never felt before. After another scenario last summer, one of our many fights, things inside me changed. The fight began by her verbal abuse and this time I got really angry because our 6 year old twins where sitting on the couch listening to everything. I jumped up and gave her a piece of my mind about the children; she started to hit on me. I wasn’t going to just sit there and take her blows “like a man”, so I quickly grabbed her wrists as I was behind her so she couldn’t go psycho on me any longer. When she realized she wasn’t in control she did something so disgusting, so heart changing, she turned her head and spit in my face. As I felt her saliva ooze down my face I felt every bit of respect, every ounce of “in love” fall to the floor. Usually I would bend over and pick it up and dust off the dirt, but this time, I turned my back towards it and walked away mentally and emotionally. She than told me to leave and when I refused she threaten to call 911 and have me taken away. I argued with her and said I had the marks and she poked at herself and made a few marks on herself and simply picked up the phone and said to me, now they will believe her. Luckily she didn’t have the courage to call so we found ourselves at the kitchen table taking about ending this relationship. My six-year-old son was standing right there next to me crying his eyes out asking if we were breaking up. I said what I had too; I did what I had to ease my son’s fears. I begged for us to stay together and that I would change to please her at the same time I could still feel her spit on my face. From that day on I can’t stand her, I am not in love with her and the only thing I do is sit and stare at the door and beg for courage to leave. After that incident I promised myself I would do anything or say anything in till after christmas, I just wanted to see the smiles of my children one last time. Christmas was in the past and I saw the smiles of my four beautiful children that day and my heart was content. She and I knew there was something wrong and one day in january we had our talk. I let out everything, all my hurts, my pains, my emotions and feelings and the lack of. She said she didn’t realize, that she did love me. She changed my words several time to make herself the victim, and when all was said and done, I was leaving and in my mind and heart I was confident about my decision. I got really sick; I even thought I was dying. She found a opportunity to change. Now she loved, she was caring and concerned. In my time of weakness she found a way to be in control once again. She found a way to make me feel guilty inside about the way I feel. It’s almost like she did not believe me when I said I was leaving, like I was going through some phase in life and it was no big deal. It’s been two months now and my heart hasn’t changed a bit. I tell my friends and family that i’m leaving soon, but every time I start to leave she always does something else to make me feel that much more guilty. I keep asking myself why she couldn’t be this way before I became numb. I guess my question is, should I feel guilty? Should I stay and try to make things work for the kid’s sake? Should I just keep pretending that everything is just fine even though I know someday everything will change back to hell? Any advice would be appreciated, I know this seems like a book and there are so many more details than what I wrote but it would take me a month to write it all down. I apologize if this is repeated, I submitted this letter once but I don’t think it went through. It has helped already just getting it off my chest, what would you do. Thx jd