As of today, october 13th, I am
celebrating one year of being together
with my first girlfriend. As it happens,
we are each other's very first sexual
partners. We're looking to the future,
happy and having fun, and the sex is still
great. But there's been something that's
bothered me since we started having sex.
She never orgasms, ever.
Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to
make orgasm the whole point of our sex.
By now, I don't even really think about it
when we're getting down to business
anymore. The two of us don't talk about
it excessively, and i'm doing as well as I
can not to put any pressure on her.
However, the experience and pleasure she
gets from the sex we have is extremely
important to me; i'm generally more
concerned with her than myself in this
regard. For this reason, I still take
this objective very seriously, and i've
been doing everything I can to achieve
it.
Believe me, i've done my homework. I've
studied everything from anatomy charts to
guides on sexual technique, and absorbed
every piece of advice I could find,
including that of real-life female
friends. Of course, I have also
communicated with my girlfriend
extensively about what she likes and
doesn't like, and I observe her responses
to what I actually do as keenly as
possible. I know from how I enjoy sex
that attitude is maybe the most important
factor, and I do my best to keep
enthusiastic, enduring, positive and
pro-active during all of the time I spend
trying to please her. And when we are
going at it, whether i'm giving her oral
or manual stimulation or having vaginal
intercourse, i'll keep putting effort into
getting her off until either her interest
waivers or I just get too exhausted to
continue. This has gone on for dozens
upon dozens of hours in bed, but no orgasm
ever comes of it.
She can definitely have an orgasm, though.
She reportedly masturbates at a rate of
several times per month, and she says it's
not that hard for her when she does it.
She just can't do it with me. I've asked
her, in a very comfortable tone, what I
might do to make things better for her,
but she says that my technique is great
(this was not always the case, either).
The thing is, she really does seem to be
enjoying what I do, and quite a lot. In
fact, she's a downright horny girl. She
seems to want sex more than I do half the
time, even though she knows she isn't
going to get off from it. She goes pretty
nuts during sex, and she loves it. She
just never climaxes.
She's actually back home right now
(japan), and we're doing the long-distance
thing for a few months. Before she left,
though, something interesting happened.
We had just finished some
mutual-oral-satisfaction, and before we
did anything else, I told her I absolutely
had to go get a quick glass of water. As
I got up I didn't notice it until I was at
the door that she was stimulating herself.
I just smiled, and left real quick to get
hydrated. When I came back, she looked at
me, laughed, and said that she had just
had an orgasm. She was serious. I
laughed, too, because that's about all I
can do anymore.
I'm going to just assume that she isn't
repulsed by me somehow, and i'll be so
bold as to say that i'm good enough at
what i'm doing to be sufficient
physically. So there must be another
feeling of tension happening when i'm with
her that holds her back. She could feel
nervous, pressured, uncomfortable,
embarrassed, ashamed, all of those things.
In spite of what I said about her before,
she is still a little uneasy in some ways
when it comes to talking about sex.
She'll tell me anything and discuss
everything, but when we include the fact
that it is her who is doing these things,
she really blushes, and sometimes she
hides under the covers. I try to get
through this by being utterly open and
accepting myself, and it's gotten better,
but it still happens.
So what do you all think I should do? If
the answer is just to “live with it”,
well, i'm way ahead of you on that one.
However, if there is any hope of me
getting her off, then i'm not going to
forget about it. If any of you know how I
might move more effectively toward making
this hope a reality, I would be very
appreciative to hear your thoughts.
Thank you!
Sam
ps: I am sorry if I am intruding on the
women's health forum by posting a
male-oriented concern. It's just that I
figured women would be able to give me the
best responses. Please let me know if I
should do differently next time.
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flipper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Mar 2006 Posts: 134 Location: Texas
Thanks: 2
Thanked:2
Posted: 10-13-06 17:07pm
I think I know what you're talking about.
Weird thing about sex is, when you do it
a certain way most of the time, it gets
hard to do it any other way. I used to
be like this, though I didn't have the
problem so severely. I could orgasm, but
it was way less satisfying with my husband
than it was when I did it on my own.
It's possible that she's masturbating so
much, and has become such a pro at what
she's doing, that anything else seems to
be lacking somwhat. Do you know what I
mean? Maybe she has a certain fantasy
that she uses when she's alone, but
doesn't use it when she's around you.
That's a good thing, but since she's used
to it, it could be messing her up too. I
was very shy too when it came to my own
sexuality, so I can relate. The only
idea that I have that might work, is if
she starts letting you in on her alone
time. (when she's back), maybe you could
sit behind her while she masturbates.
With her back to you, she might not feel
as shy, since you can't really see her, or
at least she can't see you. You could
"help" her while she does this, if she'll
let you. Maybe after a few times doing
this, she'll loosen up some.
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SirSam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2006 Posts: 13
Posted: 10-13-06 17:26pm
You know, that
sit-behind-her-while-she-masturbates is a
great idea. I forgot to say that I have
tried to be with her while she does it,
and she has complied, but she stops after
a little while without climaxing. Being
behind her, however, might help her forget
about me a little more.
One more thing, though: she tells me she
always, without exception, masturbates
while lying flat on her stomach with her
face in a pillow. Not only does this make
things difficult for this experiment, but
you could also say that it puts her out of
place when we are having sex since she
can't be in exactly the same position. It
might seem like a good idea to suggest to
her to try masturbating in different
positions, but you know, one of the very
first fights we ever had (5 months into
the relationship no less) happened when I
suggested to her that she simply
masturbate more. This was before she even
told me that she did it regularly.
I've been thinking that a complete
overhaul to the way I approach sex with
her might be necessary, but that would be
a scary step for both of us. I'm not
really sure which direction I would go if
I decided to do that, but my first
inclination is to try being extremely
aggressive and dominating. She's told me
before that she likes being completely
taken in bed, going so far as to say that
I shouldn't stop when she says stop (not
that she ever does), and maybe that means
I should do more than just lead as though
we were ballroom dancing. Like I said,
though, that sounds scary and it may
completely and horribly backfire.
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flipper
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Mar 2006 Posts: 134 Location: Texas
Thanks: 2
Thanked:2
Posted: 10-13-06 18:17pm
That's interesting that she masturbates
with her face in a pillow. She could
have some shame issues regarding sex, or
she could be getting off on the low oxygen
thing, which can enhance an orgasm, but
can be dangerous. If she wants to be
dominated, that can be fun, but you'll
have to have a safe word that she can use
to make you stop when she's uncomfortable,
since the actual word stop wouldn't mean
anything.
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SirSam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2006 Posts: 13
Posted: 10-13-06 18:43pm
Well, she keeps her head tilted enough
that she's breathing just fine. But I do
think there she has some real shame
issues. Whether fixing that would involve
virtually victimizing her with aggression
or just talking it out is a tough
question. Are there any women out there
who feel like being forced into sex
permits them to enjoy it more? That
sounds silly to me, but it's me who isn't
getting anywhere.
My girlfriend is japanese, and even though
I am fairly hip to japanese culture
(majored in the language in college, have
lived there), I am sure that there are
some sex-related misunderstandings between
us because of our cultural backgrounds.
Aspects of japan's sex culture mystify me
sometimes. On one hand, the japanese
don't seem to be as open about sexual
health and frank discussion of some sexual
topics. On the other, the japanese
produce massive amounts of porn (i suspect
they have the greatest production rate of
port in proportion to their population of
any country), and japanese men don't hold
women as much more than mothers and sex
toys. I'm not really sure how this
affects the way I should deal with my
girlfriend, but I have to take into
account the kind of sex she was raised
around. Being the daughter of a single
mother, with no male siblings, doesn't
help.
Thanks for your replies!
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Kia
Supporter
Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 6594 Location: Planet Tampaxia,
Posted: 10-14-06 03:52am
Nothing to do with shame - I used to
masturbate in that same position - it puts
more pressure on the clitoris and feels
damn fine.
Take the pressure off her to orgasm - it
is not the "goal" the aim is to enjoy
making love.
Lots of women never climax with a partner
and most women don't climax through sexual
intercourse alone.
Good grief asking a shy girl to show you
how she masturbates must have just about
turned the poor lass inside out - no
wonder she didn't climax that time.
Concentrate on her enjoying sex - not
climaxing doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy
it.
If you focus solely on how to give her an
orgasm it will never happen.
When using your hands on her be gentle but
firm, and ask her if what you're doing
feels good (but not over and over again -
if she says yes - leave it at that, if she
says not really try something a little
different - i'll come back to that in a
minute).
If you change rhthym just as a girl is
starting to get those good feelings bam -
it's all gone and you might as well give
up for the night.
Always make sure she is lubricated - yes
even when using your fingers - there is
nothing worse than some guy giving you
friction burns on your clit because he
can't be bothered to use a bit of lube -
spit will do if need be, or use some
natural lube from her vagina.
A few different techniques:
gently circle around the clit but not on
it
gently rub back and forth over the clit
up/down or side/side
gently rub from the vagina to the clit and
over/around it and back again
try pushing the fleshy part of your
hand/thumb on her mons pubis (the fleshy
bit above her vagina (where the pubes
grow) while you do one of the above.
Two fingers is best at the clit (middle
two or first two depending on your
dexterity (i use middle two)) so that when
you go over the clit the really sensitive
tip of it goes in the little space between
the fingers instead of being directly
stimulated which can actually be too
intense and not pleasurable.
Get a rhthym and stick with it - if she
starts pushing up to you then ask her
(once) if she'd like a bit more pressure
or faster (the only answer you will
probably get will be uhuh - that means no
just keep doing as you are, if you get an
mmh then that means she'd like it just a
teeny bit more.
Let her control the pushing into you -
she's getting the pressure right for
herself.
And if she is a shy girl then don't try
and make conversation while making love -
geesh why do men want to talk when they
screw?
Someone talking to me is so off putting -
it's like yeah whatever lets forget it
shall we.
Some girls just like to close their eyes
(no they might not be fantasising) and
just to float away - to exclude all other
stimulus (sight, sound, etc) so their body
can focus on the feelings between their
legs.
Low lighting or darkness, maybe quiet
music or the radio just to stop the
"silence".
Also being "watched" is a total turn off
for shy girls.
These don't neccessarily apply to all
girls and the confident girls out there
will poo-poo at this completely, but for
those of us that are shy and quiet...
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SirSam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2006 Posts: 13
Posted: 10-14-06 14:05pm
Thanks for your reply, it's given me some
new things to think about and hammered in
some other things i've thought about. For
the record, though, there are two things I
should have said more clearly in my first
post. One, I don't talk about this stuff
with her while we have sex. I never do.
Most of these conversations would take
place, say, on lazy sunday mornings when
we would burn up hours just lying in bed
and talking. I'm no veteran in this game,
but I can tell how inappropriate it would
be to raise the subject in the heat of the
moment. Two, I really haven't been making
her orgasm any kind of priority while we
have sex. As you suggest is best, all I
do is try to give her the best experience
possible, and I only notice while doing so
that she never climaxes. Even outside of
sex, i've only brought the subject up with
her a very few times, and I do my best to
keep any pressure on her to a minimum. I
genuinely understand that it's not the
goal. But since it is not happening, it
probably could be happening, and it would
be a very nice thing for her, I would like
to figure out what is going on and make
the best of the situation. That's all.
The things you said that were most
interesting were in regard to how to treat
a girl who is extremely shy. Regardless
of orgasm I still think my girlfriend has
some self-loathing issues, and i'm not
going abandon the possibility of that
being the reason why she doesn't climax
with me. However, it could just be pure
shyness and embarassment that's tripping
her up. She can be pretty naughty when
she's doing something to me or when we're
having sex, but when i'm doing something
to her, she gets kind of prudish. It
could be that the focus is too much for
her. So in addition to any other
suggestions and comments, I would love to
hear about what works best for shy women.
Music for filling the silence and clouding
our own noise sounds like a great idea.
Any thoughts on good booty-music? A lot
of what I like just wouldn't fit the
circumstance, but I do have a lot of jazz
that I think would work well (big early
miles davis fan). I think she might like
something more simple and accessible,
though. Something 70's and swanky. We
could listen to some of the stuff she
likes, but, well, damn, I love this girl
like crazy, but I can't stand her music.
J-pop sucks, and j-hip-hop can be even
worse. I've got to get around that one.
What do you all listen to?
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diamondsz
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2005 Posts: 3224 Location: , Candyland-Canada
Thanks: 82
Thanked:114
Posted: 10-14-06 14:11pm
Thats what they all say, the first few
months of a relationship is beautiful and
the you cant get them to stop talking its
not like were at the game lol!!!
Anyways most woman need double stimulation
in order to orgasm, it sucks but I think
woman are just starting to realize that
sex can be enjoyable! Honestly I think
what everyone said here was great
information but the information youcan get
is by asking your girlfriend and whatever
you do dont talk/ask if shes feeling good
just listen and feel.
I had an ex who would ask me ever few
second if it was good and it was
completely annoying cause id get all
worked up loose my train of thought and
have to start over again.
Another thing wine is the best thing to
loosen up with, if your woman doesnt drink
get her to take a bath, give her a massage
and slowly after a few minutes start to
feel her up!
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Kia
Supporter
Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 6594 Location: Planet Tampaxia,
Posted: 10-14-06 14:24pm
Lol yup a couple glasses of wine is good -
not drunk but just relaxed.
Personally i've found the radio on real
low volume is good enough - i'm not
listening to it - it's just killing the
silence is all.
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SirSam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2006 Posts: 13
Posted: 10-14-06 21:24pm
Don't worry, I generally keep my mouth
shut unless I sense something is wrong.
I've also had pretty good discussions with
her about what she likes and doesn't like.
I've asked her if there is anything she
wants me to try or to do differently, but
she's given me pretty much all of her
ideas. So essentially, communication
about her needs is, to the extent of my
ability at least, pretty sufficient and
appropriately carried out.
You know, alcohol sounds like a good idea,
except that like most japanese, my
girlfriend turns red all over with a
little alcohol, and in her case, it makes
her physically uncomfortable. We're going
to have to do without that. A bath sounds
like fun, though.
thats what they all say, the first few
months of a relationship is beautiful and
the you cant get them to stop talking its
not like were at the game lol!!!
huh?
Anyway, thanks again for all replies.
Please, if anyone else has anything else
to say, don't hesitate to say it!
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MissTiddlypeeps
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 4 Location: manchester
Re Posted: 10-23-06 16:55pm
I am 26 years old and I had my first
orgasm with a man about 5 months ago,i
lost my virginity when I was 16 and have
only ever been able to reach orgasm by
masturbation up until now.My problem I
think was the men...They seemed to just
want to get it over n done with, since I
can only reach orgasm through clitoral
penetration I never spoke up about it,
even thought I was a little strange.My
current partner asked me to masturbate in
front of him ( first time lights dim n a
couple of vodkas lol) and now I do it all
the time ( sober n lights on).Perhaps she
isnt comfatable talking about it,i wasnt n
it took a long time before I realized - it
isnt weird or uncommon its just one of
them things.Why dont you start by asking
her to masturbate whilst you are listening
in the room next door? N slowly work your
way to watching her once you know she is
fully comfortable with it?...I dont know
what else to suggest...Just be patient and
understanding and hopefully things will
work out. Take
care and good luck!!!!!!!
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Kia
Supporter
Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 6594 Location: Planet Tampaxia,
Re: Re Posted: 10-24-06 02:32am
misstiddlypeeps
wrote:
i can only reach orgasm
through clitoral
penetration
ouch
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SirSam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2006 Posts: 13
Posted: 10-28-06 21:44pm
Don't even get me started on what I think
of the herbal sex-therapy industry.
What I really wanted to say, though, was a
quick thanks to misstiddlypeeps. Sorry
that I didn't notice your post earlier.
When I go see my girlfriend for a month
this winter (got the plane tickets!) i'll
see if I can't try what you suggested. It
sounds like good advice indeed.
ouch 