Medical Abortion Forum - Boyfriend Being Unsupportive After Abortion?


Boyfriend Being Unsupportive After Abortion?

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Was my boyfriend in the wrong?

Yes

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[ 2 ]

66%

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Total Votes : 6

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RB20

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Boyfriend Being Unsupportive After Abortion? Posted: 09-22-06 08:20am


Okay, so I am sort of new to this but I had an issue and because of how personal the matter is, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to any friends yet about it. So here goes: i had a medical abortion 2 days ago. I was told I was unable to masterbate or have sex for two weeks to prevent infection. I left for school tonight and my boyfriend had the night off. When I came home, he went to bed and I got on the computer to start writing my essay for english.I went to type in ask jeeves and an internet porn site came up. I confronted my boyfriend and found out that while I was at school he had got online and jacked off to internet porn. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I guess I just feel lke we should be in this whole abortion thing together and that we should both have to withold from sex and masterbation for the 2 weeks. Why should I have to suffer alone? I didn't get pregnant alone right? Even still, the fact that he had done this while looking at other naked women hurt even worse. I already am feeling down because of the whole abortion and now I feel like he betrayed me. A. He witheld the fact the he had done it b. I also felt like we should both be witholding from sex and c. That he had done this while looking at other women. Am I outta line to be upset? Are my hormones just outta whack? Cuz I really feel like he was wrong to have done this....Any written feedback would be well appreciated. Or you can just answer poll...

Jules

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Posted: 09-22-06 08:48am


I think you're over-reacting totally - it probably is the hormones. There's nothing wrong in your man looking at porn - he needs to 'relieve himself' and surely you'd rather he did that looking at some saucy pictures than going out and finding some cheap slag to sleep with? Give the guy a break!!!

PorraSA

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Re: Posted: 09-22-06 09:33am


Ok, I can understand that you would want him to go through what you are going through cause this was a joint decision and you guys did do this together. However rb20 you have to understand that boys will be boys! They do that sort of thing all the time....I agree with what purestgreen said...Rather he get off looking at a computer than land up in the sack with a another slag....! 2 weeks isn't that long....You can hold out. But as your bf just proved men cant! Its a fact that all woman have to face! Maybe he tried to keep it from you cause he didn't want to hurt your feelings! It's not like he is being unfaithful sweetie! But I can also relate to what you saying! Welcome to the forum, i'm also new!!

RB20

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Posted: 09-22-06 09:34am


Thank you for the response. I guess I am just uneasy about the whole porn issue. I just feel like he shouldn't have hid it from me. What is a relationship without communication? I just feel like the timing was horrible for us. Here I am stuck without any sexual contact from a procedure that took both of us to cause and he's going behind my back and jacking off to internet porn. Your right in the fact that he probably hid it from me due to my feelings...I didn't really think about that. Anyonelse have feedback?

jenn_smithson

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Re: Boyfriend Being Unsupportive After Abortion?
Posted: 09-22-06 14:50pm

rb20 wrote:

okay, so I am sort of new to this but I had an issue and because of how personal the matter is, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to any friends yet about it. So here goes:
i had a medical abortion 2 days ago. I was told I was unable to masterbate or have sex for two weeks to prevent infection. I left for school tonight and my boyfriend had the night off. When I came home, he went to bed and I got on the computer to start writing my essay for english.I went to type in ask jeeves and an internet porn site came up. I confronted my boyfriend and found out that while I was at school he had got online and jacked off to internet porn. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I guess I just feel lke we should be in this whole abortion thing together and that we should both have to withold from sex and masterbation for the 2 weeks. Why should I have to suffer alone? I didn't get pregnant alone right? Even still, the fact that he had done this while looking at other naked women hurt even worse. I already am feeling down because of the whole abortion and now I feel like he betrayed me. A. He witheld the fact the he had done it b. I also felt like we should both be witholding from sex and c. That he had done this while looking at other women. Am I outta line to be upset? Are my hormones just outta whack? Cuz I really feel like he was wrong to have done this....Any written feedback would be well appreciated. Or you can just answer poll...

is this feeling about masturbation and porn something you've always felt or is it just now? What I mean is, are you uncomfortable with the idea of your boyfriend looking at porn all the time or just right now? And, are you uncomfortable with the idea of your boyfriend masturbating all the time or just right now?

If you've always been uncomfortable with it, then you have, in my opinion, a legitimate complaint since he would know how you already feel about the subject. However, if this is something new and you haven't yet conveyed your feelings to him, then you can't expect him to know.

Or, if you told him that just after the abortion and he still went and did it, then you have a legitimate complaint.

Can I just tell you something that i've learned after being with the same guy for over six years (going on three married)? He's going to look at other women (whether porn or not) in a sexual way. He's going to fantasize about other women. He's going to think about other women when he masturbates and he will always masturbate. However, the good news is that this does not mean that he wants to break up with you or not be with you. Everyone fantasizes and as long as they remain just fantasies, there's nothing harmful about them. In fact, sharing your fantasies with your partner can open a whole new dialogue and sexual openness between the two of you. I once died my hair and bought a ridiculous outfit to spice things up just as he regularly shaves and bought me toy that I fantasized about once.

I do agree with you about the communication problems and the fact that you think he tried to hide it. I think, though, that you both could work together on repairing the issues of trust that were broken. You could tell him how it feels to be in your position right now and if he's any type of human being, he should be able to empathize with you.

Best of luck,
jenn

RB20

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Posted: 09-22-06 18:18pm


In response to: [ is this feeling about masturbation and porn something you've always felt or is it just now? What I mean is, are you uncomfortable with the idea of your boyfriend looking at porn all the time or just right now? And, are you uncomfortable with the idea of your boyfriend masturbating all the time or just right now? ] i don't have a problem with masturbation in general, I just don't and have never liked him doing it while looking at other naked women. And yea, he knew this and had promised not to masturbate to other women. I told him if it happened again not to be ashamed and to tell me. I want to understand it. When I try to talk to him about why and what he likes and looks at he get uncomfortable and shuts down. We do have a normal sexual relatonship, other than right now due to the recent abortion.I guess I need to ether try and understand that it will happen in our relationship or find someone who shares my values and doesn't. I just wish he could've communicated more to me about the whole thing. I'm huge on communication.

RB20

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Posted: 09-22-06 18:28pm


In response to: [if you are against porn, then maybe he isn't the guy for you. You shouldn't have to "deal with it" just because he is a "guy". Not all men jack off to the objectification of women. He shouldn't have to "suffer" with you either. You had the choice, not him, to abort. ] i agree that there are probably other men out there who share the same value as me about masturbating to porn. If this relationship doesn't work out then I will consider that next time. On another note, I don't assume that i, alone, had the choice to abort. We talked and made that choice together. Just like the conception itself, I belived it was both our choice.

Sunflower_pie81

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Posted: 09-25-06 12:25pm


Hun, masterbation is normal, the need to feel release is normal. I guess since you weren't able to accomidate him he dicided that he would take another route. Like purest green stated at least it was with a computer girl instead of some hussy off the street. At least he didn't cheat on you. You are going thru a time right now. I understand that you want him to feel what you are going thru . But you know hun, he will never know what you are going thru. I really don't think that he was wrong, I am sure that he thought it was fine to take care of his need because he knew that you wouldn't be able too. He may not have wanted to pressure you into having sex because he knew that the doctor had told you guys not too. Masterbation is perfectly normal, to porn or not, but talking about it isn't really normal to most men. I dont' think that you should be all worked up about his masterbation miscommunition.

Moo

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Posted: 09-25-06 13:39pm


I personally have no problems with porn but I think if one partner has a problem then it should be talked about. I'm going against the grain here but I do think your bf was being insensitive - he probably didn't realise but I can understand why you'd feel hurt

Cambion

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Posted: 09-25-06 16:58pm


Please don't be upset when I say this, but I think you may be overreacting a little bit. Even in the best relationships with the best sex, partners may still feel the need to masturbate. Your boyfriend doesn't masturbate to porn because he has lost interest in you...What he's doing is merely a means of relief, rather than pleasure. If all he needed was his hand and a computer to make him happy, he wouldn't be with you. May I ask you something? Would you rather he be masturbating to porn of other women, or having sex with other women behind your back? I understand you kind of want someone else to suffer along with you, but just because you're healing from your abortion doesn't mean he's going to automatically be turned off until you're fully healed. As great as that would be, the male body doesn't work that conveniently in any case, if it's really really bugging you, have a talk with your boyfriend about this. Do keep in mind that asking a man to refrain from masturbating would be like asking the pope to refrain from prayer.

Tylanas

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Posted: 09-25-06 23:01pm


Um just a suggestion but.. Just cause you can't have sex doesn't mean you can't get enjoyment (wven without masturbation) from giving him oral. I personally get a lot of pleasure from making my guy totally submissive. Then again, that's how we do oral. Many couples have a stupid view of it, and the male ends up being in control and then the whole act becomes degrading. Then he wouldn't have the need to masturbate to porn. This is what I do during my period, since I refuse to have sex while "on the rag" also... What about in the shower? For just you I mean, and just external, clitoral stimulation. I don't see how that could possibly introduce disease into the vagina or uterus.

RB20

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Posted: 09-27-06 23:46pm


In response to:he may not have wanted to pressure you into having sex because he knew that the doctor had told you guys not too. Reply:i hadn't thought of that. Thank you for the response. In response to:i'm going against the grain here but I do think your bf was being insensitive - he probably didn't realize but I can understand why you'd feel hurt reply:when I confronted him it did seem clear that he hadn't even realized it would affect me the way that it had. Thank you for at least sympathizing with the hurt I felt. In response to:so you made a choice to get pregnant? Wow. That is a new one. You got pregnant on purpose to abort? Reply:no, I meant that the careless action that lead to the conception was both of our choice. We both knew it was careless and could lead to conceiving. That was not my choice alone. It took two to perform the careless act of having sex unprotected. The pregnancy was not planned. Although, we should've both known better. In response to: and no, it was only your .C.H.O.I.C.E. You just chose to allow your boyfriend to have a voice in your option. Reply:i disagree. I believed since we both made the careless act that we both should agree on how to handle it. We sat down together and talked about the decision. In the end, I choose to take the pill that caused the abortion to take place, yes, but he was with me every step of the way and if at anytime he disagreed, I would've stopped and valued his opinion just as much as my own. In response to: your boyfriend doesn't masturbate to porn because he has lost interest in you...What he's doing is merely a means of relief, rather than pleasure. If all he needed was his hand and a computer to make him happy, he wouldn't be with you. Reply:when I confronted him he did mention that it had nothing to do with his feelings of satisfaction with me. He made it clear that he was sexually satisfied with me and that it was just easily accessible at the time for him to look at porn and take care of himself in that manner. This did make me feel better about the situation. In response to: i understand you kind of want someone else to suffer along with you, but just because you're healing from your abortion doesn't mean he's going to automatically be turned off until you're fully healed. As great as that would be, the male body doesn't work that conveniently reply:i understand now how much the abortion affected his attraction to me and his feelings sexually towards me in the healing process. He also admitted he felt guilty about getting me pregnant and that in itself turned him off from sexual activity until I get on a form of birth control. In response to:in any case, if it's really really bugging you, have a talk with your boyfriend about this. Do keep in mind that asking a man to refrain from masturbating would be like asking the pope to refrain from prayer. Reply:i like your sense of humor! In response to:just cause you can't have sex doesn't mean you can't get enjoyment (wven without masturbation) from giving him oral. Reply: I would've been more than happy to do this but he failed to communicate to me. I was too occupied with the abortion itself to even think of this on my own.

RB20

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Posted: 09-27-06 23:49pm


Thank you for all the responses..And for being honest! I appreciate all the thoughts, ideas and suggestions. I had a long talk with my boyfriend about it and feel more comfortable with the situation. Any more suggestions or responses would still be well appreciated! -rb20

diamondsz

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Posted: 09-28-06 10:40am


I think there is nothing wrong with a man looking at porn as long as it does not become abused as in 24/7, men need to be sexually pleased and a relatioship consists of 50/50. Honestly like eiri said, if you dont want him watching porn then why not do it for him and hell probally appreciate it more. After you have a kid you cant have sex for 6 weeks, your only asked not to do anything for 2 weeks be happy about could be worse right.