Miscarriage and Stillbirth Forum

It's normal to feel shock, grief, depression, guilt, anger, and a sense of failure and vulnerabilty when you lose a pregnancy. The days, weeks, and even months following a loss can be incredibly difficult and painful — even more so if this wasn't your first pregnancy loss, or if you carefully planned this pregnancy and thought you'd done everything "right." or you may simply feel withdrawn and moody and unable to concentrate or sleep.

• give yourself time to heal. Don't pressure yourself to get past the sadness quickly. Your healing will be more complete if you deal with your grief as it comes. You may find yourself reliving the pain, especially around your due date or other milestones. Over time, things will change and you'll feel better.

• don't expect your partner to grieve in the same way. If your partner doesn't seem to be affected by the loss as deeply as you are, understand that men and women grieve differently. While women tend to express their feelings and look for support from others, men tend to hold their feelings inside and deal with loss on their own. Likewise, men often feel they need to take care of their partners by remaining strong. So don't misread his stoicism as not caring about you or your loss and don't judge yourself for not coping as well as he does. Share your feelings and your needs with your partner but give each other the freedom to experience the loss in your own way.

• don't close yourself off from others. Although it may seem painful to talk about, sharing your story will allow you to feel less alone and help you heal. You may be surprised by how many of your co-workers, cousins, neighbors, and friends have their own stories of loss and healing. And you may find understanding and support from unexpected people — which can help make up for the fact that some people you expected to understand don't seem to get how much you're hurting. Someone who hasn't gone through what you're going through really can't know what it's like. Most people want to say something comforting but don't know what to say. Try not to take it personally if they say the wrong thing or nothing at all.

• get support. Ask your doctor or midwife about pregnancy-loss support groups in your community. It may take a while to find one that suits you, so don't get discouraged if you don't like the first one you try. Find out in advance about the people in the group to see if you'll fit in. (have most of them had early or late miscarriages? Is it a group coping primarily with stillbirths?) you may also want to seek out a professional counselor to help you grapple with the difficult emotions you're experiencing right now and, ultimately, to come to terms with your grief.

Hey Ladies...