Deciding Whether to Divorce..sorry This Is So Long

Where to begin? Obviously, at the beginning i'd like to state that although I am complaining about his actions, I know I too am to blame. I let myself get angry, pushing him away, picking fights..It's me, too. But I feel like I have been trying.

We have been together since I was 15, and he was 19. I needed him badly when we first got together. Mom and dad were in a bad spot, and I was taking care of everything in my home life. I loved him, and still do, on some level. But..


I'm 22 years old, and have been married for nearly two years. Two very unhappy years, I might add. Immediatly after we got married, he lost his job, and sat on his bum for six months before finding another. During this time, I had to use my credit cards to pay all of our bills, putting us in horrible debt.

He hated his new job, wouldn't quit whinging about it. Annoying enough, but he constantly told me how his job was harder than mine, and how he deserved the computer time, etc, because of this. I worked full time (36 hours a week) and went to school full time. Yet, he works harder than me.

Flash forward a half a year, we have been fighting all the time and can barely pay the bills, but he insists on spending money like it's water. We fight some more, and start looking for a new, cheaper place to live. I'm not happy, and his dad passes away. His mother offers us the upstairs 'apartment' of her house to help us get back on our feet. I don't want to accept, but she is having money trouble his dad died. So we do, because he feels like it's necessary.


Flash forward six months again, and I am miserable. He can't clean up after himself, all we do is fight, and I never want to come home. To make is worse, his mother blames me for the mess that he can't pick up, and slowly comes to really resent me. His sister gets involved and calls and leaves me a nasty message on my voicemail. I'm done at this point, but in abour a year we're moving so that I can go to a new university that gave me a scholarship. My life outside of home is good, I have great friends, etc. I spend friday night with my girls, he goes out with his boys. Saturday is supposed to be 'our night' but he spends it on the computer playing wow (world of warcraft).

Well, october comes around and he tells me he can't handle his job and wants to move before january. I make it happen. We move, and I begin school. The first week was okay, but then he started up with all the crap again. The computer all the time, no sex, bickering and both of us picking fights. He sits on his bum again, and won't go look for a job. A few apps here and there, but he won't actively search. I, on the other hand, am already going to school full time, working, and doing all the unpacking by myself. When we fight, the throws moving up here in my face, when I wanted to wait until may.

I'm done and I tell him this. I tell him I need a husband, not a son. I want him to help me around the house, little things like remembering to take out the trash, filling the cat dishes if they're empty so they don't starve while i'm gone all day, helping me mow the lawn and pick up his trash. I don't want him to do everything. I want a husband who listens to me rather than zoning out when i'm speaking. I want a husband who will go out with me once in awhile, and have fun.


It's now been 3 months, and nothing has changed. I almost kicked him out, but he used what he knows of me to make me feel guilty. He is happy (most of the time), but i'm not. I'm depressed, anxious, and fed up. I've tried talking to him, to convince him to go to counseling with me (he refuses). I've tried being nice and sweet and loving. I've tried acting angry and fed up. Nothing works. He doesn't take care of himself at all, and I think he really wants a mom, not a wife. (his mom was like that for his dad, i've found out since we got married. She did all the work while he just did his job and mowed the lawn. They were happy like that. I won't be).


I've decided I want to pursue a master's degree in the future, and a ph.D, perhaps. He won't be happy with this. We've discussed a trip to france next summer with my school, because i'm a french minor and really should go. He said okay, but he was angry about it. He resents my schooling, because he wants to be in school, but dropped out saying that he couldn't work full time and go to school at the same time. I bust my ass, and he complains. I've tried to get him to go back, even if its one class at a time, but yet again, he refuses to try.


I'm done. Frustrated. Upset and angry. And I don't know what to do. Moneywise, I rely on him. I can't afford to live by myself, and all the debt is in my name because i've had to be the one to set everything up. We have over 1000.00 in a cell phone debt in my name because I couldn't pay the bill because he wasn't working. I've joined a debt consolidation program, which will help with most of the debt. This is in my name too.

If we split, i'm terrified I won't make it. I'm scared of beign alone, but at the same time, feel that is what I need. I don't even know myself, except by definition of him. It's unsettling.


I've changed remarkably since I was 15. He was, and still is, in love with the girl that needed him so badly. But, I am not that same little girl. I am a mature, responsible individual who needs a partner, not a protector.


So..Can anyone give me any advice?! Counseling, seperation, divorce? Talking to him again, perhaps saying something different? I tried for nearly a year to put off this feeling, and I can't anymore. I'm miserable, and sick of being so.