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hunterjumper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Dec 2005
Posts: 203
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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Best Friend Is a Bad Mother... :-/
Posted: 03-24-06 16:36pm
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My best friend of going on 8 years is not
pulling her weight being a mother and I
don't know what the hell to do.
She's like a sister to me and I don't want
to be a know-it-all but I worry too.
Her baby is only a couple weeks old and
she's falling apart. She leaves him to
cry it out for over an hour on a regular
basis. She lies about changing his
diaper and feeding him. She told her
hubby she did both this morning and then
he checked the baby an hour later it was
obvious she hadn't done either. She goes
hysterical and cries and screams in the
bathroom. She grabbed a knife, says she
wasn't going to use it, but with a history
if self-injuring for attention...Hubby and
I both know she likely would have.
Her hubby works and goes to school
full-time so he's very busy and now he's
basically trying to do 90% of the child
raising as well because she just decided
she needs at least 6 hours a night and
won't get up with her baby. So he has to
even though she can nap during the day and
he can't because he's at school.
I talk to them both and I don't want to
stir s**t up but we're all frustrated and
tired of this. She chose to get
pregnant, she wanted this baby, but now
she doesn't want to do the work involved
and dumps most of it on other people.
What would you do? Say something?
What? :? :cry: she's refused to get
treatement for her emotional problems all
her life, so even though I think she has
ppd...She won't admit it or get treatement
for it even if she does. She won't talk
to her dr or anything. Acts like she's
just venting a little when she grabs
knives to get attention from her hubby and
crap...
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Rodge
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Posts: 905
Location: , England, UK
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
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Posted: 03-24-06 16:43pm
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Call social services? There's not really
much you can do, other than talking to her
about it.
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hunterjumper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Dec 2005
Posts: 203
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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Posted: 03-24-06 16:55pm
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| rodge
wrote: | | call social services?
There's not really much you can do, other
than talking to her about
it. |
i thought about it but I doubt they'd do
anything. She is still (mostly) looking
after him and her hubby is doing a lot of
the work. I also don't want to do that to
her hubby because he didn't do anything to
deserve it, he's trying his best.
I've tried talking to her, reassuring her
that she's doing a good job and that it
gets better but it doesn't seem to have
worked. I don't know whether to try and
just be more...health forum or what.
Thanks though.
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Lalee
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2006
Posts: 991
Location: South Carolina
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Posted: 03-24-06 16:57pm
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Actually, they could probably do more than
you think. Counseling, programs, etc.
They won't just come in and snatch the
kid. And it sounds to me like she could
benefit by some counseling... It sure
wouldn't hurt, at least.
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diamondsz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2005
Posts: 3173
Location: , Candyland-Canada
Thanks: 73
Thanked:104
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Posted: 03-24-06 17:28pm
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In her case they may take the kid the way
cause the mother would be deemed unfit and
the father would have to be at her side
24/7 in order for her to be watching th
child. Unfortunatly dad cant afford to
lose out on all his life because both
chose to have a child this is almost a
lose-lose sitiuation here some ideas
though hunter...
~get a family member to help out~
~down here they have helpers who can come
in everyday or weekly at no cost or little
depending on the persons income!
~get her hubby to sit down and get in her
face(have a good conversation) give her an
ultimatum(as in she get help or he will
take off with the child) just an example
(there is so much more help available to a
single parent!
~it is an offense in ontarios and quebec(i
dont know about the other provinces but I
could find out) to injure yourself or try
and commit suicide it could result in
hospitalization/jail time
~worst case call social service. It
would be better to get the father to call
so he can explain the sitiuation, if
anything happens to that baby and (you or
him didnt report what she was doing) you
can actually be held resposible for her
death in a court
good luck just keep drilling in her head
what she is doing wrong without overdoing
it but make sure you guys praise her when
she is doing something right, when someone
is in that state of mind it is almost as
if they are a child themselve and the mind
becomes fragile.
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DaliciaLynn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Jul 2005
Posts: 2322
Location: Missouri
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Posted: 03-24-06 17:57pm
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| hunterjumper
wrote: | | rodge
wrote: | | call social services?
There's not really much you can do, other
than talking to her about
it. |
i thought about it but I doubt they'd do
anything. She is still (mostly) looking
after him and her hubby is doing a lot of
the work. I also don't want to do that
to her hubby because he didn't do anything
to deserve it, he's trying his best.
I've tried talking to her, reassuring her
that she's doing a good job and that it
gets better but it doesn't seem to have
worked. I don't know whether to try and
just be more...Health questiony or what.
Thanks though. |
to be honest..If you're that concerned
about her you'd call social services,
especially for the babies sake.
It's pretty sad that we have people on
earth like this, doing it ridiculous..
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 03-27-06 16:20pm
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Call .H.R.S. On her. When it comes to a
baby there is no looking over the fact
that it's being ignored or not taken care
of.
If you really cared about the baby, the
baby not her, then you would call. Once
involved they can't over look a complaint
and have to follow thru. If she gets ppd
bad enough she may take that knife to the
baby. You need to think of that.
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AlliE_18
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2129
Location: uk
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Posted: 03-27-06 16:51pm
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How can she let her baby cry for an hour?
Whenever my son cries im right there
picking him up comforting him, it upsets
me when he cries I could never leave him
in that state...Poor thing. And not
feeding/changing him when it needs to be
done is neglect. If I saw that happening
i'd speak confidentially with social
services to see what help they can offer,
or if they would want to pay her a
surprise visit. She doesnt deserve to be
a mother, and that baby doesnt deserve to
be treated like that! =/
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hunterjumper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Dec 2005
Posts: 203
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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Posted: 03-27-06 17:25pm
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| allie_18
wrote: | | how can she let her baby cry
for an hour? Whenever my son cries im
right there picking him up comforting him,
it upsets me when he cries I could never
leave him in that state...Poor thing.
And not feeding/changing him when it needs
to be done is neglect. If I saw that
happening i'd speak confidentially with
social services to see what help they can
offer, or if they would want to pay her a
surprise visit. She doesnt deserve to be
a mother, and that baby doesnt deserve to
be treated like that!
=/ |
no she really doesn't. And honestly, I
wonder if...Now that she's experienced it
for a couple weeks....Still really *wants*
to be a mother. Because it's certainly
not nearly what she expected.
But of course, like most people, i'm sadly
willing to be lenient because well...She's
my friend and because her husband is there
doing an awesome job and he doesn't
deserve to have cps/ss called on him
because he's not the one screwing up.
The baby is fine and it seems that the
lying thing was a one-time thing and
hopefully she's getting her s**t straight.
I've really just backed off. It's not my
family or my problem and trying to get
involved is just driving me nuts.
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DaliciaLynn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Jul 2005
Posts: 2322
Location: Missouri
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Posted: 03-27-06 17:30pm
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| allie_18
wrote: | | how can she let her baby cry
for an hour? Whenever my son cries im
right there picking him up comforting him,
it upsets me when he cries I could never
leave him in that state...Poor thing.
And not feeding/changing him when it needs
to be done is neglect. If I saw that
happening i'd speak confidentially with
social services to see what help they can
offer, or if they would want to pay her a
surprise visit. She doesnt deserve to be
a mother, and that baby doesnt deserve to
be treated like that!
=/ |
i feel ya...When my son cries with a tummy
pain I cry too, makes me feel awful seeing
him hurting.
She has to be mentally messed up..
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 03-27-06 17:33pm
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Just because it's not your problem or
family think about the little guy. Poor
little guy didn't ask to be brought here
and be ignored. You need to think of
that. If the husband is doing a good job
then maybe he needs to leave her and do a
good job without her. I hate to say it
but it could be a pattern on her part and
if she is depressed enough, the child is
going to suffer...Apparently like he
already is. I hate to think about that
little baby being hungry, and crying
telling his mom that he is hungry and she
is just letting him cry. I dont' get it,
how can you just overlook the health of
that baby?
I don't know...I don't know the situation,
but my mom and dad were foster
parents....I saw what mothers with ppd did
to their babies just because they were
tired, or upset, or just didn't care. My
own mother left me and my sister stranded
at 1.5 years and 6 months just because she
didnt' want to be a 'mother' anymore. If
someone witnessing this didn't call hrs on
her we may have died. You never
know....Just dont' turn a deaf ear to the
baby's cries.
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AlliE_18
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2129
Location: uk
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Posted: 03-27-06 17:36pm
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It's a tough call hunter. I was in a
similar situation as you with my
neighbours, I wanted to talk to social
services about it but I was scared to
incase I got in trouble for it by the guy
finding out. So I backed off and left it
to the other neighbours to call...Hoping
they would, I know that sounds crappy but
I was living here alone and they all got
partners and they're much older. I felt
bad for the kids though. One time I
called the cops on them because I saw
stuff going on, and the next day the guy
was at my door looking for the person who
called the cops, guess I was right to be
afraid of that happening. Anyway last
year social services finally took all
their kids off them, which was a good
thing!
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HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 8004
Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
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Posted: 03-27-06 19:33pm
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Gz that sounds scary, I don't know how
people could do things like hit their
kids, what do they get out of it?
And just the same, men who hit their wives
is such bulls*it. Do they think it makes
them bigger men because of it? I'm
sensitive on this situation, i'd like to
kill all the abusive people in the world
:p
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AlliE_18
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2129
Location: uk
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Posted: 03-27-06 19:41pm
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You can start with my neighbours hco
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neeko177
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 427
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Posted: 03-27-06 19:43pm
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I was in a situation like that.. My best
friend had moved in with her other best
friend, who was also a friend of mine and
much older than us and had 2 kids.. One
already tooken away by child services cuz
of behavioural probs and the youngest one
left in the home.. Well this lady
depended on us to watch her kids.. We got
paid at first.. And we'd babysit everyday
one of us while she went out to her
boyfriends or sumthing.. Overnite and
everything.. And sumtimes for a week at a
time.. And we were only like 14 maybe at
that time.. Then when my friend moved in,
it became like they were her kids.. The
mother still wasnt there and depened on my
friend.. Who ended up dropping outta high
school etc to watch this kid.. Its a long
story.. But basicly she ended up acting
and thinking she was the mother of this
child.. And started being very mean to
them...Disiplining them in ways I never
would.. I remember going to the mall with
her and the kids... She went to get ice
cream.. And cookies.. Only for herself
(kids being 3 and 5) and told them they
were too bad of kids they dont deserve
anything etc.. But they were being really
good that day.. And I think its just mean
to get ice cream infronta such young kids
and not give them any just to be a b****
lol.. I bought em sumthing.. And
actually did end up calling child
services, the same day I called so did
another lady...
The 3 year old was wonderin around the
streets by himself while my friend was
asleep... He was looking for his mom he
said.. Some lady brought him home, woke
her up, and obvioulsy called herself too
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HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 8004
Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
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Posted: 03-27-06 19:46pm
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Haha we're all gonna get together and have
a big slaughter party :wink:
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hopefulmjz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Mar 2005
Posts: 4777
Location: , USA
Thanks: 3
Thanked:11
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Posted: 03-27-06 20:44pm
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Hey, wait for the slaughtering....You
can't start without me. Let me recover
from my c-section so I can karate chop
some nuts off!
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HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 8004
Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
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Posted: 03-27-06 20:48pm
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Haha k, let us know when you're ready :p
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hunterjumper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Dec 2005
Posts: 203
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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Posted: 03-28-06 00:22am
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My friend *is* mentally unstable. She had
a terrible upbringing with mentally ill
parents who did nothing but fight with
each other and try to upstage each other's
drama...So of course she's repeating this
pattern and causing drama. And she won't
seek help because that would mean
admitting she has a problem and taking
responsibility for it, neither of which
she's ever done in the almost 8 years
we've been friends.
It's not a good situation and i'm
certainly not turning a deaf ear to the
baby's cries. Her husband has been
talking to her and making her realize that
she needs to get her s**t straight. And I
think it's working a bit. And i'm talking
to them both and trying to help still. I
just realize that I can't hover over them
24/7 making sure she does everything
right. I've almost tried and it's driven
me nuts and I could barely sleep or eat I
was so worried. I have my own child and
life to look after and she has to figure
this out on her own sooner or later.
It's still early in the game and I doubt
she's even come down from the adrenaline
or anything. I think with patience and
forgiveness...Because as terrible as it
is...One dirty diaper that's on a couple
hours too long isn't going to be
fatal....She can get past this.
Thank you for all your comments though.
Obviously if this becomes worse, I will
step in but right now I think they can
still figure this out and make it work.
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