Confused Guy Needs Some Girls Advice Posted: 10-27-06 12:13pm
Hey, i'm derek(20) and i'm posting a
question related to my recent girlfriend
who is 18. Thank you so much to anyone
out there who is willing to read my post
and give my some advice... Youre
wonderful!
About 3 weeks ago I met a beautiful girl
at the cash register of borders
bookstore... Where I work. Turned out
shes my neighbor... Never met her.
Wierd! Anyways... I'm definately not
one to jump into a relationship... But
she was my best friend overnight... And
we understand eachother in all the ways
that we've never been able to find someone
to understand before, etc, etc, etc- i'll
skip the mushy rant and get to the
point.
She told me something (among other things)
that she wont tell many people. Shes
bulimic and I don't know what I should and
should not do. At first I thought it
wasnt my place to even ask her about it,
that I should wait and let her talk to me
if she decides to further... But it's
come up in other ways. I've spent
countless hours reading up on the
condition and I feel like i'm missing the
point... Like i'm not understanding
whats infront of me. She said something
that really horrifies me... That she
associates me with her bulimia... Like
i'm part of it... Almost like I cause
it, or make it worse. She also told me,
choking back tears, that she feels wierd
in her own body around me (exact words).
But this would be a good time to mention
that she's an extremely fit, thin and
beautiful girl and she knows it too. I
assume that she normally purges by
vomitting, but she's also obsessive with
working out... Running 4-5 miles a day
(which alone is fine and I do that with
her) but then she will be on a tread mill
later and at the gym swimming, etc, etc...
I'm forgetting what my question is...
I guess I just want some ideas on whats
going on in her head. Mostly in
relation to me... And how I effect her
situation. I dont see it being a matter
of wanting to look good, she knows she
does, and it's not anything related to
wanting to impress me... We normally
hang out in pajamas and i've yet to see
her put effort into make-up or her hair
for me other than a formal dinner date.
Further details....
- shes attending a eating dissorder clinic
regularly and recognizes/hates her
condition
- shes been very hurt in previous
relationships, even physically abused
- shes a perfectionist, and a very high
achiever (so am i), currently stressing
day in and out over an application to
annapolis naval academy (no, im not
kidding)
- shes afraid to be close to me... Its a
double edged blade- something that seems
to be completing her life and
simultaneously destroying it.
- she feels that her bulimia and focus on
school are reasons that she doesnt deserve
me... And it's very close to becoming
the reason we break the relationship off
early before we get even more attached...
But all i've been wanting all along is to
help her achieve her goals... I'm happy
if shes happy... Because i've already
gotten into the school I wanted and it's
like watching a mirror of what I went
through... Stressing over every detail
of an application.
- we read eachothers minds without even
looking at eachother
- I love her, she knows it, I can tell by
looking at her, I havnt said it because
i'm afraid putting it out in the open is
too much for her fragile state.
Any thoughts on anything? Feel free to
ask me questions... Ill check in
regularly to give further details if it
would help.
Derek
|
roxiegrl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 4 Location: long beach
Posted: 10-28-06 00:26am
Derek-
i have been in years of therapy for
bulimia and the one thing I really learned
is that an eating disorder is a means to
"bind" anxiety. Your girl probaby feels
somewhat anxous around you, therfore,
triggering thoughts of binging and
purging. Her eating disorder has nothing
personal to do with you! Bulimia is how
we manage our feelings. The best thing
for you to do is be a good listener, don't
judge or criticize. Whatever you do,
don't try to manage her eating disorder-
it makes it worse. Don't ask if she has
eaten and don't follow her to the
bathroom. This is her eating disorder not
yours- let her mange it. Just be
suppotive.
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PassionFlowerLover
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2006 Posts: 23 Location: US
Posted: 10-29-06 17:56pm
I completely agree. Dont make it a huge
deal around her. Its already constantly
on her mind. Just by being around her and
accepting who she is will help. I'm sure
you already do that, but of course it will
take a lot of time.
You cant make her help herself; only she
can. All you can really do is be there to
support her through it all.
Relationships already take so much time
and effort ~ so know that this one will be
that times two! Although if she's as
special as she seems to be to you, it will
all be worth it.
|
jessfanem
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 27
O How Well I Can Relate Posted: 10-30-06 11:43am
Derek--
i know you want advice on your specific
situation however I feel relating my
personal experience which is similar to
your gf's will be of more help in you
understanding her. But I could simply be
off as I don't know your gf. Anyway I
hope something I say can help you.
I just got released from a inpatient
clinic in which I stayed on an eating
disorder and self injury floor. I was
around about 20 girls all day long who
suffered from ed. If you don't already
know ed stands for eating disorder:) I too
have begun an ed which sometimes consists
of purging and most of the time is just
restriction of food and excercizing. I
have a personal trainer who regulates my
calorie intake, however I intentionally
eat less then her recommends. He
encourages me to use a natural laxative
that is called colon cleanse. However I
don't feel that I use it for the right
reasons. I constantly obsess over my
weight even though I have an eight pack
and look extremely fit to everyone else.
Part of the reason why (this is the part
you will probably find most useful) is
because I have a boyfriend that I have
been dating for almost eight months that I
associate my ed with. (i know she had
the disorder before you met her however I
relate my disorder to him not blame him
for having it) the reason is this: he is
extremely good looking and concerned with
his appearance. He eats very healthy and
is motivated toward working out even more
than myself...This creates for me a
feeling of relating. Even though he
doesn't have an ed (like you don't) he
does care about appearance and body image
(as you do) I too feel extremely connected
to him and just his acknowledgement of my
problem is aid to me. He encourages me
to "eat healthy" like he does and I still
get the feel good relatedness from mocking
his healthy lifestyle. My ed does not
completely go away and of course I try to
eat less then him and still stress over my
body image, however it keeps me close to
him and as intimately involved in my ed as
can be. I reccomend that you don't
ignore it, however don't bluntly point it
out. Be there for her, compliment her
looks, and compliment her healthy eating
when applicable. You sound like a good
guy who loves his gf alot. Go ahead and
tell her when your comfortable...The two
of you together will be stronger and you
will get through. Go with your gut and
don't push away. What is meant to happen
will and I hope my personal experience
aids you in some way. Good luck
