Abortion Pro Life Forum - So Lets See...

Well I am from a small village in the noth east of england uk my granparents are irish imigrants I am 2nd generation english!

I am 27 year old roman catholic.

This is going to be a bit hard for me, but I am no longer ashamed of my weaknesses.

I was born and baptised a catholic and attended roman catholic schools (both junior and high school) I never attended mass until I reached the age of reason which is 7 at which point I took my first holy communion.

At the age of 4 I was taken by my father to primary school - my first day... I dont remember anything of my first day but upon entering the school gates (late for school..... Being late is a trait that I am renound for to this day) we were met by the parish priest...I had a little ball and we played football(soccer) for a few minutes... Then he started to talk to my father as I continued to play... Kicking the ball off the walls and running arround pretending to be a soccer star. After the priest and my father had parted company my father took my hand in his and preceeded to lead me to the school door... After a few yards I stopped and looking upto my dad and asked "was that god?"

at 4 year old having no church backround and my family were not practising.. I for some unknown reason associated a priest with god.... I guess this was not my first experiance of god since I already believed.... If any person ever asks me how do I know there is a god... I can only say... I cant rember how but I know!

I was never one for religion or church but I always attended from the age of 7... I hated mass.... Hated it..I never listned, just played with my toys etc I used to get so bord... I remember I never took it seriously and always looked at the people in my parish as being overly serious about it and it astounded me how or why they could worry so much about a god who loved them so much.. It just didnt make sense.

I remember practisng for 1st holy communion for months and at the very final practice and all the parents were there including my own. I dont know if you know about communion.... The priest holds up a waffer which is consecrated and turned (by the holy spirit) into the body of christ and he says "the body of christ" to which we reply "amen" and he then puts it in your hand or mouth and you eat it... Same with the cup of wine (turnned into blood of christ) "blood of christ"... "amen"... Drink

well at this practice all the teachers were flustered and running around making sure we all knew what to do.. Going over and over it all... All the parents were sitting there waiting for little "billy" and little "joanne" to show how well they had been trained... I have always been somewhat a bit of a rebel. The practice begins and the line is going around in alaphebetical order and my name begining with. K. I was somewhere towards the back... Everyone going through the motions blah blah it comes to my turn by this time I was bord sht less.

The priest holds up an imaginary wafer (we were not using wine or bread just make believe) "body of christ" .... "amen"i pretend to eat.. He holds up the real cup (no blood or wine in) "blood of christ"..."amen"... I pretend to drink and after which I turned the cup and pretended to throw it in the priests face.

Well the priest turnned the brightest red I have ever seen anyone turn in my entire life the teachers screached and the parents gasped and my mother hung her head.... My father laughed(he's always been ignorant). (i do feel awful about my mother being embaressed but it was only to lighten things up... You would think I was preparing for a funneral not first holy communion!

Anyway I left primary and went to secondary school at which I was a sort of well behaved student who just rebeled against the system rather than people... No homework, very little course work, always talking in class doing practical jokes and having very little respect for the teachers who I just didnt like... That kind of thing.

Sports and art were my two "subjects" where I could be bothered but >>biology<< is where I excelled (weird that abortion issue is very much about biology) supprisingly I was incredibly good at it... Even though I found it very boring and paid only a little atttention in class.... I remember our first test... We would have a number of them over time... I achieved something like 75% the highest in class and my friend who sat some distance away from me (moved becasue of talking) got something like 68% second highest the next test I got 80% and he got 75% the next one I got I remember the exact 92% and he got 89%. He told me he would beat me on my final exame to which I said I wasnt bothered.... He used to revise and I never did.

He revised like he never revised before.... And I never did homework... No revising nothing.

It came to our final test - after which our scores were to be called out. His came out first ... 98% well he was extatic jumping arround and saying "in yer face " and I just wasnt botherd.

My score came out at 100% well he was fumming and I couldnt help but laugh "its not fare I revised for days and days and you! You lazy capatalist (he was very much a socialist) you do nothing! And you still beat me" and he stormed off.

Well I left school with a very basic education and mostly very basic grades. I went to college.... First secular community I had been involved in.... I studied the media as my father had worked in the media and I had had a part time job at the radio station while at school... And it seemed an easy route to go down.... Hell I didnt want no job! I had just left school.... Time to party not work!

I met my current set of friends at college. We would get the bus in the morning together and remain on the bus to our nearest city and get very drunk before turning upto our last class of the day - falling down drunk!

Then we started going out to the clubs where we were to start dabbling in drugs... I never got heaverly into the stuff and always remained dubvious of it.

It was durring this period I had a lot of trouble with who I was and where I was going.... I was going out on saturday nights and getting off my face.... Stumbling into church on the sunday morning... Vomiting outside etc I was a real disgrce!

I thought to myself I am just a hypocrit... Look at me! Jesus dosnt want me here I am not good enough to look at the church let alone be part of it.... So I stopped going "i can worship god anywhere" I would say to myself and my friends. I got deeper and deeper into the drinking and drug lifestyle...

We had the money we had the means and we had the time.. We decided to head to ibiza (spanish island) suposed to be party capital of the world!!! Sun, sea, sex, sangria(alcohol) and plennty and I mean sh8 load of drugs.. The place was rife with all the party drugs.

For some unknown reason what was the biggest party of my life... 14 days of partying and litterally 2hrs sleep a night between night bars closing and beach bars re-opening... All the lifestyle lost its appeal.... I realised the people were false, the music was false the high was false....

I continued in my party vein after my return home. I was content with it being an escape at weekends from college.

I remeber being in a nightclub one weekend at around 3am the lights were going the music was pumping and I had been dancing all night non stop I had suddenly come back to the "real world" and was very hot - I headed towards the stairs landing to get a breath of cool air... While there coming up the stairs was young man called who I had gone to junior school with and who I had seen at church every week until I had left.

"alright izzy" he asked "mint" I exclaimed (mint = the best)

"still go to church" I asked

"no" he replyed

"neither do i,. I .D.O.N.T .B.E.L.I.E.V.E in that no more"

and we laughed

i climbed into bed sometime around six am - heart beating like a dog pants in the summer and the sweat dripping off me, I recalled what I had said to the lad on the stairs.... For the first time I had denyed him... For the first time in my life I had denyied his existance. I broke down in tears and a wept bitterly... "he will never have me back now" I concluded as far as I was concerned I had dug my grave, jumped in and burried myself

the thought of going to hell never even passed my mind all I knew was I had failed jesus and there was no way back!

If you have seen mel gibsons the passion of the christ - the part I always break down at is peters denial. That is why I took st peter as my saints name for confirmation

the realisation of how "sad" this little make believe world created by the media...And other means of social manipulation was starting to have an effect on me... I slowed down on the use of party drugs to an almost stop and going out so much. I dropped the music and I was looking for a new scean..

I found a new home in the old hippy type scean,,,, I started using marjauana and listening to jefferson airplane, the doors, pink floyed, and of course the legendery bob dylan. My friends who at the same left college and went to university ( I never went) began getting into the student scene which in the uk is very similar to the old hippy scene/ and a couple of cross over bands like the doors and rolling stones beatles and dylan ..So we were headed in the same sort of scene... Expcet they had oasis and blur and the stereophonics and the newer "indie" music and I listened to stuff like buffelo springfeild and fraternity of man

i never used majaruna on a regular basis just on the odd occasion.

One thing that sticks out in my mind about what I call "my wilderness period" is the sense of loss of home, a loss of self and a loss of meaning. In so many ways my friends would look back and say it was the best time of our lives.... You know what... It was the most depresing time of mine... I had gone off on one... I took my mates with me and they loved it and i... I was just turnning deeper and deeper into nothingness.... A meaningless world.

I was out in the wilderness for about a year and a half... I was lucky I made it back.... Jesus found me "i will leave the 99 sheep and look for the one that is missing!"

i went to bed one night a lost sheep the next morning I was found...

I dreamt I was in a friends back garden talking to two of my friends when I heard a strange sound... I looked up and at the top of the garden was a man singing or humming what sounded like hyms. I thought it may have been my father so I went to walk up and ask him what he was doing.

When I was in the middle of the lawn a huge wind I mean an incredibly strong wind started blowing and no matter how I tried I couldnt get any further.. I suddenly had a overwhelming feeling of peace and I opened my arms to allow myself to feel this incredible power... I stood arms outstreached face upto the sky... Eyes closed...With this absolutly undescribable feeling of what I can only call peace.

I opened my eyes and I began to be lifted off the ground.. Higher and higher and higher up above the roof tops, above the clouds further and further until I reached place of what I can only call "a great height" and I was on all fours on an invisible floor... It was black like space but below I could see the streets and houses, cars and people.

I noticed every person had a black cloke on like a shadow.... And I cried out lord have mercy on them for they are shrouded in sin just after this I felt a presance behind me, I slowly and trembleingly turned around still on all fours...

I turnned and saw a pair of feet and a white cloke... His light eluminated the darkness and I noticed my own black cloke and my own shadow, I fell flatt on my face tears streaming down my face "lord have mercy on me for I too am shrouded in sin" and I notice my tears falling on his feet and I didnt want my impurity to touch him so I wiped my tears from his feet using my sleeve.

This worry slowed my tears to quiet sobbing as I tried to prevent any more touching his feet . But then something totally unexpected happend I felt something on my head, it felt like a hand and an amazing feeling of being loved came over me and with it the powerfull feeling of redemption and forgiveness, my tears of sadness turnned to tears of joy...

I never saw his face I dare not look up.... But I woke up with tears running down my cheeks and the tears continued for some minutes after... Tears of joy.....I dare say I know whos face I would have seen if I had looked up.

The dream tells its own story.... The father singing hyms that I couldnt "come to" the holy spirit that is the wind... I had to submit to, and the son... The one I had to repent to.... I had left behind my friends and came to him.

I returned to church the following weekend.... Actually it must be about 5 years ago this coming weekend and confessed my sins... The priest told me I had been far to hard on myslef he said remember "its not what a man puts into his body... Its what he puts out"

a few months later I opened myself upto the lord... I said

"this body is your body, this life is your life... I submit my entrie being to do your will.... I am your tool to use whenever and however you want"

its been rather hard on my friends - turning from one big party animal to a die hard christian..

They thought I had pushed myself too far and was going insain.... Poor lads they had to suffer my religious rambleings after my conversion,,,,,

"whats happened to the real "izzy"... The one that went to ibiza he was happy and normal?" they will still now ask me now.

I was still using marjuana, instead of using it for the purpose of listening to songs and expanding my mind about the effects of drugs and so on (i recomend white rabbit" jefferson airplane) I stumbled into a new use... Lying in bed I began to think about christ and mediting on him, many deep understandings have come this way and I remember making some huge realisations about christ and scripture that I had forgot the next morning.... I know it sounds stupid but its like jesus spoke to me and reveled things to my heart through my head and then made me forget them so I can only love him more and not turn him into a philosophical debate with myself.

One revelation that stands out is I was meditating on the crucifixion I think I was sober, I am pretty sure I was sober cos I remember so clearly

i thought to myself "boy that must have been really painfull why did he choose to die that way.. Oh how very painfull" and I was concentrating on the pain and I said and actually spoke it out into the empty room "lord it must have been so painfull" and in an instant I heard like a voice from within me "not as much as sin hurts me" at which I realised he choose to die the most painfull way possible to show the world not only how much he loved us but as a way to show our tiny incomprehesible minds how much sin pains him.

I then realised how much I hurt him and again I was pretty unconsolable.. Of course I always check out my personal revelations with the church st paul says "test everything" to make sure it is what you think.

Well I took this revelation to my priest at which he said christ no longer feels pain at which I felt a little lost about... It seemed to be true and it was a very profund realisation... Of course I dismissed it as my own mind but still thought about it....

Sometime later I was watching ewtn (eternal word televison netwrok) a roman catholic .T.V channel when I heard a story from of a saint who had visitations from christ and she had talked to him about the crucifixion and his pain and he had said "it was nothing compaired to the pain of sin and the crucifixion was all worthwhile if only one sinner loved him"

well it was like a moment of great joy and sadness for I remembered how I had hurt him through sin but here he was now like he was telling me directly he would climb on that cross again just for me a sinner who loves him!

Well since I returned and give myself to christ... I have begun a journey of discernement... I am trying to find out where christ wants to use me....I have a strong feeling its in or to do with the pro life movement somehow.

I went to join the priesthood... I was one month away from joining the semianry when both the priest and myself decided now was not the right time... He told me to keep in touch (i have not) and go back for formation in 2 years (its been 4 years and I am still not ready but I dont rule it out in the future) I got confirmed in the holy spirit at pentecost 2002 taking the name peter as I said... It was an amazing day. And then later that year I was commisioned by the bishop to be a special minister.. Which I recently decided the eucharist to precious to touch.

The darkness of the abyss is a dreadfull place where you learn all manor of bad things about yourself but its also a place of redemption and mercy and joy when the light of christ expells the darkness... So if any of you have had an abortion by accepting the pain of your own sins and uniting them to the crucified lord, you will find redemption, mercy and joy even in your weaknesses and past sins... Some say christianity is all about guilt....They are wrong its all about redemption

i guess thats it, sorry for boring you!

I know I have left myself open to ridicule, jokes, jibes, mocking etc but I feel it is more important to give glory to god for what he has done for me and what he can do for you and if neccisary suffer because of it than remain quiet