Can Abusers Change?

Theoretically, yes, it is possible for an abuser to change but is it likely? Hell no!

It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors. It’s like child molesters…they can’t change because it is how their brains were hardwired…

something happened to your x/husband as a child that both made him consciously and unconsciously believe that that is the proper way to behave.

It can be beaten into him that it is “bad” but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals.

I guess that it also depends on how he is abusive.

If he hits you then it is anger issues that need to be dealt with.

If he controls your every move/thought then it is dependency issues to be dealt with.

If he is emotionally/mentally abusive then it is a self-esteem issues and codependency issues that needs to be dealt with.

If it is substance abuse then he probably has a little bit of all of the above.

All of it requires that he willingly accept that what he is doing is wrong and needs to be corrected then start therapy, in one form or another, to start finding out what happened to him to make him behave/think like that.

I am a very empathic person and, for some reason I don’t understand, inspire trust that leads to everyone I meet telling me their whole life stories so I have had experience with all of the above. I, personally, had to escape a horrible codependent relationship and was horrible mentally/emotionally abused and raped by my x.

Listen/call into love line 1.800.Love.191 (1.800.568.3191) and get Dr. Drew’s advice on the situation. You can learn a lot by listening to other people’s stories and the recommendations of professionals.

Anybody can change. Anybody! But words arent really enough. Dont end up taking him back and wind up missing... Sorry but it happens. If you really love him and im sure you do hes your husband and father of your child then go to therapy, have him go to anger mangement things like that. Im always an optimist. I mean there is good in everybody, even him, or you wouldnt have married him.
Good luck

I NEED SOME ADVICE PLEASE. I DON'T MEAN TO DISH OUT ALL MY BUSINESS BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO BECAUSE MY MOM NOT AROUND DUE TO HEALTH REASONS. SO HERE GO I BEEN MARRIED FOR A LITTLE OVER 2 1/2 YEARS. i BEEN WITH HIM FOR 5 YRS. ALL TOGETHER. RECENTLY HE BEEN STRESSED OUT FROM HIS JOB. HE GOT PHYSICAL TOWARDS ME. jUST THE OTHER DAY i recieve BAD NEWS ABOUT MY MOTHER HEALTH conDtion GOT WORST AND ME HAVING panic ATTACKS DISORDER.
. MY HUSBAND CAME HOME FROM WORK AND I SAY A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT GOT TO ME THAT DAY and he FLIP OUT AND GOT PRETTY HOT TEMPER. i TRY TO WALK AWAY BUT HE GOT EVEN MADDER THEN HE GOT PHYSICAL REALLY PHYSICAL THROW ME AROUND AND GRABBING ME HARD. i WAS SCARE, ANGRY, YELLING AND CRYING TO STOP TO LEAVE ME A LONE. hE KEPT SAYING THAT IT MY FAULT AND I SHOULD KNOW NOT TO PUSH HES BUTTONS HE MOTHER WHOM LIVES WITH US SAY THE SAME THING THAT I hassel HIM ALL THE TIME AND I SHOULD JUST GET OFF HIS CASE. i AM SCARE AND AFRAID THE HE WANTS ME OUT OF HIS LIFE. i LOVE HIM AND WANT TO WORK THIS OUT BUT HOW AND WHERE TO GO . I afarid IF I LEAVE HE WON'T GIVE ME MY SON. hE SAY STUFF LIKE I CAN HAVE YOU LOCKUP FOR BEING CRAZY. iS IT ALL MY FAULT I KNOW I CAN DRIVE HIM CRAZY SOMETIMES. i CAN LIKE MOST PEOPLE GET health forum. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE WHAT TO DO beacause WHEN I AM AROUND HIM IT LIKE WALKING A EGGSHEELS. nOONE SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I WANT TO GET HIM IN TO GOING TO ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES HE THINK HE DON'T NEED IT THAT I DO INSTEAD. HELP WITH ADVICE WOULD BE GOOD THANK FOR LISTENING.

i think it's time for you and you child to leave. i am a recovering abuser and can tell you he will not change as long as he blames you for his problem. that's right, his problem. i know you love him but he will not change and cannot change until he sees it the way things really are. you are not to blame, no matter what his mother and he says. people are responsible for their own actions. you cannot make a person act a certain way. it is a choice. check on-line and i'm sure you will find a support group or organization that will help you and your child leave. you need to be safe and so does your child. you don't have to end your relationship, just get away before you are hurt. if he is willing to change he will accept responsibility for his own actions and stop blaming you.
best of luck to you

THANK FOR YOUR ADVICE MY HUSBAND AGREE TO GET HELP AND FINALLY ADMIT HE IS TO BLAME. WE CAN ONLY TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME BUT ANYMORE FIGTHING AND I AM LEAVING HIM BEFORE THINGS GET ANY WORSE. SO THANKS FOR YOUR HELP AND UNDERSTANDING . THANKS AGAIN

i'm glad i was able to help. that's why i'm here. one day at a day is all anyone can expect. this is going to take time. please don't give it a time frame. it can take weeks or months for change. don't be fooled by the "cycle". he may slip once in awhile, but if he is serious about change he should apologize and accept blame and move on. don't let your guard down.
best of luck and best wishes.
remember, i am here to help and will talk anytime.

Hello there

Well.. I think- it depends on the severity, and the type of abuser he/she is. Usually.. addications are the worst. They will have to want the help. There's really nothing you can do except get an interventation with someone he or she will listen to [mom, dad, grandparent, etc.]

Physical abuser... I think anyone guy or girl that falls into this category- is very weak and pathdeic. There are many other ways you can take your frustrations out.. and hitting an innocent person, is not one of them. That's why god made weapons So people that get abused have the right to use them! That, or against people that just plain diserve it [jk.]

I would have to say...even though at first I did not believe it.. until it happened to myself. Verbal is just as bad as the above two.. if not- worse. I am still trying to fix myself. I suggest therapist... if not- a local woman's clinic. Verbal abusers... are big time in denial.. even when you explain to them where they are wrong...they will simply never get it. They have been raise to know nothing more than this type of behavior. You can try to point it out to them.. but it won't make a difference..in their eyes, this is normal to them, and *you* are the outsider. Ever see the movie, "GasLight"? [ old- 1945 - 1950 ] They have it at Borders. Very good, black and white classic. This is one of the only movies like this, made- period. It is a *great* example of a verbal abuser. It's hard, because this type of abuse is not heavily talked about. But- they do have books on this topic, as well. I was surprised myself!

I hope, you get out of your bad situation.. and just like the abuser...you have to be the one to know when enough is enough. If this is a life threatening sitauation...I *highly* advise to get out now. *He* has to want to be better, and *he* has got to make the first move... this should never rest all upon the shoulders of you!

I'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on- good luck to you- and if you want, I would love to beat his (_)_) for you!!!

-=Red Hots=-