So Much Has Happened...

First of all, thanks to everyone who replied to my post last friday about me taking in my beautiful niece- and to brunette for the pm's.

Sadly, I didn't get a chance to read most of them untill this morning you will understand why shortly.

Friday afternoon, I strated bleeding, but no pain. Bright red blood, so I called the maternity department of the hospital (the midwives are always happy to answer questions etc.)
they thought it might be worth comming in and at least having an ultrasound.
I waited an hour 'till my husband got home from work - by which time I was having terrible cramps and my mum had already come to look after the kids.
We went straight in, and I knew I was miscarrying the babies, they did an ultrasound anyway and they actually found a third little sac, inside of which, was just a "yolk" the third baby had not developed properly. There had been an internal bleed, my body had finally started trying to expell the abnormal foetus, and the stress had been too much for the two healthy babies (both girls). After an hour and a half of "labour" only one baby had come out -fully developed and about the size of the palm of my hand (they asked if I wanted to see her, but I decided not to) but the placenta was still inside, along with the other twin, and another placenta. The pain was just getting too much for me, so they decided they would put me under, and do surgery to deliver the other twin, and both placentas.
When I woke, I found out that I had started haemorrhaging, and lost so much blood that I had started going into shock. They had to do a transfusion, and when they couldn't stop the bleeding- they had to remove my uterus.
They kept me in hospital that night, and the following night- on sunday I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my own home, with my children. I was also afraid of jemma being taken away. There was alot of talk about me not making a decision about her at such a time, and how I should not have the extra stress.
But, after the time I had in the hospital - with nothiing much to do but think, I had come to the conclusion that I am meant to have her.
The first time I saw her, I was so jealous that she belonged to my sister in law, and not me. At the time I put it down to the fact that we were trying to have a baby at the time, but even after I found out I was pregnant, i'd find myself thinking about her, and the way she smells when you hold her to your face, the warmth and softness of her, her pudgy little hands with dimples instead of knuckles. I used to always take her out when I was looking after her, so I could show her off to people and let them think she was mine.
And while i'm sad for the babies I have lost, I can't find it possible to be completely heartbroken, because there's a part of my heat that is soo filled with delight that I can really have little jemmy-pops forever, and hold her im my arms whenever I want- and not just pretend she's mine.
I feel a connection and love with her that I hadn't had a chance to develop yet with the babies I was carrying- I feel a bit guilty about that too- I feel bad that I didn't feel happier about there being twins- I regret that I was mostly just worried about it - like maybe I lost them because I wasn't grateful enough to have them. I still hadn't completely come to terms with the fact that there was going to be two of them- there was a sense of unreality about it. I feel like I kind of knew what was going to happen- although it sounds crazy. And maybe it hasn't really hit me yet, the miscarriage, and the fact that I can never have another baby, but I really do feel very peacefull about it. The only thing i'm certain of, is that I will not be letting jemma go. As soon as it is possible, i'll arrange formal adoption with her mother.
I'm not even willing to give her up for the 6 weeks they tell me it will take to recover. I've barely let her out of my arms since I came home yesterday evening. She slept next to me in my bed last night. Somehow, she even eases the physical pain.
She's my miracle baby.

It will probably be a couple of days 'till i'm back on the computer again. I've already been sitting here too long- i'm supposed to lie down as much as possible- just felt I owed it to the people who really cared about my situation- even though I am a complete stranger and have done very little except post smartass replys and jokes on the forum- to reply to the kind and supportive words they provided.

Thanks for everything- i'll be in touch as much as I can- for those of you who have had c-sections, they tell me the recovery is pretty simular, so you'll know what i'm experiencing physically.

"talk" to you soon.

Michelle