Don't Know What to Do...

Ok well, to start off....Here's some background information. (this could be long...Sorry guys...)

i have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year.....14 and a half months to be exact. 9 months ago, we went through a really really rough patch in our relationship. It was a huge fight that started with him wanting to go out with these two beautiful girls, who were actually two years younger then him. So he wanted to go hang out with them, get drunk and watch movies back at the one girls house. I was completely against it. I cried and cried and cried and begged him not to do this to me, but he said to me straight up, "i'm doing it whether you like or not." the night he went with them, I just accepted it, told myself that I just have to trust him, and I let it be. He called me that night before he left to pick them up, and I apologized and told him to have fun...But not too much. He told me how much he loved me etc. And that he would call me the next day. Well the next day comes around and he never calls...Finally at 10pm, I see his msn name saying some caca about how I am a huge health forum, and when I ask him about it, he says he wants to break up with me. Just outta no where. When I asked why he said it was because I got mad at him for wanting to go out with those two girls. Isn't that understandable that I would be upset?



So we broke up for two days...The most hellish two days of my life. Got back together.....Things were caca for the next couple of weeks. But we managed to talk everything through. We had several heart to heart conversations, and he realized how much he hurt me, and did so much to make it up to me. One day he picked me up from school and surprised me with roses....And it was just little things like that, and he apologized to me non stop.



So here I am 9 months later, and I think I should be over it, but I don't think I truly am. I am still deeply hurt by what he has done to me, and I think he has taken a part of me that I will never get back. Don't get me wrong, I love him more then the world, but this is the thing.



Everytime we have a fight, it somehow ends up being about stacey - the one girl he went off with. (he did not cheat on me by the way...I know for a fact he would not do that). But even now, yesterday we had a fight and it ended up being about when he broke up with me the day after he was with stacey.

I know it's confusing, but that is just the jist of it. I am pretty much over that incident because he has completely proven to me that it was a horrible mistake, and we have even exchanged rings with each other as a committment to each other.

But now things seem to just be going downhill. He makes me feel like nothing I do is right. He always says he's sick of how I get mad over everything, and I really disagree with that assumption, considering I am very nice to him, and do anything and everything for him. When we are around other people, he throws me under the bus and will say the meanest things to me. When we are alone it's another story. He seems to critisize my every move, and it's absolutely breaking my heart, because I love him so much. I know he loves me too, but....What he is doing to me is killing me. I try so hard to be patient with him...But I eventually just blow up from bottling the feelings inside. Now the past two days I have completely exploded and I feel so depressed and I just don't know what to do, because everything he says and does mocks me in some way, or critisizes me. And this has been going on for a long time. And no matter how much I stand up for myself, it keeps going on..



I have come to realize that I am no longer completely happy, and I feel like there is something missing from our relationship. I feel empty, and find myself wishing that we were now, how we were when we first started going out. We pretty much worshipped the ground each other walked on. And when he insults me, I find myself insulting him back, and I hate how we say mean things to each other.



I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know what else to do. Actually, I refuse to break up with him, but I don't know what to do, because my heart is absolutely breaking.



When I cry, he tells me to stop crying, and that I have no reason too, and he actually even gets mad at me when I cry....



When I ask him if he is happy being with me, he says, "if I wasn't happy being with you, I would have ended this months ago" which yeah, I believe because for him it's either black or white....If he was sick of being with me he would end it immediately.



But I don't know what to do as far as how hurt I am over everything. Our stupid arguments, and I have been having so many moments lately where I cannot stop thinking of how he hurt me so bad so many months ago....I am sick of crying myself to sleep and I just don't know what to do anymore...



I feel as if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am so scared to say anything to him about it though...



So if anyone has bothered to read this short novel....Anyone got any advice?



Thank you so so much if you have read this. And thank you even more if you can leave some words of advice. I don't care if it is positive or negative feedback, just tell me anything that can set my mind at ease possibly.

Much love,

<3

x0x-andrea