Is it conceivable that a bipolar
(clinically diagnosed and on meds) is
afraid of accepting their feelings for
another person due to the fear of eventual
heartache that could cause a severe
depression and/or possible
hospitalization?
I met a bipolar about 3 months ago. We
immediately clicked. We have spent
almost every single evening together since
then. It is hard for me to say no when
she asks to come over. I know she feels
the same too. As unhealthy as it is, we
both have stopped hanging out with our
friends to a high degree. Our
conversations have been so very intense as
i've never felt before. We started
having sex, but she insists she cannot
love anyone again (really rough breakup
last year that put her in the ward). I
truly believe that i'm capable of
supporting her through her ups and downs
for years to come as I have in the months
gone by. She's jealous when I talk to my
friends (especially those that may be
interested in me sexually), but still
hasn't given me the honor of calling her
my girlfriend.
Could this be related to her bipolarity?
Or is it just a relationship thing? I am
a loving and compassionate person at heart
and am waiting patiently for her "go"...
But is there anything I can do to convince
her that allowing herself to love is much
better than denying herself the feeling?
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 10-13-06 13:40pm
Just remind her of how great it feels.Also
tell her that she should not let her old
relationship scar her for life.Love hurts
but love is also a great thing.My x and I
just broke up,i believe he is bipolar or
depressed and he was the same as her.You
just gotta let her know how you feel and
let her take it from there.Tell her not to
let some slimeball ruin something good her
because he screwed it all up.Tell her she
deserves to be happy! : )
|
bedfor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 16 Location: London
Commitment Posted: 11-07-06 13:00pm
Hi there
i read this thread and started thinking
that maybe some of what you say may be
relevant to by bi-polar ex boyfriend. We
'split up' at the end of july and I went
away for 3 weeks. Since I have been back,
he calls me and asks to meet up. When we
do, he is so affectionate and loving I am
sure that he loves me. The last time we
met we spent a wonderful day together and
then he told me we were friends. I
couldnt understand this in view of how
affectionate he'd been only the week
before. He tells me that he is not in
love with me, but behaves quite
differently. It makes me feel tired
trying to work it out all the time, and
sometimes I think I should take things at
face value- he does not want to be with
me. We had been getting on so well
without the pressure of being in a
'relationship', but then when I give any
indication that I want something he panics
and runs away. I am not putting demands
on him, but I want to be able to behave as
I feel and not always censor it so that I
feel he is not feeling any pressure. He
told me that he had been in a relatoinship
that lasted 7 years and ended badly.
Although he has not said so explicitly I
think he went through a very dark time
then. I think he dropped out of college.
It was only some years later that he was
diagnosed with bi-polar. He has known for
about 2 years now and I am the only person
he has told outside of his family. I can
understand that he wants to avoid any
chance of going back to that dark place
again. When he split up with me he was
off work for 2 days and slept all the
time. I dont know how to talk to him
about his bi-polar. I dont want to bring
it up when he is happy. When he is down I
dont know how much he wants to talk about
it either. Any advice? When we last
'split up' I told him I had been on some
other dates bexause I was angry, but I
told him that they didnt mean anything.
Now I feel I betrayed him and he might be
really hurt.
Any advice? I dont know what I feel any
more.
|
shuddabotcake
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2006 Posts: 4
Patience? Posted: 11-07-06 13:45pm
Since the original post, i've realized in
our "relationship" that openness is very
important. I'm not sure how your ex is,
but from all the opinions i've read and
from my personal experience, if you have a
question about bipolar- ask a bipolar.
If something has been on my mind, I will
not bring it up while she is down.
Definitely wait for the good days. Try
to make it a lighthearted conversation.
You may want to say something like, "i'm
glad you seem so happy today... Can I
ask you a few things about your illness
(or whatever he refers to it as)?" once
you get to know how he's feeling inside
emotionally or are able to identify what
physical characteristics appear during
certain times, you'll be able to
understand him and how he truly feels much
more. In addition, asking him may
provide more proof that you love him and
want to learn more about his illness so
you can help him during times of stress.
As for him being scared of a relationship,
what i've also learned is bipolars tend to
not want to make plans for the future.
As ridiculous as it sounds to you and i,
they sometimes don't want to make any
promises because they don't know where
they're going to be (i.E. Hospitalized,
depressed, etc.) next week, next month, or
next year. Even if we swear to be there
during those times.
Another aspect of bipolars that i've
recently learned is they have a huge
conscience and they end up beating
themselves up over little things. So,
when you split up, he was probably so full
of thoughts and worries about you and what
you need that he didn't have the energy to
get to work. Yes, he's probably hurt,
but reassure him that you love him (don't
just say it).
Above all and in everything else i've read
and experienced... Patience is the key in
this relationship. It takes so much
time for a bipolar to adjust healthily,
both when ending a relationship and
beginning a new one.
I hope this helps
sorry so long
|
bedfor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 16 Location: London
Trying... Posted: 12-03-06 09:20am
Hi there
thanks a lot shuddabotcake for what you
posted some time back. I found it really
helpful. You sounded very patient and
open about what was happening and I often
go back and read what you wrote to help me
along. How are things with your
relationship now?
Since I last posted I let 3 weeks pass
before I contacted my ex again. I knew he
would not call me since I know he feels
bad that he is messing me around. When we
had last spoken and I said maybe we
shouldnt see each other he said that he
didnt think he would be strong enough for
that. Anyway..We met and it was lovely
but I stuck to my decision which is if he
wants us to be friends, then that is what
it will be, but with no kissing and
cuddling etc because that it what makes it
feel confusing. He agreed but at the same
time was so sweet and tender, it made it
feel so difficult. He asked me to the
cinema that same week and we had a lovely
evening again. He kept caressing me which
made it difficult but I went home. The
tricky thing is that I know he wants more
and I want more so maybe the friends thing
wont work. He wants to spend time with
me, kiss, cuddle etc, but not call it a
relationship. I find that too hard. You
were right to be patient and I am trying
to be. I feel I know him better but I
dont think he will change. Either I am
not the right person for him or he does
not want to be with anyone. I have felt
though that he has opened up to me and
that we are really close. I know that he
loves me even though he may not be in love
with me. This is why I want to try
maintain a friendship with him. Over time
I hope that it can take the form of a
proper friendship without these added
complications. It'll take time I guess.
Am I being unrealistic? My ex's behaviour
has not been as extreme as that of some of
the posts here. He is on medication, but
he stilll has times when he spends the
whole weekend in bed. Its at these times
i'd like him to call me as a friend.
Sometimes he does. Although there are
many times I think he has been selfish, he
often suddenly says something that makes
me realise that he is thinking of me. I
think he feels bad that he is behaving
like an "an problem" when he tells me he
wants to be friends . He told me we
mustnt carry on like this if it is messing
my head up. The truth it is, it has and
it does. I feel like I am walking on
ground that continually changes and I
never know what I can do. He has been
consistent in other ways. He always
answers the phone when I call, whatever he
is doing. He answers my texts in 10 mins.
He'll always meet me. He is always
affectionate to me. Its just that
sometimes he becomes very distant and it
is hard. I end up thinking only of him.
I know it's not necessarily about me, but
then I feel upset that he is feeling bad
and disconnected. Its only as this as go
on that I realise how much I care for him.
But I think he still needs to work things
out for himself a bit. I dont know what I
can do but be a friend to him. If I do
any more, I think I will feel damaged. I
do a bit already. I do think he's a good
person and I want to be with him, but I
just dont know how to do it. Although we
dont talk specifically about bipolar, he
tells me when he is really down, and
missing his family, and when he finds work
stressful etc. And I try to listen and
just be there with him. I need to somehow
make things move on. I guess what will
be, will be.
Best wishes xx
|
shuddabotcake
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2006 Posts: 4
Now It's Over....again.. But Probably For Good. Posted: 01-03-07 13:34pm
Sorry I haven't posted in so long. It
has been a complete rollercoaster with the
holidays.
Since my last post, we have separated
several times, only to return to one
another again. Yet, on new year's day,
we decided to stop seeing each other even
as friends. I'd begun to accept the fact
that she has a past love that she cannot
let go. The hurt it has caused me each
time she mentioned their name had become
unbearable. I know it's hurting us both
to not be together, but complicating
matters with love and friendship isn't
good for her not just as a bipolar, but as
a person as well. I will forever love
her and expect to talk to her again, even
if it's years from now. Most likely,
though, she'll call me within the week and
we'll be back on the same track if I don't
stay strong.
If I never see her again, I will not
regret the times we've spent together. I
have learned so much about the illness and
have found myself even more compassionate
to other people's feelings now.
It will be one of the hardest things i'll
have to do; and if you're like me
(somewhat of a co-dependent), it will be
for you also. But it isn't beneficial
for you to be mentally unstable trying to
support him. I don't want to alter your
hopes, but I was hospitalized for severe
depression the beginning of december...
I know this relationship has played a part
in my development of depression, whether
indirectly or directly. But I have
become concerned about my own mental
health. And is a major reason why it's
ending.
In closing, the best advice I have is:
communication: even if it hurts, tell
them. Even if you're scared, ask them.
Compassion: understand what they say
isn't always what they mean; however, when
statements are repeated, take it to
heart.
Patience: you already know about this
one!
No assumptions: again, ask...
Support: during low times, offer your
presence, it may be all they need to make
it through. But don't push it -
sometimes they might need to be alone.
Last, and most important; put your mental
stability first. Loving a bipolar is so
very complex. You may want to consider
seeing a therapist for your own support.
I sooo wish you the best and would like to
hear from you on your situation.
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