Anyone Have This Problem? Posted: 06-26-06 14:28pm
I don't know if I am posting this in the
correct forum or not. Anyway, I am a 55
year old woman, married 35 years. I find
myself with a dilemma that seems to be
affecting more and more marriages these
days, based on research I have done on the
net. My husband, the man I love with all
my heart, is viewing internet porn. I
discovered this quite by accident about a
year ago. I confronted him about it, I
was angry that it seemed to be a secret he
was keeping. He said he was embarrassed,
that's about all. He did suggest that I
"get some help" with "my" problem with it.
He has always found it difficult to
discuss any emotional issues. I hate to
admit it, but he is a bit of a coward when
it comes to anything emotional between us.
So rather than keep harping about it, I
wrote all about how it made me feel in my
journal over a period of several months.
Then I suggested that he read my journal
when he was on a business trip and maybe
he could understand how I felt. When he
came back from his trip he said he was so
sorry for what he had done and now
understood how awful it had made me feel.
I felt relief, problem solved. But
during the same trip, I used the net to do
research on this and found that very
rarely does the porn watcher stop just
because the mate requests it. "what she
doesn't know can't hurt her." sort of
thinking. I put monitoring software on
the computer and "surprise" he didn't even
slow down. I have been monitoring ever
since; he doesn't know. I told myself
that I would only work with the info I
found to try and re-establish the intimacy
between us. But folks, there is no way
this menopausal body can compete with what
he sees on the computer screen. I feel
like every time we make love, he is
imagining the images he has viewed on the
computer. I'm scared and watchful for
any signs that the porn images will soon
stop being enough to arouse him and he
will go farther and farther into what the
internet has to offer, and I am finding
out that it offers unlimited avenues. He
has progressed from the hardcore porn
movies with porn stars to amateur pictures
and film clips and to webcams. So far he
hasn't joined any of the sites, that I can
tell anyway, just looked at what they use
to lure a person in. When I found out, I
told him that if he wanted to watch porn
or thought that it would enhance our
relationship then we could view it
together, I was open to that, and he
agreed, but he isn't interested at all in
viewing it with me. My confidence in
the sexual side of myself is being
destroyed. Any suggestions? Thank you
in advance for any advice.
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 06-26-06 14:40pm
I kinda know how you feel.I am only 21 and
my boyfriend is 27.He went to a nude beach
w/o telling me(he saod he was going to the
beach,just didn't mention it was nude).He
finally brought it up and told me and I
was like "am I not enough for you to look
at?".Sometimes I feel sexually insecure
about myself with him cause I don't feel
like i'm doing anything right. . .All I
can say is tell him what your doing and
that he needs to stop lying to you about
it.Ask him why he feels the need to look
at it all the time and why if he is so
sorry,he keeops doing it.If he doesn't
stop,i don't know what to tell you.Either
let it go or if it bothers you that much
separate for a bit and see how he feels
being left alone with only porn and no
wife to go to. Hope I helped a little at
least
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BuzzyBee
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jun 2006 Posts: 42
Posted: 06-26-06 15:04pm
Hi there,
i really wouldnt let this get to you let
alone ruin your reationship. Your husband
evidentaly loves you a 35 yr marrige is
proof of that and please do not let it
destroy your self confidence. Ok so he
likes to lok at pretty young things with
fake hair, fake tan, fake nails and fake
boobs having sex with young steroid
riddled men, its purely superficial. And
I very much doubt hes think of them whilst
with you.
Its proven that men get turned on by
"visual aids" whilst women get turned on
by more mental things such as fantasising.
Can you honestly say you've never had a
quick daydream about david beckham or brad
pitt giving you a massage. I know I
have!!! And it doesnt mean I love my
partner any less nor do I ever wish I
wasnt making love to him.
The fact he was trying to hide it from you
means he was try to protect you. He loves
you and your journal probably showed him
how much you were hurting which upset him
greatly.
The spywear you have on your computer is a
breach of trust and if he found out could
ultimately wreck your marriage. Trust is
the basis of a good relationship, which
you obviously had. Please dont throw that
all away.
My partner looks at pornography yet I know
he is devoted to me and that is just
something to 'relax' to. Please dont let
it get to you. If u ever want to talk, im
here. Good luck
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gutted805
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jun 2006 Posts: 2
Posted: 06-26-06 17:43pm
Thank you both for the replies. In my
original message I neglected to mention
that I had asked him if he would accept
monitoring software on the computer. His
response was that he was willing to do
anything to make me feel more secure. I
don't have a problem with porn itself, I
have watched some of it with him and it
can be exciting for me, but he doesn't
seem to enjoy it when watching it
together. Notice that I wrote that I
never intended the monitoring to be a
threat to him, only a learning tool for me
to see if I couldn't re-establish the
intimacy between us. My fear is the
progression that seems to be happening as
time goes on. It's like where once the
image of a female in a bra could be very
arousing, then you view the image without
the bra, and so the image with the bra
can't bring the same level of arousal.
My fear is that he is becoming numb to the
usual porn images and is seeking out newer
different areas, i.E. The amateur and
webcam sites he has looked at. These
aren't fake anything, they are just people
like us. I will say that my trying so
hard to bring back our intimacy has
brought a new life to our bedroom and he
seems to be thrilled at the efforts I am
making. I am compiling as much data as
I can, including what the monitoring
software is showing me. I have
researched how a husbands need for secrecy
and porn can affect the wife's self image,
and I intend to go over it all with him
(in no threatening manner what so ever) in
the near future. Believe me, I love this
man, and that won't stop. I know he is
truly sorry for the hurt this has caused
me, but I don't think he realizes the
dangers ahead as he goes down this road.
Again, thank you for the responses.
Buzzy, you spoke of trust issues, yes you
are right it is a trust issue, but after
he read my journals and was so sorry for
hurting me so badly, I think that his
going back to it involves a trust issue
too. I just want us to live the life we
planned together, it's a good life, and he
is still the man that makes my heart trip
when he walks into a room. I don't want
that to end ever and believe me, I am
trying as hard as I can to be the woman
who he said always gave "rise" to his
attitude when I walked into a room.
:wink:
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fox1lady
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 53
Posted: 08-11-06 20:19pm
I am married too and sometimes you have to
overlook things..My husband looks at the
porn sites too..I asked him what is it
about this female is so facinating..So I
went to the lingerie store about bought
different nities and fancy underware they
were wearing along with the high heels and
put on a show of my own..And he took
pictures with the video camera and know he
has he own collection of his wife...It was
more fun that I thought it would..
