Ending a Relationship Forum


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awkwarddepressed

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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
Posts: 70

Any Advice? Posted: 07-20-06 09:33am


Im in my late 20s and ive been with my gf for close to 8 months. She is the first girl ive had sex with. She had had sex before and that topic always screws with my head. I always get jealous of the previous dudes and also bothered by the fact that I waited so long to have sex and that I shouldve been having sex with other people and that there is something wrong with me since I never had a strong enough desire to have sex to get off. Im also bothered by the idea that she may have had sex with a large number of people, not that I have a number in mind though since I have no clue what a large number of partners is because I took the lame nice guy approach to women. I just dont like the idea of being with a promiscuous person if thats what she was, again that term isnt easily defined. She seems to think that because I havent had sex with others that I dont really know what I want. I love her and things are great, but im wondering whether I should stay in this relationship any longer or not. To quote ferris bueller talking about his friend "hes gonna marry the first girl he *** and shes gonna treat him like because you cant respect someone who kisses your ". Not sure I really kiss her all that much and I know she has respect for me, but I get all sensitive and freaked out whenever the idea of her having sex with others randomly comes up. I really do love her and she loves me and we have a great relationship, im just wondering if its stupid to stay with the first girl I **** and if im hurting myself.

Uzaman

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Wait a Minute.... Posted: 07-21-06 07:36am


The girl hasn't even done anything to you, and you're thinking of leaving her, because of what? Because you can't handle the fact that she has a history??? Oh yeah, real caring relationship this one; the stuff of shakespearean legend. I'm being ironic of course. You don't love her, you love yourself. Your whole post reeks of selfish regard for your own interests. Do her a favour will ya, and leave her alone. Let her find someone else better at pretending to love her.

awkwarddepressed

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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
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Any Advice Posted: 07-21-06 08:51am


Apparently you dont understand where im coming from. Yes the fact that she has a past and I really dont does bother me. It makes me feel like I screwed up and that theres something wrong with me. I followed the old "dont have sex, sex is bad" rule that society fed me my whole life concerning pregnancy and disease and all the negatives and now that im older I notice that all society is fed is sex sex sex (sex and the city is a huge culprit, here in new york city all women act like they are on the show). This makes me feel like I was lied to and I shouldve been a player Italian a-hole and took advantage of every opportunity I had instead of thinking "im not really into this girl and I dont want to hurt her". Now I feel like a scrub cuz I realize that people dont really care about sex. Theyll go to bars and give it up and its no big deal and even the people that you wouldnt suspect have done it. I feel stupid cuz I made a big deal of it. Unlike others I guess I always held the physical and emotional sides of sex together and wasnt able to distinguish between the two. You dont have to get nasty with me, I love this girl. I was just asking if its really healthy and smart in this day and age for me to stick with her, or should I really be getting out there and trying new things out. Its almost as if I was a loser then and ill still be a loser if I stick with her. Im talking strictly from what the media and society and the guy and the girl on the street would have to say about my situation. In the past she has practically broken up with me over the fact that I think shes so great and so amazing and she in turn has the idea that I dont know what im talking about. This scares me and just feeds the idea that I messed up.

awkwarddepressed

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Advice Posted: 07-21-06 08:55am


Its almost as if I waited my entire life to meet the perfect girl and now I realize that I was following some make believe antiquated rule because no one else does that. They just want to get off with someone thats hot.

linus56

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Joined: 28 Jun 2006
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Listen to What You're Saying Posted: 07-21-06 09:15am


And listen to uzaman--you say you're in love, but you aren't describing a loving relationship. It sounds like you want to go out and 'play the field' and you wish you had started earlier. Well, the field is a tough place, and you might not like it as much as you think. You might not do as well as you think you will. Tv is not real. Sex and the city isn't a documentary. Figure out if you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl, and if you do, maybe you're in love, otherwise I vote for your being in lust. That's not unusual in the world, but it's better if you understand your own feelings and intentions. Good luck figuring it out, but be considerate and figure out what you want and then tell the girl, rather than drag her through the muck while you try to decide whether you want to be a partner in a committed relationship or not. And don't expect her to wait around for you to decide much longer...

awkwarddepressed

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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
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Advice Posted: 07-21-06 09:28am


No, I do want to be with her, im asking if thats the right thing for me to do. I see people on here that are 15 talking about how they are in love and others tell them they dont know what they are talking about since they have no experience, well in almost 30 and I havent had a lot of experience, does that mean I dont know what im talking about too? Is it healthy and ok to remain with the first person you lose it to? I love her, ive never met anyone else like her. Thats why im with her. Shes very special to me and I dont want anyone thinking im just jerking her around cuz im not. I just want to see if people think im doing the right thing, or if people really think im a loser thats just settling for the first girl I have sex with.

awkwarddepressed

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Posted: 07-21-06 09:30am


Ive asked similar questions in other forums here and I got more pleasant and helpful answers, maybe because I posted this in the divorce/ending a relationship category im getting angry answers from people that assume im playing with this girls head. There must be more bitter people here.

Uzaman

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Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Posts: 147

Posted: 07-21-06 11:00am


So all you see are people looking out for their own selfish desires? You describe what I have noticed myself, and it's not going to change unless nature does away with this tendency as part of a continuing process of human evolution. You see, 'human self-centeredness' is primordial in nature, meaning they are incapable of overriding this instinct. I mean, this goes way back before the dawn of modern man's existence (homo sapien). We're talking back to the days of the protohuman (homo erectus etc). Self-centeredness is one of a list of survival techniques nature imbued humans with in order to survive and flourish. It's similar to the 'fight or flight' response to immediate danger, where humans begin to sweat if they sense danger. The sweat makes it harder for a predator (whether human or animal) to get a firm hold of the intended human prey. 'self-regard' is just another survival tool. During the early stages of their existence, humans couldn't afford to think of others. It was every man for himself. If humans did think of others, it was because it was in their own interest to do so. One example would be humans protecting their children. Humans instinctively protect their children in order to ensure the continuation of their own genetic substance. Humans then call this protective instinct 'love', but it is actually a mechanistic, automated response to the need to survive; just like 'getting horny' is nature's way of getting us to procreate so that humanity continues to exist. Anyway, getting back to your problem; I won't tell you whether you should or shouldn't stay with your present girlfriend, since she hasn't done anything distinctly wrong to you, as far I can tell. I will say that yes, you have wasted your time all these years holding back. I mean, if you're waiting for love, the best you can hope for is someone to come along who includes you within their sphere of self-centeredness, thus outwardly appearing to love you. I will also say that if this girl does begin to disrespect you (as you fear she may), then by all means disengage from her, and explore your options. Last edited by Uzaman on 07-22-06 05:32am; edited 3 times in total

Uzaman

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Posted: 07-21-06 11:04am


Awkwarddepressed. I'm not bitter, just honest, as I told someone else in another thread. Why would I be bitter when i've never allowed anyone to get close enough to hurt me? Last edited by Uzaman on 07-21-06 11:30am; edited 2 times in total

awkwarddepressed

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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
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Posted: 07-21-06 11:19am


Ill make it simple. I love her, she loves me. She respects me, I respect her. My concern is that I screwed up by waiting so long to have sex. Should a person have sex with more than one person before committing themselves?

Uzaman

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Posted: 07-21-06 11:22am

Listen, in your original post you asked the following question:

Quote:

i really do love her and she loves me and we have a great relationship, im just wondering if its stupid to stay with the first girl I ****** and if im hurting myself.

so, after my little discussion on 'self-centeredness', I answered it.

Uzaman

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Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Posts: 147

Posted: 07-21-06 21:56pm


Then again, I already told you to 'leave her alone' in my original reply didn't i. If you're not sure about her, then it would be more like love not to continue having sex with her while you're trying to figure things out. She may be experienced, but she's not a robot and she hasn't done wrong by you. So before anything else, don't hurt her. That's probably not what you want to hear though is it.

linus56

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Joined: 28 Jun 2006
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Location: Midwest

One Other Point Posted: 07-23-06 01:12am


And to answer one other part of your question, some people wait to have sex, others have sex as soon as they're able. I'll bet that about the same number of people at each extreme would say they were happy or unhappy with their choice. There are a bunch of people who married the first person they had sex with, and I would guess (my opinion only) that the usual 45-55 percent of them find that their relationship lasts for a lifetime. Sex is a very important part of this kind of relationship, but it isn't the whole game. So if you think the relationship overall is good, if you feel like you and the girl are partners in life and respect each other, have fun with each other, and care for each other, then I wouldn't spend time worrying about not having a long list of former lovers. Doesn't really improve the quality of your relationship, and since it's not a contest, it doesn't matter if her experience is wider than yours. Really.... If you're happy when you're not worrying about comparing sexual experiences, then just do something that shows her you love her (other than sex) every week, and be happy in a loving relationship. My .02...

Melissa_20

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Joined: 18 Jan 2006
Posts: 6806
Location: Florida

Posted: 08-01-06 08:50am


Omg,enough with the self interest bs! Thats so lame.I do agree with the fact though that you are only thinking about yourself.Why do you always have to listen to society to look for how you should run your life? Can you not make decisions on your own?So what if you waited to have sex.It justm eans your not some dirty guy who has slept with 50-100 women so far in his life.Trust me,its far more attractive to know a guy has not slept witrh any people at all ind=stead of half his home town.Why don't you stop listening to society and think about what you want wiith this girl or don't want with her.Don't keep dragging her on

Uzaman

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Posted: 08-01-06 09:25am

Lol, you're pathetic.

See how you referred to me as ignorant because I refused to answer your questions in the other thread. When I eventually answered them, you realised that you don't have the brains to embark on a counterargument.

So you came to this thread instead so you could vent your anger at being shown up. Laughable, and another example of humans acting out of self-interest. This time self-interest takes the form of injured pride.

Begone toothless one. Run as fast as your skinny little legs will carry you. You have nothing of value to add beyond your usual vacant ramblings of 'that self-interest stuff is bs'.

Answer what I said in the other thread. Here it is again

Quote:

melissa_12.

The reason you do things for your boyfriend is because you derive some measure of personal satisfaction from having done it, which by extension, panders to your self-interest. However just the other day you were talking in another thread about not being sure about your boyfriend, and wanting to investigate the possiblities of a dating agency of some kind. You contemplate the idea of leaving your boyfriend to explore new horizons while claiming to love him and to want to do nice things for him? Has he beaten you? Does he emotionally abuse you? No, the reason you gave was that you were not sure about him. What, does he talk to himself im his sleep? Does he wear his socks to bed? Pick his nose? Pfft, you do not love him, you love yourself. If you loved him, you would be sure, and the thought of dating anyone else would be anathema to you.

As for parental love or hatred; that is also self-interest. Take for instance, parents who disown their children because their children are gay. Where is the parents love there? They will actually proclaim their wish never to see their own flesh and blood again, simply because of their child's sexual preferences?

That parent's religio-cultural influences have shaped their moral choices, ethical values, and perspectives on the world. These influences have moulded that parent's character, personality, how they approach life, and the expectations they have of themselves and others; especially their children, who are looked on as the newest link in a chain of cultural/moral continuity. This becomes the very essence of that parents object of self-interest; a wish to see that continuity remained unbroken. So in the interests of 'self-interest', they turn their back on their own flesh and blood, rather than face the fact that their child has indeed broken the chain, and chosen another path.

Outwardly, this takes on the appearance of hatred, but it is merely self-interest. Similarly, you cry if your 'loved ones' die for the same reason; whether you're speaking about biological relations, or your partner. You have lost something you desired in your life at that point in time. The operative word here is 'you'. Again, when speaking of yourself (or as you would say, 'i'), that is the very essence of self-interest. Family greatly influences a child's attitudes, values and learning, their development, and who they will become; their ability to make sense of the world, and to make their way in it. You have become reliant on them to guide you, or at least support you. It is therefore in your interest that they remain in your life. Therefore you experience sorrow when they are gone. This time 'self-interest' takes on the outward appearance of grief.

Self-interest also involves the pursuit of pleasure. Your partner makes you happy, makes you feel good; he or she enriches your life in some way, and is (for various reasons) what you want for yourself in your life. Therefore when their partners are gone, humans experience the same resulting emotions, because they have suffered loss; but its antecedent driving factor is once again 'self-interest'. In short, humans grieve for themselves, not their lost mates, or familial loved ones. Okay melissa_12, see if you can answer without attempting to assail me with one syllable insults.

and here's the reply I posted to sandyallen's comments. I think they are relevant.

Quote:

no, i've never been hurt because i've never left myself open to it. As I said, i'm always ready to move on the moment the time comes.

I've been depressed, but no one made me depressed directly.

I was depressed because I realised that love (as we like to idealize it between humans) doesn't exist. I do love nature. I love the mountains, the sea and the sky. Nature make me feel good. So once again, it isn't really 'love', just my inclination for things that bring me pleasure. In other words my love for nature is not devoid of ulterior motive. My love for nature is based on (yes you guessed it) self-interest.

There's no escaping it i'm afraid :(

so what's wrong with ulterior motive or looking out for yourself? Nothing but when you realise that self-interest is the basis for all human interaction, then you have to consider that while 'love could never hurt you', 'ulterior motive' most certainly can and most likely will. But who knows what it will do in the context of a given situation? Therein lies the risk, and it's a risk i'm not prepared to take, because i'm not scared of the future.

I mean, 'ulterior motive' can be good and bad. Sometimes 'ulterior motive' may drive someone to give their own life to save the life of their partner. They want their partner to live so badly that their level of self-interest pushes them to heroic acts. Sometimes, it may drive someone to kill their own mother. Same motive, different actions and results. I said it before, if someone came up with a pill that extended life indefinitely, romantic relationships would become practically a thing of the past, as people would no longer fear growing old and alone.

The risk and hassle of putting your heart on the line, only to have it smashed to a pulp would be seen as not worth it, and people would instead go out and have a good time with their 'friends'. They would flirt, have sex, and maybe even hang with a particular person for a time because that particular person was interesting, funny, or beautiful to look at etc; but they wouldn't commit to that person, and hope that this one wouldn't piledrive them into another emotional nightmare, or worse.

I mean, melissa also mentioned something about her boyfriend's outburst in another thread. Her boyfriend shouted out because another guy asked her if she was okay when he saw her crying. That is jealousy, and one of the better examples of 'self-interest' disguised as 'love'. Look at how people behave when they become jealous. Look at how far people will go, how aggressively they behave, and how much emotional turmoil they will cause for their partner, because of their jealousy. Do you think they behave like that out of love for their partner, or concern for anyone but themselves?

They do it out of 'self-interest', in much the same way one kicks up a stink if they believe someone is trying to steal their car, or their money. This is my car (or money), and how dare you try to take it away from me. Love, on the other hand, would set the other free. Humans look out for themselves. Everything else springs from that one fundamental principle of human nature.

Last edited by Uzaman on 08-01-06 09:51am; edited 3 times in total

Uzaman

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Posted: 08-01-06 09:38am


Oh, and by the way. If I feel like discussing 'self-interest', or anything else that takes my fancy, I will got it? Don't you ever presume the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't talk about human. :twisted:

Melissa_20

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Posted: 08-01-06 10:07am


You know what?You should really stop acting like a know it all.Obviously since you don't let anyone get close enough to you to actually love you, you have no idea cause you've never been there.I did not come in here to rebuttle to something else we were talking about in a completly different thread,get over yourself! Oh and get my name right damn hag. . .

Uzaman

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Posted: 08-01-06 18:58pm


Melissa_09 who said anything about knowing it all? I gave my opinion on this one particular area of the human experience. If you are going to acuse me of ignorance, then submit a counterargument that refutes what it is I have said. Otherwise shut your trap! And who said I need to have experienced love to know something about it? Do I have to burn my hand on the stove to know that's what will happen if I touch the stove? It's called a priori reasoning, in case you didn't know; and I know you didn't. Oh and by the way, that's mr 'damn hag' to you, wretch.

Uzaman

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Posted: 08-02-06 03:48am

Quote:

i did not come in here to rebuttle to something else we were talking about in a completly different thread

that's because you can't! Hence why you never replied.

Spirit

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Posted: 08-02-06 06:51am

uzaman wrote:

and who said I need to have experienced love to know something about it?

oh, yes you do!

It's like taking parenting/relationship advice from a 10 year old.

And in melissas and sandyallens defense....They have been nothing but kind and supportive of most of the people here. :)

Any Advice?