Desperately Seeking Anyone's Advice/opinion On This, Plz. Posted: 11-14-06 12:31pm
My boyfriend and I have been going through
some difficult times lately, I try to talk
to him about the problems, but he keeps
bringing up past issues and saying they
are relevent to the arguement at hand
(which most of them are not). As a couple
we never go anywhere together. I offer to
take him to dinner, or ask if there is
something he would like to do and it's
always no. When he would go and race at
the local race track on saturday's I
always went there and supported him. But
he doesn't support me when I bowl on my
league on wednesday nights, he says why
should he because out of his 25 races I
missed 3 (that was due to me having no
money to get in). I am not blaming him
for all the problems/arguements in our
relationship, but I am one to talk thing's
out and not go to bed angry. He on the
other hand tends to hold grudges and carry
resentment, also likes to bring up past
hurts. Now to the part where I think he
may be unfaithful or thinking about it.
One day I came home from work and saw his
computer on the table half open, like he
was hiding something. He was on the phone
at the time with his back to me so he
couldn't see me. I opened the computer a
little bit (yes I was being nosy) and
noticed he was on a site called "craig's
list." I also noticed he has typed in
'erotic encounters.' I was speechless .
He got off the phone and knew I looked at
the computer screen. He said he was
"looking for a sofa on craig's list and
came across that by accident." he has done
this type of thing before in the course of
our relationship. He has gone on escort
sites, porn sites, yahoo personals, and
sexual chat rooms. I told him how I felt
about him doing that the first time I
found out, and he said he didn’t mean
anything by it and he was just curious,
also he wasn’t looking for anyone to do
those thing’s with. Then when I found
out he was doing it again (erotic
encounters) I tried talking to him again
about it, how I feel that is emotional
cheating but he just kept bringing up how
I hurt him in the early stages of the
relationship. The hurt he is talking
about is when we were first intimate (but
we hadn't begun dating yet, just were
"seeing each other" briefly) he asked who
was more endowed he or my ex b/f. I was
honest and told him "although my ex may
have been a little bigger, you are more
passionate, make me feel thing's i've
never felt before, you are definately more
better and you know what you are doing." I
honestly didn't think we were going to
begin fully dating, as he said he wasn't
ready for a full blown relationship.
Anyway, he and his ego has been hurt by
what I said (which was over 2 yrs. Ago) I
apologized to him for hurting his
feeling's and I never meant to. I know I
should have thought before I spoke, and
considered his feeling's and I do regret
what I said to this day; as he never lets
me forget it. Ever since then I always
praise him in everyway possible, which is
true.
Anyway, I never cheated or gone on those
kinds of sites. He said “you hurt me,
now it’s your turn so deal with it.”
he blamed me for him going on those sites,
he said that if I was there for him more
(not intimately speaking) he wouldn’t
have to do those things. Then later on he
said that it wasn't me, it was him just
being curious. I try my butt off to be
there for him in everyway, but it isn’t
good enough. If he wants to discuss
something, he says I don’t say the
“right things” at the “right
time.” i’m constantly working at that.
I told him that I was doing everything I
could to be there for him more in every
way, and i’m trying to strengthen our
relationship. With him going on these
type of sites I can't help but wonder if
he may cheat. I also feel this is
emotional cheating. I can understand men
liking the nasty movies, but escort sites
and looking up erotic encounters is a
different story. I think if he is looking
on those types of sites he may cheat, or
is thinking about cheating. I don't
believe he came across "erotic encounters"
by accident. This really hurts me. I
came home 2 days later after it happened
and I was still upset and he said "i will
not be made to feel uncomfortable in my
own home." I told him I don't like to feel
uncomfortable either, then he told me "get
over it, just like I had to get over the
hurt you caused me." how would you feel?
Do you think he is or may cheat? Any
advice is appreciated, thank you.
|
Mommy35
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 3165 Location: Vacationland, USA,
Posted: 11-14-06 12:55pm
It sounds to me like he is ashamed of
going onto porn sites. Especially if he
is making up a lie to cover it up. Just
because he is going onto these sites
doesn't mean he is or even will cheat on
you. Maybe he feels inadequate and is
looking for tips.
From what you are saying you are kissing
this guys butt and all he is doing is
making you feel bad, and making you think
everything is all your fault.
The next time he gives you the guilt trip
about the statement you made about your
ex's endowment, tell him he shouldn't ask
questions he doesn't know the answer to.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Stand up for yourself and know that you
don't deserve to be treated like his
doormat.
I know he goes on porn sites, what I don't
approve of is escort sites (women who are
looking to do whatever with a man), yahoo
personals, sexual chatrooms, and looking
up "erotic encounters." he said that it is
my fault he feels inadequate and insecure
about himself, and he never has until he
met me him
going on these types of sites just make me
wonder if he is thinking about doing it.
He also has numbers in his cell phone with
no names, and claims he doesn't know who
they are.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 11-14-06 14:23pm
Wow, in my opinion he is blowing what you
said (early in your relationship) waaay
out of proportion! He asked the question
and if he didnt' want the answer he
shouldn't have asked and you should tell
him that. He only hurt himself by asking
and you were only being truthful! He has
no right to use what was said as an excuse
for his own bad behavior or trying to
bring it up to make you feel bad. Trust
me,i've been there. I think you need to
stop trying so hard. Why put 110% into
something and he isn't? You need to use
tough love on him. Tell him what I just
told you and say "i'm sorry it hurt but
you asked and I told the truth. If youw
ant to act like a child about it, go sulk
by yourself until you feel better.". You
said nothing wrong, in fact you couldn't
have said it any better! If you let him
have control of you he will do it. Stay
strong and trust me, when he tries to ay
the guilt trip on you tell him its not
gonna work abd you don't feel bad. It may
take a while but he'll straiten himself
out! Hope everything gets better!
|
Makoto
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jul 2006 Posts: 263 Location: Japan
Posted: 11-15-06 10:22am
He is a jerk. A selfish jerk. Get out of
the relatioship. He loves himself and not
you.
|
broken guitarist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Calgary AB.Canada
my boyfriend and I have been
going through some difficult times lately,
I try to talk to him about the problems,
but he keeps bringing up past issues and
saying they are relevent to the arguement
at hand (which most of them are not). As
a couple we never go anywhere together.
I offer to take him to dinner, or ask if
there is something he would like to do and
it's always no. When he would go and
race at the local race track on saturday's
I always went there and supported him.
But he doesn't support me when I bowl on
my league on wednesday nights, he says why
should he because out of his 25 races I
missed 3 (that was due to me having no
money to get in). I am not blaming him
for all the problems/arguements in our
relationship, but I am one to talk thing's
out and not go to bed angry. He on the
other hand tends to hold grudges and carry
resentment, also likes to bring up past
hurts. Now to the part where I think he
may be unfaithful or thinking about it.
One day I came home from work and saw his
computer on the table half open, like he
was hiding something. He was on the
phone at the time with his back to me so
he couldn't see me. I opened the
computer a little bit (yes I was being
nosy) and noticed he was on a site called
"craig's list." I also noticed he has
typed in 'erotic encounters.' I was
speechless . He got off the phone and
knew I looked at the computer screen. He
said he was "looking for a sofa on craig's
list and came across that by accident." he
has done this type of thing before in the
course of our relationship. He has gone
on escort sites, porn sites, yahoo
personals, and sexual chat rooms. I told
him how I felt about him doing that the
first time I found out, and he said he
didn’t mean anything by it and he was
just curious, also he wasn’t looking for
anyone to do those thing’s with. Then
when I found out he was doing it again
(erotic encounters) I tried talking to him
again about it, how I feel that is
emotional cheating but he just kept
bringing up how I hurt him in the early
stages of the relationship. The hurt he
is talking about is when we were first
intimate (but we hadn't begun dating yet,
just were "seeing each other" briefly) he
asked who was more endowed he or my ex
b/f. I was honest and told him "although
my ex may have been a little bigger, you
are more passionate, make me feel thing's
i've never felt before, you are definately
more better and you know what you are
doing." I honestly didn't think we were
going to begin fully dating, as he said he
wasn't ready for a full blown
relationship. Anyway, he and his ego has
been hurt by what I said (which was over 2
yrs. Ago) I apologized to him for
hurting his feeling's and I never meant
to. I know I should have thought before
I spoke, and considered his feeling's and
I do regret what I said to this day; as he
never lets me forget it. Ever since then
I always praise him in everyway possible,
which is true.
Anyway, I never cheated or gone on those
kinds of sites. He said “you hurt me,
now it’s your turn so deal with it.”
he blamed me for him going on those sites,
he said that if I was there for him more
(not intimately speaking) he wouldn’t
have to do those things. Then later on
he said that it wasn't me, it was him just
being curious. I try my butt off to be
there for him in everyway, but it isn’t
good enough. If he wants to discuss
something, he says I don’t say the
“right things” at the “right
time.” i’m constantly working at that.
I told him that I was doing everything I
could to be there for him more in every
way, and i’m trying to strengthen our
relationship. With him going on these
type of sites I can't help but wonder if
he may cheat. I also feel this is
emotional cheating. I can understand men
liking the nasty movies, but escort sites
and looking up erotic encounters is a
different story. I think if he is
looking on those types of sites he may
cheat, or is thinking about cheating. I
don't believe he came across "erotic
encounters" by accident. This really
hurts me. I came home 2 days later after
it happened and I was still upset and he
said "i will not be made to feel
uncomfortable in my own home." I told him
I don't like to feel uncomfortable either,
then he told me "get over it, just like I
had to get over the hurt you caused me."
how would you feel? Do you think he is
or may cheat? Any advice is appreciated,
thank you.
hello
i asked my wife (soon to be ex)the same
question years ago she answered me pretty
much the same wayyou answered him.It made
me feel great to know that I brought her
more pleasure even though the size
differed.I learned that it doesnt matter
about size its about feelings.
Unfortunatly for me my relationship is
over because she did the same thing yours
is doing she cheated on me with someone
else she is now moving out to be with
someone else
the signs you describe indicate he is
already cheating on you and you need to
take care of the situation as best you
can.In the end my wife did the same thing
brought up the past as often as she could
.You did this .You did that.You cant win,
if someone wants to live in the past .Let
them.They will hurt you in the end because
they cant let it go
i did the things you are doing and tried
my best and all I got was she left
i pay every day now for things I did 10
years ago and it cant be changed so why
relive it.By the things you ve said it
sounds like you have tried pretty much
everything in your power,i did too
best of luck and good wishes to you
|
spiritualpsb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-16-06 09:17am
Thank you all very much for your help and
advice. This has been a learning
experience.
him
going on these types of sites just make me
wonder if he is thinking about doing it.
He also has numbers in his cell phone with
no names, and claims he doesn't know who
they are. 
