My mother-in-law is abusive, but thinks
she is helpful, when she is really a
bully. I try not to fall into her trap,
but lately, she has become even more
demanding. I do not let her opinions
define me and can usually ignore her
comments or address them in a polite
manner without being pulled into a fight
with her. (f.Y.I., my husband is an only
child and is still struggling with how to
deal with his mother.) I have read the
following article and it covers part of
the situation:
http://eheal
thforum.Com/health/profile.Php?Mode=activa
te&u=79865&act_key=7b79b0972e6b
as I mentioned, the situation has now
changed, because my father-in-law has
recently retired. I believe her
expectations of what their relationship
was instantly supposed to be and her
insecurities have caused her to bully even
more.
When they go out to dinner and he speaks
to/or someone speaks to him, she instantly
becomes jealous and makes inappropriate
comments or obviously kicks him under the
table to signal that he should stop
talking. Even if it is a man speaking to
my father-in-law... In that case, she
will loudly say that the only reason this
guy is taking to her husband, is because
he is gay and looking to pick him up.
If she makes a comment and everyone at the
table ignores it, she continues in a back
handed compliment which openly conveys her
critical opinion of the current
conversation, person, etc. If someone
(like myself, my husband or father-in-law)
makes a suggestion that her comment/action
is not appropriate or tries to change the
subject, she states loudly that they (the
other person) didn't hear what she said or
loudly implies they are too dumb to know
that she was referring to them. This in
turn, usually means that we avoid going
out with her, if possible. Which leads to
excessive complaining on her part that she
is stuck at home all the time, even though
she will not go out on her own, except on
her "grocery shopping day". (she doesn't
drive because she panics easily and her
days are very structured and if things
don't follow her schedule, she becomes
flustered and panics.) if any of the three
of us bring up the last "outing" and what
happened, she denies it completely... She
didn't say that, how could you think she
would say or do those things, etc.
It all seems to be a game that she plays
to keep control and make people do what
she wants. The problem is, that we don't
really know what she wants.
Sometimes the things that she fusses about
are not rational at all, but there seems
to be no good way to deal with her.
Another example, would be just before last
christmas. My husband and I went over for
dinner. My father-in-law had put up the
outside lights that day. As we pulled
into the driveway, he was in the process
of plugging them all into one another. He
realized that he had strung one set on a
bush backwards and that there was no way
to plug it in without taking them off and
redoing it. Now, to be late for the
dinner she had prepared brings reoccuring
complaints throughout the meal, so he said
he would fix it tomorrow. She came out
and examined the lights, but she would not
let him go in until he had fixed the
lights. In the process of restringing the
lights, he noticed that the plug was
broken. So, he came in for the meal (and
complaints about how it was ruined, not
that it was, because he took so long.) he
mentioned the broken plug. During the
rest of the evening, between normal
conversations, my mother-in-law would
repeatedly interject complaints about the
ruined meal or practically cry about what
the neighbors must think about the
pathetic christmas light display.
Am I correct in thinking this is a bully
mentality? Or is it co-dependency, ocd or
what?
Any additional suggestions as to what I
should do?
