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Nosoul.
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2007
Posts: 3
Location: Canada
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I Need This to End...
Posted: 01-08-07 20:12pm
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I know i'm depressed, ive read all the
topics on here. And they describe me to a
t. I used to be so damn happy. Honestly
I was prolly the happiest most outgoing
funniest guy uve ever met. I had things
going for me. I have tons of acting
awards, I have acting scholarhips.
Everyone knew me in school, most of them
in a good way. I was so friendly, alwasy
knew what to say. I was so good with
girls cuz like I just said I always seemed
to know what to say. Now?
Now im no one, not true I suppose, I still
here people talking about me saying how
much ive changed how different I am, no
one calls me anymore, no one is going to
show up to my 20th. 20!!!! Only 3 years
ago. I was me.. Darcy.. Now im. No
one. I lost my acting ability... I can't
talk to girls anymore, I have virtually no
friends, cuz I pushed them all away. I
pushed away my girlfriend, I pushed away
my family. I feel like something huge is
missing inside.. I feel fake, well most
of my emotions. I don't laugh anymore
unless its forced. I couldnt make friends
if my life depended on it. I'm so empty
inside.
I used to love life, i'de live for
excitement, ide do anything for some
thrills and laughs. Now.. I don't even
want to get out of bed, I cant hold a job,
I can't get a job, my heart feels like its
gunna burst. I need out. Now, I dream
about ways to kill myslef, and it makes me
sick that I could be so selfish. I try to
talk to people but they don't understand.
Well guess what, me neither. I don't know
why I feel like this, but its ruining my
life. Its affecting people around me
aswell, which is what I care about more.
Especially cuz I have a little brother
that really needs me. And I feel like I
can't be there for him. I feel useless,
ugly and ignored. I feel like I need
something but I can't ever find what that
something is. Theres a hole inside me. I
try so damn hard to forget that im feeling
liek this. I try so hard to be myself,
but I dont know who I am. I try so hard
to fill my emptyness with hobbies and what
not. But its hard when u don't even know
what u like anymore. If you like anything
at all. Everyone tells me im just feeling
sorry formyself. But im not, ok I hate
feeling like this I hate it. I try to do
things that people have told me to do. I
was on some antidepressants but all they
did was make me intensly anxious.
I feel like im going crazy. Around the
bend. I'm going to crack really soon I
can feel it. I can't take the hurt
anymore, I can't take the disapointment.
I feel so small to the world.. I'm
worthless.. I can't cry anymore i'm all
cried out, thats even harder. What if
someone I knew found that out. The
infamous darcy cries himself to sleep.
What would they think then? Ide lose
everyone. medical question. Where did my
self esteem go? Why does this crap happen
to people. Excuse my language. I
just...... Have so many emotions at once
its like a blur.. Its a heartache..
My heart wont stop hurting.. I feel like
I just ended a 10 year relationship.
So I think to myself. I look back... Do
I deserve this? Is this karma for
something I did? Now I feel like im
wasting whoevers time it is thats reading
this. I feel like im complaining.. Is
that what im doing? Is all of this just
in my head?
I just can't... My head feels liek its
going to explode.
Sorry if u actually read all this, I just
needed to vent.
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 229
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Posted: 01-11-07 14:56pm
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You are being way too hard on yourself and
blowing everything out of proportion.
Have you tried cbt? It has changed my
life dramatically more than I ever thought
anything could this year. I highly
recommend cbt for panic, anxiety and
depression. If you can't afford a cbt
group pick up a copy of been there, done
that? Do this! By sam obitz and start
doing the tea form exercise in it. This
is one of the two books we used in my
group. Take care and know you can get
better if you learn to think more
objectively about your self through the
cbt exercises and your self esteem will
return. The more you work on the
exercises the more relief you get, I am
still improving today. Hang in there and
let me know how you are doing.
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Fairy Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003
Posts: 1568
Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 98
Thanked:169
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Vent On Dude!
Posted: 01-11-07 15:50pm
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Thats what firends are for. You mentioned
you were on antidepressents, and all they
did were make you anxious.Sometimes it
takes "several medications or in some
cases a combination of meds. To find the
right one for you. You need to find a
physican you can be open to and tell them
the things you have written here. I hit
the big 50 this year...And have finally
found peace and enjoy life again. I
remember so well being 20, wishing I were
dead, waking up in the morning, and
literally crying becasue I had not died in
my sleep. Depression hurts....But, only
as long as you allow it. You need to take
control of your life. See a physican and
try another medication. I have been down
the road you are on and I don't want you
to have to walk it any further than you
have too. There is hope and help out
there. You just have to be willing to ask
for it. You have a little brother who
looks up to you? Now, would be a good
time to get yourself together so you can
enjoy him. We can't get back the minutes
of time.......... Keep in touch!
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 229
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trying_to_cope
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Dec 2005
Posts: 31
Location: Seattle
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Posted: 02-01-07 02:14am
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The reason you feel fake is because your
conscience realizes that you are behaving
in artificial ways to people in your life.
If you feel subserviant to authority
figures and acquiesce to them, you end up
harboring resentments towards them. Then
that resentment starts to make a home in
you, and before you know it, you have
self-doubt growing in you, almost like a
pregnancy.
There's a book by sam obitz called been
there, done that? Do this!
(www.Tao3.Com) I recommend that book
very strongly, as well as finding a
normal, healthy meditation program to
quiet your mind, so that resentment goes
away.
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cece7
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 134
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Posted: 02-25-07 23:29pm
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Nosoul, the tea form exercise in the book
by obitz is the core thought countering
exercise in cognitive training and I think
if you do them regularly you will learn to
be kinder to yourself and start to feel a
lot better soon.
P.S. I am glad I read your whole note 
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 229
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amanda1691
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Oct 2006
Posts: 30
Location: alaska
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Posted: 03-09-07 20:08pm
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do u miss someone? did u sudenly view ur
life in a new way? mabe its hormonal
imbalance.
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treacle
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 4
Location: uk
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Your Not Alone
Posted: 03-13-07 19:31pm
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i want you to know that you are not alone,
that i feel the same as you, i came on
here tonight because i needed to talk to
some1 but there is no-one.
My problem is that i know im depressed and
i need help but everyone around me who
sees me the way i am ignores it. I live
with my mum and sister and they constantly
drag me down, pick faults with me, they
dont speak to me some days and i know its
because they hate me, i no that i am far
from perfect and i probably am nasty
sometimes but they are pushing me further
and further to the edge.
I was stupid before as i tried to kill
myself twice, maybe it was a cry for help
but at the time i felt so much better with
myself because i really wanted to end all
the pain.
Then i thought i could get better, my
family would dig at me and make remarks at
what id done as if it was nothing, laugh
at me.
I have had to listen to my mum tonight
practically telling me she despises me and
that im worthless, yes ok i dont have a
job at the moment, but i have worked so
hard since leaving school. i got A levels
and a degree which my mum didnt want to
come to the graduation for, i have done
this alone, noone ever once asked me in
the 4 years during my degree how i was
getting on.
Now my sister is wanting to do a nursing
degree and all i keep hearing when i try
and give her advise about university is
that i only got a degree in fashion
design, so its im not intellegent enough
to warrant aknowlegement.
I have probably just rambled on here and
im sorry if i have, i just cant take
anymore of what i feel like is bullying,
the thing that really hurts though is that
its my flesh and blood bullying me.
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Dalek
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 7
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Hey
Posted: 03-18-07 01:22am
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Sounds like this came on real suddenly.
You need a full metabolic panel, CBC,
adrenal tests and more. Go back to your
doctor and tell them exactly what is going
on. If they won't do anything go to a
different doctor. You need to rule out all
physical causes for this depression.
It may be something as simple a thyroid or
parathyroid problem which would easily be
fixed with meds. Not like antidepressants
these meds would actually restore your
body to its normal functioning and you'll
be back to normal like you were in days
not months.
If they your doc cannot find a physical
problem go to an endocrinoligst and see if
they can find anything.
It sounds like therapy would be very
useful for you also if you can afford it.
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 229
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Posted: 03-20-07 15:40pm
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Treacle try cbt. If you work at the
exercises you will build your self-esteem
and be able to tell your family to piss
off, but you probably won't have to
because they will probably come around
once you start helping yourself feel
better.
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cece7
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 134
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Posted: 04-05-07 12:54pm
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Nosoul, I hope my advice was useful and
you are feeling better. Let me know how
you are doing when you get a chance.
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006
Posts: 229
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Posted: 04-13-07 23:59pm
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How's everything going treacle? I hope
your family has come around.
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cece7
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 134
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Posted: 05-23-07 13:39pm
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Is it correct to assume when people do not
come back with updates it is because they
are feeling better and no longer need
support? I hope it is that and not
something going the other way.
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ltlmomma4kids
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 May 2007
Posts: 11
Location: ga
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Posted: 05-26-07 12:55pm
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| cece7
wrote: | | Is it correct to assume when
people do not come back with updates it is
because they are feeling better and no
longer need support? I hope it is that and
not something going the other
way. |
are u sugesting he offed himself
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cece7
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 134
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Posted: 05-26-07 13:07pm
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Oh my heavens NO 
And I certainly hope not. I was hoping the
opposite to be true and asking people who
have been posting here longer than I have
been if that was ever the case? I know
when things first started getting better
for me I didn't feel the need to post as
often but my group therapist encouraged us
to stay "connected" and try and help
others who are where we were before we
started getting better. Sorry for any
confusion in my previous post.
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