Depression Forum - Introduction, And Dysthymia

Hello, first time poster. I suspect i'm dysthymic. When I was a young child, my parents said I was extremely outgoing. Then something changed and I became sullen and withdrawn. I recall no trauma, but the change happened. Due to my massive insecurities I became mentally abusive to my younger siblings. I have put effort into repairing those relationships, and it has paid off to a degree. I had thoughts of harming myself even when I was a young child, which intensified as I entered my teens, but I never came up with concrete plans for acting on those thoughts. I would never entertain those ideas now, but if someone told me my life would end next week I wouldn't be particularly bothered by it.

I'm in my mid-30s now and have sort of fought through it, but every time I draw myself to something resembling happiness I slip back into the abyss. I had a very high iq as a child but even though I had a few friends I always felt on the outside looking in. It took a long time but I did acquire a modicum of street smarts, but along with that came a (too) healthy sense of skepticism.

I just went into business for myself in a job that requires door-to-door sales. I thought it would be the final piece of the puzzle in developing a more outgoing personality, but instead I find myself paralyzed by inaction. I'm unable to connect with potential clients to the point i'm afraid to go in their businesses anymore. I am a very talented person but I can't find what I need to do to achieve some sort of peace in life, and I lack the motivation to find that peace. It's quite irrational. I know the steps to improvement but cannot seem to translate those into action in my life.

I feel like my emotional baseline is at a lower level than others so the lows are especially painful. I have tried to block out emotions so I don't hit those low lows, but it backfires in the end. I'd like to be outgoing enough to connect with people, but I stand there frozen, watching life go by. I tell myself to snap out of it, but my irrational emotional side blocks me from doing so.

Seeking treatment was something I should have done when I had a job with health insurance. Ever since I was young I was extremely hard on myself. I'm getting better at coping, but just when things appear to be on track the monster jumps out of the closet again.

Thanks for reading this rambling post. Several years ago when I told a good friend and my parents that I thought I had depression, they downplayed it saying that if I were depressed i'd be in my bed all day. I never brought it up to them since. Since I can't afford a therapist I needed to vent somewhere.