Joined: 21 Jan 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Battle Creek Michigan
Being the Dad of a 15 Yr Old Daughter Posted: 01-21-04 20:25pm
I have a 15 yr old daughter who totally
resents anything I say to her, whether it
be advise or giving her a task to
complete. She has a way of making me mad
at the drop of a hat with attitude or just
ignoring me. I am in the army and have
been for nearly 20 yrs and I am told all
the time we kids are not your soldiers,
but its not like that I myself am an army
brat and grew up in a strict household and
I expect my kids to have every opportunity
they can get including good grades and
strong moral values. The problem I
experiencing with my daughter is she has
friends whos parents really dont care what
they do and she sees them doing things I
wont allow her to do so she mouths off at
me and threatens to leave I have even
found notes she has written talking about
suicide and drinking and doing all the
things I wont let her just to spite me. I
wont let her date this makes her mad, she
has been caught leaving school with an 18
yr old boy when she just turned 15 me and
her mother were very upset but of course
im the heavy. She uses her friends as
listeners but I am convinced they are the
biggest part of the problem. Can anyone
offer any suggestions please.
Sran4
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Guest
Guest
? Posted: 01-21-04 21:14pm
Hi there,
this is from someone who has been that
girl.
I look back now and still feel like I
wasn't loved.
I couldn't go anywhere,do anything,i
didn't have an opinion~~
i was good for working and being there
when they wanted to beat me.
Iam not saying this is your or ur
daughters case~
my friends were all I had they gave me
love support and routed for me.
One thing my parents never did was sat me
down and talk just talk.
Without accusations without yelling but
with love they never opened there heart to
me or gave a damm on how my life was.
You have asked I beileve you care!!
This is a good step.Try just reaching out
ask her for help ask her to let you
in I pray she will and I hi 5 you!!!!!
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autumn24
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2004 Posts: 39 Location: new brunswick
Remembering Myself At That Age Posted: 01-24-04 18:36pm
Your daughter will make mistakes all you
can do is try and guide her, be there for
her and keep rules she will thank you
later. The important thing though is to
choose your battles, some things aren't as
important as others you have to give but
you have to be firm as well. If your too
firm she will do it behind your back (and
believe me they have lots of ways to get
away with things without your knowing).
In regards to the note on suicide....Seek
professional help before it's too late.
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Stace
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jan 2004 Posts: 15
Posted: 01-31-04 00:10am
Your msg was posted awhile back so I dont
no if you'll get it but ima write anyhow.
I am that 15 yr old girl. Everything
you said, I do. And I feel so so bad
about it! Now its like just a reaction,
my dad says something, anything, and I
just snap. But I dont want to, I just
do. I really dont no why, maybe he
catches me at a bad time (remembering I
have my own life to live) or maybe I do
feel he is too strict or wateva. Mostly
I just find him really annoying, like its
a chore to talk to him. After reading
your msg tho, and realizing how much pain
he must be in, I no that I cant blame him
like I hav been doing. He does alot for
me and I do love him very much. I dont
no if this in anyway relates to your
daughter or has helped you in anyway as
much as it has for me... But one thing
to remember is that your daughter does
love you so stick in there an maybe she
will see how much you love her too. If
you want to ask any questions then please
do so
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Guest
Guest
? Posted: 01-31-04 17:51pm
You are as I was too.You are at an age
where your path is starting
and where you want your decisions to be
heard.
I know.
I hope your father knows how you love him
and despite how you feel
i hope he shows you love in return.Despite
the fighting and the bad feelings that is
important to have that love and it be
shared.
You are strong and I wish the best for you
and your dad.
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san54
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2003 Posts: 227 Location: Virginia
15 Year Olds Posted: 01-31-04 18:51pm
Show her that you trust her by letting her
do somethings with bonderies. Tell her
that you want to meet her friends and
maybe have them over to her house. Start
out with little steps. If you keep
restricting her she will do something that
you don't want her to do. All you can do
is trust and love her.
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Charmed
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Dec 2003 Posts: 14 Location: Reno, NV
15yr Old Girls Are Naturally Like This. Posted: 01-31-04 20:31pm
I hope you get to this post and I hope it
helps you in anyway...I lived with just my
dad from 10 years old and up, he was
strict but I always found myself getting
around that, I was not by any means
suicidal but when I was depressed (like
all 15 year old girls are) I would write
things in a journal to myself thats would
put my in a mental institution for sure,
but it was just a stage, and as I grew
older I realized I was foolish but my dad
never lectured me on things like that or
drinking or sex ed or anything and I think
thats what helped me he was only strict
when extremely neccessary. As a parent,
expect your daughter to sneak out and
expect her to go to parties and drink,
don't we all have stories like that? I
know I do and the more you experience the
more you learn, and if you want to be more
involved then buy her a cell phone so you
can check up on her and give her a certain
amount or hours she can spend with her
friends a week so she can decide when she
goes out but in reality you are
controlling it without her feeling tramped
by boundaries. I am not saying by any
means let her do what she wants but the
best lesson I ever learned from living
with just a father (who is a marine) was
the more he didn't speak the more I knew
I was in trouble, when I snuck out of my
house once threw my bedroom window I
looked back as I drove away with my
friends and my dad opened the front door
and just waved goodbye, I have never been
more scared of him in my whole life I
didn't know what to expect when I got home
and that made the whole sneaking out
process awful for me and I never did it
again...I don't know how he achieved that
fear to me but thats what you have to do
for your daughter to listen to you.
Instead of yelling at her be disappointed
in her it hurt more.
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Stace
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jan 2004 Posts: 15
Posted: 02-01-04 00:00am
I totally agree- disappointment does hurt
more than anger. Thank you for your msg
pdeen its good to no im not alone and
others have gone thru wat I have. I hope
your still on good terms with your dad?
Anyways good luck to everyone who are
having problems with their family. Love
conquers! Xoxo
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Guest
Guest
?? Posted: 02-03-04 10:18am
stace
wrote:
thank you for your msg
pdeen its good to no im not alone and
others have gone thru wat I have. I
hope your still on good terms with your
dad? Anyways good luck to everyone who
are having problems with their family.
Love conquers!
Xoxo
you are most welcome.And yes and no.As a
child you are always looking for approval
from your parents as you get older it is
still that way.
I never got the love that a child needs
and I still to this day try to get that
out of them and it always ends in it being
about them.
I see my dad very little.His drinking is
more important and to him iam still that
little girl he can hurt.And as for my mom
she is still hidding how it was and
is.That is why I try so hard with my own
kids.I hate the feeling of feeling like
someone is suffering it brings me so
down.
I wished so much that my parents would of
just once said we love you we are here for
you and talked to me.
It's never happened.
You are right love does conquer but there
must be love on both sides.
Some times more than not we end up living
the rest of our lives like we grew up!!I
am so thankful I fought and am not living
it.
As teens we have so much to learn it
shouldn't be by the hand.
That is why I was so touched by the 1st
post the dad wants so much to change the
direction that it is going.He truly has
and I hope shows how he cares.
Thanks again
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 02-16-04 04:29am
I realize this is an old post, but I can
help here! I was the worst 15 year old
girl ever! Well, probably not, but my
parents would say that. No, we laugh
about it now. The thing is, at this age,
there is sooooo much that she is going
through. Even if you think back to when
you were this age, it may help a little,
but time really do change. A lot.
Teenageers now a days go through sooooo
much that they just shouldn't have to. I
also had friends whose parents let them do
pretty much whatever. That just caused
me to hate my parents more. All I
wanted was the freedom. To make my own
choices and mistakes. Yes, my parents
were only doing what they thought was
best, but they were a little too strict.
I didn't get to have my childhood because
I was too busy fighting for it.
It is hard, but you are going to have to
give her room to make her mistakes. I am
not saying to let her walk all over you,
but hey, if she wants to go to a party,
let her go.... But know where she is
going and who with and make sure she is
not drinking. And although it will kill
you, let her know that if her friends
drink that you will pick her up. You
don't want her getting into a car with a
drunk person because she is afraid to call
you. I am sure that you raised her
right, and for the most part she will make
the right decision. And hopefully, they
will be the important ones. There is
nothing you can do about the attitude and
the fights. They will be there. The
more you try to do about it, the worse
they will get.
The thing is, with all these teens go
through these days, family, are the only
people that they can be themselves around
and yell at without losing. Of course
she is going to take her anger out on you,
because she knows that you will still love
her tomorrow. All of this is probably
confusing, but true. Good luck and god
bless. Just try not to lose your cool.
All it will do is scare her and make her
feel unloved.
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lowrong
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 May 2004 Posts: 17 Location: Ontario
Post From a 16 Year Old Girl Posted: 05-20-04 06:05am
Hi, my name is lisa, and I am a 16 year
old girl in grade 10. I live in canada,
and do not agree with a lot of the posts,
most of them are stereotypes about 15 year
old girls. As I have just turned 16 at
the end of april.
I have never snuck out, I have never had
sex, I have never done drugs, and I have
never drunk.
I have always been a good kid, I have a
twin sister, and 2 other sisters, me and
my twin are the youngest. My older sister
is 18, and then the oldest is 22. None of
us kids have done any of this stuff, with
the exception of my oldest sister, who is
also a good kid.
One thing that I think may be able to help
you and your daughters situation is to do
the same thing that me and my family now
do once a week. We sit down (all of us)
and talk about anything and everything, we
dont lie to each other anymore because we
dont feel the need to. We can tell
eachother anything, and we dont get in
trouble for saying that we have done
something angainst the rules. We just
talk about it, and try to make it better.
We never get punished or looked at
differently for any of the things that we
say.
I really think that this may be able to
help you, and I hope it does.
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glaston
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2004 Posts: 18 Location: US, IL
Posted: 05-23-04 10:25am
Sran, I totally think you're doing the
right thing.
15 year old girls are like this, they get
depressed over things but it's not real
depression. It's dissapointment that they
aren't allowed to do whatever they want.
Teenage girls seem to create life and
death issues out of small things.
I also think that you're right about her
friends being a bad influence. She sees
them getting away with homicide, and feels
left out of that because she has parents
that are a little more centered than those
of her friends, and don't allow that
crap.
From what it sounds, you aren't being
unreasonable at all.
I'd say allow her to do some things within
reason, but make sure that the freedoms
you give her aren't easily abused.
When she goes to college, and gets a good
job and has a decent life ahead of her
she'll really thank you. Especially since
those friends of hers will quite possibly
be pregnant, have alcohol or drug
problems. And have not kept up with their
studies so they won't have that same
future that your daughter will. She'll
thank you!
Of course, this is coming from an
ex-military man, who doesn't have
children. So take it for what it's worth.
But I do think you got the right idea!
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 05-24-04 15:34pm
While it is true that teenage girls (&
boys) do make mountains out of molehills
etc, be careful because sometimes those
mountains are really huge mountains
otherwise we wouldn't have things like
anorexia, teenage suicide etc etc etc!!
The best way to deal with anyone
(regardless of age) is with respect &
open, honest communication - so talk to
her, tell her why you feel the way you
feel, ask her about her feelings etc, tell
her about things you did, choices you made
& why & which ones you later
regretted etc. Sure it's hard &
embarrassing at times but it will tellher
you really vare, that you understand, that
you will listen _ so long as you do listen
& are prepared to make some
compromises.
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 05-25-04 15:50pm
Well, to the 16 year old. I am really
glad that you have the situation that you
do. I am not stereotyping. I was 15
not that long ago and let me tell you
something. That "sit down and talk about
anything and everything" never ever would
have worked.
Worth a try definately, but would not work
in the majority.
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linuxChique
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2004 Posts: 4535
Posted: 05-27-04 04:28am
I think I was in a situation closer to
your daughter than anyone else here. My
parents were strict christians. They
never let me do things with my friends. I
couldn't receive or make phone calls after
9 oclock. I couldn't call males. They
didn't let me go to prom. My curfew was
10 until I graduated. Now i'm 22, married
for 2 years, pregnant with our first
child, and i've only been back to my
parents' once since our wedding.
Here is how I think about them now. I
think they thought they loved me, but they
were terrible parents. They took huge
risks, that under other circumstances
would have pushed me more and more towards
the bad things in life. The only reason
I turned out ok was because of my mother,
who taught me about morals and died when I
was 9.
Talk to your daughter and make her listen.
Tell her you love her and that you think
you've been too harsh. Tell her how
important it is to you that she is a good
person. Tell her that her friends won't
hate her if she chooses not to drink, etc.
Tell her you want to start allowing her
to have more freedoms, on a temporary
basis, but that she also has to treat you
right and take more responsibility for her
actions. For instance, tell her you'll
let her go to a party she wants to go.
Give her a fair curfew, say 11pm for a 15
year old, and tell her that this is a
test. If she comes back drunk or
smelling of alcohol or smoke then she
doesn't get any more chances. But if she
is responsible with the small things you
give her, she will get bigger things too.
If she messes up, ground her for 6 months
and then try again. But don't let her
know that right off. Make her think she
is grounded forever.
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 05-27-04 06:44am
Well, I also was not allowed to do
anything. When I was 17 my bedtime was
still 9:00.
11:00 for a 15 year old is like gold in my
book.
If you take the above advice than that
would be absolutely wonderful. I wish my
parents would have tried to help me out
and let me live other than ruining my
childhood. I also know that they loved
me very much, but also were just not good
at all at understanding what it is like to
be a teenager in todays world. But, I
forgave them. We are now very close.
There is no sense in holding a grudge.
We all make mistakes.
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glaston
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 May 2004 Posts: 18 Location: US, IL
Posted: 06-07-04 15:00pm
What if she's just around others who are
smoking? Then she's gonna smell of it,
and not get to go out again.
She can't control what others do, and if
she walks through a room where people are
smoking, she's gonna smell of it.
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linuxChique
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2004 Posts: 4535
Posted: 06-07-04 16:34pm
Yeah, true. He just has to use good
judgement.
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 06-10-04 01:11am
That is very true. That happened to me
when I was 14. I had smoked a couple of
times, but one night I got grounded for
two months because I smelled like smoke.
And I wasn't even smoking.
The main reason I rebelled so much as a
child was because I got punished for doing
things that I never even did. So, of
course, I did them. Why not?
I am not proud of it now of course, but
you couldn't tell me anything then. I
knew exactly what was best for me. Wow,
I was a little fireball.
But, the way I see it is I think I turned
out o.K.
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qt3
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2003 Posts: 264
Hi Hotas Posted: 06-30-04 12:52pm
I just wanted to say I got your reply to
cpt church and couldn't agree more. I
hope you are doing well :d I didn't want
to respond to that note again as that guy
is a lunatic!
