Is It Time to Go/why Did I Stay This Long Posted: 03-22-06 11:50am
A year and a half ago I met this guy who I
feel in love with. I love him more than
anything - I still do after everything
that has happened. We were basically
forced to get married while going through
a costody battle for his daughter. A
week before we got married he told me not
to raise my voice to him or he would put
my head through the f'in wall. He had
always acted erratic - he would keep
everything to himself - he would call me
every name in the book and then tell me
that he didn't mean it he was just trying
to hurt me so I would leave him alone - he
would leave - he wouldn't come home until
after 11pm and not call to tell me he
wasn't coming home - there was all kinds
of little things but never anything like
this. Of course he came up minutes later
and apologized. We got married and in 3
months he hit me in the jaw with his elbow
saying it was my fault and I cornered him
and tried to force him to talk to me about
what was wrong. The next month 3 days
after we bought a house together he told
punched me in the jaw twice because I got
a job offer from our realtor (i was in
that line of work at the time) and he
accused me of f'in the realtor. He left
to go on deployment so the next few months
were ok. He got back in september and in
october he sent me the emergency room to
have 5 stitches in my head. When he saw
the blood he freaked out (reality of what
he had done and the fear of losing his
job) and he promised me he would never lay
his hands on me again. He also promised
he would go to anger management
counseling. He said if I wanted to leave
he would give me anything I wanted. I
stayed and he hasn't hit me again (yet) -
he didn't go to counseling - he refuses
now. What he does do is threaten to hit
me - to break my nose, to send me to the
hospital again. I made the mistake of
telling him that I was afraid of him after
the last incident when I went to the er
and I think he uses that. To me the
threats are just about as bad as the
actual hitting. I know he is emotionally
abusive and physically abusive and
mentally abusive. I am so scared to
leave. I have packed before and he has
stopped me and things have gotten better
for a while. I have drawn up the divorce
and left for 4 days to go to my moms out
of state and when I came back things were
great for a while. The last time I
signed the papers and gave them to him and
the next morning he got hurt at work and I
got called to the emergency room - he was
ok while he was off work. He just went
back monday and now it seems we are back
to the games. He has a bad day and he
won't even speak to me, he's in a bad mood
he doesn't even acknowledge anybody, he
says I haven't done anything he's just in
a bad mood - is this normal??? Everybody
has bad days, everybody gets in bad moods
why shut the door to your spouse. Why
alienate me - i'm there to help make the
bad days better to talk about it. I have
never been in an abusive relationship
before ever. I didn't grow up in an
abusive relationship. He did - he has no
relationship at all with either of his
parents. Am I fighting a losing battle?
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
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Posted: 03-23-06 06:28am
Yes!!!!
Run don't walk!!
Don't let him know....Leave while he's at
work....And let the lawyers do the rest!
:)
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okeeslotqueen
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 1 Location: florida
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Abusive Relationship Posted: 03-24-06 20:44pm
The first thing you need to know is it is
not your fault. He is an abuser and this
is not caused by anger. This is a
learned behavior. If it was just anger,
he would hit you in public or anyone else
that made him angry. I work for a
domestic violence shelter in florida and
you need to find one in your area. They
can give you counseling on this, help you
with a safety plan and give you shelter or
referrals if you need them. The abuse
will only get worse and one day he will go
too far!!!!
Domestic is a learned behavior and this is
what he knows. You are a smart girl
because you do realize your situation.
You are not crazy for staying and you are
among millions, because you think it will
get better. He can get help, but I would
make sure if you leave do not go back
until you see major changes. What about
his ex? Do you know if that was an
abusive relationship? Please find a
shelter and they will help you!!!!
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moniquemzb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Mar 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Wilmington, NC
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Posted: 03-25-06 15:35pm
I grew up with an abusive father,i hated
it. He only hit my mother, out of all
the relationships he had only my mother!!
He is not that way now but it took, 13
years before he changed. If you met him
you wouldn't know but before you would.
It was scary, and when my mom finally left
for the first time, we moved to different
state, like six away. What I have
learned is that no matter what you say to
them they feel you deserve what they are
giving you. I wouldn't stay, things are
bound to get worse before they get better.
He has to want to change. And he
doesn't know what he really has until its
gone. My mom left a few times and came
back. When we came back it was okay for
about 6 months and then it started again.
Things didn't change in his life until
he realized my mother wasn't coming back
until he changed which was four years
before I seen him again. My mom and dad
are back together, going on 7years now and
he don't hit her anymore, he is usually
very sweet. I only got to see two years
of my new father, before I moved away.
He told me once that he was glad mom moved
us away because he said he probably would
have killed her over his jealousy. And
that he really didn't know why he acted
the way he did, he just thought it was
okay when he knows now that he was very
wrong. I love the man he is today, and
the man he was is dead. I hope this can
help.
Last edited by moniquemzb on 03-25-06 15:40pm; edited 1 time in total
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moniquemzb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Mar 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Wilmington, NC
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Posted: 03-25-06 15:37pm
My mother said she stayed as long as she
did, because she didn't love or want any
other man besides my father. Her life
mattered more to her then the relationship
when she finally left and stayed away
until he was a different person.
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charleen
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Get Away While You Still Can Posted: 03-25-06 19:11pm
I was in a abusive relationship with my ex
husband . He didn't care that our
daughter was standing right there watching
all of this happening either.I was tired
of getting hit and explaining to everyone
where these marks were coming from ,
people must have thought I was a real
clutz.One time he gave me a black eye and
I had to tell his family the dog jumped on
me and scratched my eye.Another time he
hit me in the mouth with his wedding band
and knocked half my front tooth out . He
got jealous when I went to a meeting for
my job and he seen me talking to a
coworker and hit me in the back of the
head so hard I almost blacked out and I
was the one driving the car. Well
needless to say that was the last straw I
met someone else that swept me off my feet
and have been happy ever since.Of course
he cried his eyes out but it may sound
mean but he got exactly what he deserved!
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FFB
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
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Posted: 03-28-06 16:33pm
This is my first post here, but I am in a
similar situation. I feel so stupid, but
I want to make my marriage work. My
husband is a mixture of two different
people. He can be loving and kind, and
if I say something that he takes the
wrong way, he will fly off and start
screaming at me. Yes, he has hit me, and
mentally abused me. One of our main
problems is that he drinks. I disapprove
of this, and I tell him so. That is when
all hell breaks lose. Don't get me wrong,
I don't disapprove of a social drink, but
he has a problem with alcohol. He will
try to stay away from it, but he has these
buddies that are always coming around and
he falls right back into it. I know that
they can't make him drink, but I feel like
he will think he is not cool or whipped,
if you know what I mean. So they have
their fun and I suffer the consequences.
I don't know how to get him to understand
that he should put his family first. When
I try talking to him, his temper flares up
and he has a bad one. I just want a
normal marriage. Does anyone have any
advice? It would be greatly appricieated.
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