And So - Here We Go Again, I Can't Do This

I'll briefly [suckers as I can manage] tell my story. If it's a bit long, I apologize in advance. Writing has always been my outlet & right now, I have a great deal of stress & worry to release.

My name is amber. I am currently 20 years of age. My "boyfriend" [in quotations b/c we're not exactly official; long story] is also 20 years of age, but his 21st birthday is at the end of this coming sept. We have only been together for about 4 mo's or so. We're close, best friends to say the least. His name is ross.

Before I explain him & myself, let me explain just me. I have been pregnant before in the past. I was 17 going on 18 when it happened. It was an extremely hard ordeal for me to get through b/c my boyfriend at the time, who was only 16, was obviously incapable of supporting a child. We were together for 2 & a half years, and even after we lasted another 2 years. I was on a medication at the time which caused severe birth defects. Knowing this, I opted for an abortion. I aborted my pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was w/out a doubt the hardest decision I ever had to make. It killed me & I fell into a terrible state of depression afterwards. I wanted my baby, but nobody else seemed to share that same want, even my boyfriend - the baby's father.

My mother & I also went through a great deal. It was probably just as hard for her. We fought endlessly. And for a while, we had no relationship whatsoever. I was extremely resentful towards her.

And here is where I need advice. Ross & I had unprotected sex yesterday morning [thursday]. I don't have that "pregnant feeling," but I do think I might have been ovulating. I'm not entirely sure how that whole calendar-thing works?

My last period started on aug. 14th & ended aug. 19th. We had unprotected sex on aug. 22nd and then again on aug. 24th. I believe that it is the first couple of days after the last day of your period when you are most fertile? I'd really appreciate it if someone could answer that question. Or if someone could work my period out & tell me if I am correct in my statement.

I'm stressing out like crazy. Because I have gone through telling parents & telling friends & making the toughest decision of my life before in the past - and I honestly can't imagine having to go through w/ it all over again. I talk nonstop about it w/out knowing for sure if i'm pregnant or not b/c I am nervous - and it's causing ross to freak. I don't want to make him stress just as much as myself, but I can't help it.

I'm off all my meds. Right now for the time being. It's going to throw my body off course & probably screw up any progress I have made w/ curing certain "diseases," but I can't chance damaging a developing fetus. I can't be told by doctors all over again that my chances of giving birth to a healthy child fall below 5% b/c of some pill I was taking.

I don't think I could mentally & emotionally go through a second abortion. And, ross has already promised to remain involved in his child's life, even if we don't work out as a couple or w/e we are. He has a good, steady job & his family has a great amount of money. They might hate me for getting pregnant so fast w/ their son, but I highly doubt they would turn their backs on their grandchild.

I'm nervous at the thought of having to break the news to my family all over again. I had never seen my mother & my little sister [2 years younger] look & feel so much disappointment towards me. It was the first time I ever saw my mother cry hysterically.

Here's another obstacle to overcome. I don't live at home w/ my family. I live w/ a friend, a second mother so-to-speak. My family moved away [extremely long story which would probably sound unbelievable to most] & I stayed behind w/ my sister, so that she would have someone to watch over her as she finished out high school. I have a feeling that if I broke the news to my second mother that I was pregnant, she would ask me to move out. I don't think she would accept a baby into her household. Not b/c she would be upset or disappointed, but b/c there is just no room. And, b/c I would need a job to pay rent - meaning I would need a baby-sitter.

:: sighs :: i'm sure I am over-reacting, but the thought of having to go through w/ everything all over again is getting the best of me.

Could somebody please, please, please calculate my chances of being pregnant? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

X_o_x forever amber