Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 27 Location: San Fransisco Bay Area
I Love Him, But He's Driving Me Nuts!!!!!!! Posted: 06-04-06 20:53pm
Hey guys,
well, i've seen a couple of stories on
here about men who lost their wives
because they didn't treat her right. I
shook my head when I realized that these
men were dumped for the same things my
husband does to me!
We are newly weds, we lived together for 2
years before we got married. I make
money from home, online. I cook, do the
grocery shopping, keep the house clean, do
all the laundry..... Hubby manages a
resturaunt. He works 12 hours a day
(11am-11pm). I don't complain because I
realize that it is necessary. All I ask
is that when he comes home, we enjoy
quality time together.
However, the second he comes home, he runs
streight upstairs to our neighbor's house
to play poker and have a beer or two. He
will stay up there from 11pm to 2am, then
come home, eat dinner real quick and go
streight to bed. If he comes home any
earlier than 2am, he spends the rest of
his time glued incoherantly to the
computer, playing online poker, and then
goes streight to bed.
The only time he pays me any attention is
after we fight or when I pack up a few of
my belongings and start heading for the
door, to go to my mother's house. All of
a sudden, I get all his attention, he
loves me so much and I am soooooooo
important to him. But when I put my
stuff back, he goes right back to his
usual self again.
He has a hard time focusing on just me.
Even when we are out to a (caugh, caugh)
"romantic" dinner, just the two of us, he
just talks on his cell phone to his
friends the whole time, or chews a
waiter's ear off all night. If we go for
a walk together by the shore on 1st
street, he can't hold my hand and anjoy
the view--- he walks ten feet ahead of me,
frantically looking for a bar that he can
run into and drink beer, play pool and
poker.
At home, if I try to talk to him, he just
says "hang on, let me finish this poker
hand" or "hang on, let me finish watching
this show."
and see, i'm the educated type. I don't
drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc.
I've had 3 years of college, i'm into
psychology (i want to be a counselor), i'm
into the arts (singing, piano, dance,
music of the 60's-80's, ceramics)--- so
you can imagine how being limited to
poker, bars and an incoherant male is
driving me insane!
So why am I with him? Well, because his
good side is unlike any other guy I have
met!!
He doesn't cheat on me, he helps anyone
who is in trouble, he's an excellent
business man (i'm telling you, he's got a
real knack and a ton of potential), he's
really sensitive--like if you tell him a
sad story, or put him on a guilt trip, he
will actually break down crying!! He
doesn't believe in divorce at all......I
mean, in some areas, he's just so
old-fashioned in good ways!
He brings home roses for me every now and
then on his days off. He has workers
from the resturaunt he manages deliver
some food to the house for me, **every
day**. He calls me from work every hour,
to say he misses me and to ask what/how
i'm doing. He cried during our wedding
vows.
Every time we have a fight, we spend a
good hour or so hugging and kissing each
other. Then he admits that he is
neglecting me, tells me I am a wonderful
wife/person, that he's terrified of
loosing me and I do deserve better
treatment.....However, I don't think we
should have to have an exausting,
anger-filled fight in order to be that way
with each other!!!
Sex, however......We're sorta struggling
with that. He kinda rushes through it.
Like he just gets overly excited and
eager, and can't focus on learning what my
needs are in that area. It's over pretty
quickly. I think he just does it to
release stress really fast and then go to
sleep. When I try to slow him down and
teach him, he gets really impatient and
frustrated.
Is there any way I can make our good times
last longer/more frequent? Improve our
sexual experience? Is there any way I
can get him to choose me over his buddies
and poker more often? I really feel that
the good parts of our marrieage are
deffinitely worth saving.
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littlesqueaks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 296 Location: Caldwell, Idaho
Posted: 06-06-06 02:46am
Hi mellissa I kind of know where you are
coming from but my boyfriend of 3 years,
is into his hobby (building remote control
airplanes and helicopters) I see it as his
way of getting his mind off of the
stressful things that are going on around
him.
Does your husband ever talk to you about
what is going on at work? Could he
possibly be stressed about something at
work and he uses his buddies and poker to
relieve stress?
With my ex-husband I did the stay at home
thing with my two boys while he worked
10-12 hours a day and he would have the
one night a week out with the buddies
drinking night but to make along story
short it had turned into 2 nights a week,
3 and so on and so forth till it caused
the problems in our marriage.
Your husband sounds like he does a lot of
nice things for you. Have you thought
about what you are doing for him while he
is at work, in the morning before he
leaves, or when he gets home? The
littlest things that ones does for the
other are noticed when done often not far
and in between because we tend to
forget.
I like to leave post-it notes in different
places where he is most often that say how
much I love him, how much he means to me
and so on. Another thing is to
spontaneous (easier if you don't have kids
and if you do a reliable babysitter) leave
a hotel key for him at the restraunnt,
have the house romantically setup do you
get my driff?
Sometimes to get what you want you just
have to reach out and take it instead of
waiting for it because I know from my own
expierience is to just be forceful and so
no you are not playing poker tonight you
are staying at home to pleassure me!!!!!
As for the sex thing I would have to say
before even starting tell him that you are
in control that your going to play a
little bit of "teacher and student" that
there is more to the pleassure if both can
enjoy.
Be open and honest about everything and
anything because your going to learn new
things about eachother everyday if you
just communicate.Here is one of my
favorite quote and it is true if you are
truly in love with your husband.
"love is everything it's cracked up to
be…it really is worth fighting for,
being brave for, risking everything for.
"
written by erica jong,
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Melissa569
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 27 Location: San Fransisco Bay Area
Posted: 06-06-06 06:45am
Hey, thanks for the reply,
yeah, he does have a lot of stress at
work. Other areas too!
He suffers from anxiety and depression.
He feels alot of guilt over his father.
See, he's from another country. His
family is till over seas. His father
was never there for him. Poor hubby
spent his entire life chasing after his
dad for some attention and bonding and
never recieved it. His dad was always
gone and cold as ice even when he was
home. But he loved his dad anyway, you
know? I guess hubby felt like he could
gain his father's love/respect by some day
supporting him. So right before hubby
came to the us, he told his dad "i'm going
to go to america, and I promis, i'm gonna
work hard and take care of everything for
you." well, 2 years after he got here,
hubby was struggling to make it
financially and his dad died of a heart
attack.
Now, he's trying to keep that promise to
his mom, and even she is in and out of the
hospital with cancer right now. He
sends her money and pays for all her
treatment.
So yeah, there's a ton of stress going on
here.
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littlesqueaks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 296 Location: Caldwell, Idaho
Posted: 06-11-06 22:30pm
I believe stress has alot to do with what
is going on. He is using his friends as a
get away instead of relying on you. Which
is ok we all have a way of relieving
stress either shopping, eating, drinking,
drugs, cleaning ect......
Maybe it would be helpful to find
something that you two could do together
that will get his mind off the stress.
Bowling, camping, a date night to the
movies, movies at home just slowly try to
introduce new things into your
relationship that you can enjoy together
maybe even join him to play poker with the
guys.
Bring back taht relationship that you once
had. If you don't mind me asking what was
your courting like in the beginning?
Love is a wonderous thing!!! You have
your ups and your downs the trick is is to
keep standing firm with every up and down
because though he may not show it he needs
you just as much as you need him!!! Hope
I have been of some help. Heather
