Schizophrenia Forum - Half Schitzofrenic Half Just Plane Weird.

Heres my story which lead me into a deap thinking process to where I am and where im going in life.

I always wanted to smoke weed, I thought it was cool, chicks looked up pot heads I could walk around like a derro not giving a !@#^ but things turned ugly.

I was 15 when I started and I got into it for the wrong reasons, basically because I wanted to be someone I wasnt. I knew that at the time but as I progressed I met some guys who I thought were like me, I started smoking weed more and more as I didnt see anything wrong with it and then after about a year all these wierd things started happening. It was like I was being copied but in a way to tell me something but I didnt know what. I was a follower no doubt, I needed my friends, whenever I was in fights, breaking into cars, getting drunk at partys my friends were there to back me up. Then later I started thinking who am i, people are becoming more like me and its getting freaky because I have nothing left to benefit myself from others. The problem started here... I was very stoned and people would say things that made me think twice, then I thought someone was !@#^ing with my thought patterns, its like whatever I said wasnt good enough and I was ridiculed but in a way to kill my self esteem, it was like a cloud rising over me until I couldnt do anything but listen to what people had to say. It got so intense one session that I blacked out, apparently my face had turned blue, but after waking up I felt much more relaxed as if my stress levels had just disolved, I didnt care as much about what other people thought of me. Another session we walked up to these group of people and I heard them talking but in a wierd way, something I couldnt explain, I thought I was a !@#^ing retard or different or wierd, I was tripping out went for a walk and this incredibaly loud ringing noise overwhelmed my senses and I almost blacked out again. The thing is I could only understand people when I was stoned, when I was straight it was just normal life until I started investigating the difference between when I was stoned and when I was straight. Then when I would question my mates about these things I was labeled gay, so its like against the rules of society to talk about this 'thing' so I covered it up trying to learn what I can do and cant now all these rules run my fkng life.

I stopped the weed after that it got too freaky and after ditching my family for almost 5 years I returned back to them and had no motivation, no social skills, didnt know if people were talking to me or about me. I was put on anti depressant medication but that doesnt seem to be the problem although I was depressed. Now I seem fine but its like ive memorised a method to speak to myself and to other people and the only time I can feel what I say is when im so frustrated without being able to connect with my heart because it feels like theres plastic wrapped around a steal ballbearing and I cant get any deaper within myself.

My understanding of the issue is that I was on a different level of consciousness when I was high and could understand the world through a more patient level. And today ive returned back to my normal level but have a long mission to get back to the level I was when I was stoned. Its like ive seen the future and am trapped between two universes. It is a !@#^ing nightmare I swear. Ive been to phsycologist, general gp, hypnotherapist they say im just feeling what its like to come off weed but I dont think thats the truth. I think it will just take time but im unsure but I cant seem to get to the root of my thoughts although when I goto bed and just not think about anything its like other peoples voices start talking and takeover my thoughts, its like a consistant flow of freedom without any force from myself.

Has anybody got any answers?