New Member, Divorce Imminent (sp?)... Posted: 01-11-07 13:34pm
Hi everyone, i'm new to this forum and
wanted to present my situation. I've
been married several years, have 2 young
children and my wife is messing around on
me (as yet unconfirmed with the physical
nature of it, but she has admitted so far
to the "emotional affair" with a guy).
She started bringing up problems in our
relationship a couple months ago, and I
thought we were working through some
problems like most couples have, and then
I find an email to her from "him". It's
pretty suggestive and I call her on it.
She says they're "just friends" and she
enjoys talking to him. She says they
email flirt but nothing more. She says
she will end it. I check our cell bill,
sure enough, found the dude and she'd been
calling him for a couple weeks. I never
told her I found that out. I'm waiting
for the next cell bill, and if it's still
going on, it's over.
She keeps trying to distance herself from
me anyway, making things seem way bigger
then they are, and when I concede and tell
her i'm sorry and will make things right,
she has nothing to say. She's cold and
distant and is going to see a therapist
next week, but doesn't want me to go!
Can you believe that? Isn't it usually
the other way around, the woman wants the
husband to come but he won't? I'm at the
end of my rope and this is way too much
for me right now, but we're managing to be
civil with each other for the sake of the
kids.
Thats one thought I just can't have right
now, is telling them that dad is moving
out. They're so great, they don't
deserve what's coming. Anyone with a
similar experience, i'd love to hear from
you and how you handled things. Thanks
all!
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 01-12-07 08:15am
Problems in marriages don't start after a
couple months...............It's been
developing for a long
time...............Whether verbalized or
not...............Often a women will
"hint" or even say the words but if the
other party is not receptive they will not
"get it" until it's too
late..................Perhaps not what you
want to hear...................But quite
common. Maybe too late maybe
not..................Instead of waiting
for something to happen.............Maybe
you should fight fire with
fire................Email her, phone her,
leave her little love
notes.............Nothing accusing just
something to let her know you appreciate
and love her........................It'll
be difficult as your dealing with the "new
and exciting"........................But
if it's soo great............Why hasn't
anything happened??................A.
He's married or .B. He's playin
her.......................................
Whatever happens, for the childrens sake
keep it sane
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 01-18-07 11:20am
spirit
wrote:
problems in marriages don't
start after a couple
months...............It's been developing
for a long time...............Whether
verbalized or not...............Often a
women will "hint" or even say the words
but if the other party is not receptive
they will not "get it" until it's too
late..................Perhaps not what you
want to hear...................But quite
common. Maybe too late maybe
not..................Instead of waiting
for something to happen.............Maybe
you should fight fire with
fire................Email her, phone her,
leave her little love
notes.............Nothing accusing just
something to let her know you appreciate
and love her........................It'll
be difficult as your dealing with the "new
and exciting"........................But
if it's soo great............Why hasn't
anything happened??................A.
He's married or .B. He's playin
her.......................................
Whatever happens, for the childrens sake
keep it sane
believe me when I say that i've tried
paying more attention to her, and it's
been genuine, not done as part of "damage
control". She's just content to wait for
counseling at this point, says nothing in
the way she feels has changed. I'm fed
up, I find myself browsing through the
classifieds for furniture and a house to
rent. I don't purposely (consciously)
"go there", but every night I find myself
browsing!
I believe "b" above is the right
answer...What a small world it is when the
guy is also about to do business with my
company! I haven't met him yet, but he's
a salesman to the bone and my co-worker
(female) says he's quite the flirt.
For now i'm holding on to the hope that
we'll make it out of this and move forward
with our life together, and make some
great new memories. But if it is too
late, i'm preparing myself mentally for
that as well.
Thank you so much for your reply, it
helps.
|
tlm26
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 01-19-07 21:15pm
After a few years of marriage, people
become board and seek interest in other
people. This may be what your wife is
experiencing. After having two kids,
your wife may be glad that a man still
finds her attractive, and interesting.
Like many who have been in a relationship
for a long time, your wife probaly misses
the excitement of new love. Remember the
butterflies? Remember what it felt like
getting ready for your date night? All of
those feelings go away after years of
marriage. I think what your wife probaly
needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart
for a little bit so that she can decide if
this marriage is what she wants. Take it
a step further, and you set up a
counseling session and ask her to come if
she wants to save the marriage.
Be honest with your wife. Tell her how
her actions are making you feel. I think
that if you try to wine and dine her at
this time to compete with the new guy, it
may not work as much as you want it to
because she has a "new" toy. Think about
it this way: you have a special toy that
you love and cherish, and you feel
comfortable with. All of a sudden, you
get a new toy that is shiny and
interesting. Even though you love and
cherish your special toy, you are curious
about this new toy, and may neglect your
special toy for a while just to test out
the new toy.
I am not saying that what your wife is
doing is right nor am I saying that every
time a new toy comes her way, she should
play with it because it is interesting.
What I am saying is that people slip, and
people get curious. Do all that you can
to see if you can save your marriage.
Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.
Best of luck...
|
tlm26
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 01-19-07 21:17pm
After a few years of marriage, people
become board and seek interest in other
people. This may be what your wife is
experiencing. After having two kids,
your wife may be glad that a man still
finds her attractive, and interesting.
Like many who have been in a relationship
for a long time, your wife probaly misses
the excitement of new love. Remember the
butterflies? Remember what it felt like
getting ready for your date night? All of
those feelings go away after years of
marriage. I think what your wife probaly
needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart
for a little bit so that she can decide if
this marriage is what she wants. Take it
a step further, and you set up a
counseling session and ask her to come if
she wants to save the marriage.
Be honest with your wife. Tell her how
her actions are making you feel. I think
that if you try to wine and dine her at
this time to compete with the new guy, it
may not work as much as you want it to
because she has a "new" toy. Think about
it this way: you have a special toy that
you love and cherish, and you feel
comfortable with. All of a sudden, you
get a new toy that is shiny and
interesting. Even though you love and
cherish your special toy, you are curious
about this new toy, and may neglect your
special toy for a while just to test out
the new toy.
I am not saying that what your wife is
doing is right nor am I saying that every
time a new toy comes her way, she should
play with it because it is interesting.
What I am saying is that people slip, and
people get curious. Do all that you can
to see if you can save your marriage.
Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.
Best of luck...
|
tlm26
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 01-19-07 21:17pm
After a few years of marriage, people
become board and seek interest in other
people. This may be what your wife is
experiencing. After having two kids,
your wife may be glad that a man still
finds her attractive, and interesting.
Like many who have been in a relationship
for a long time, your wife probaly misses
the excitement of new love. Remember the
butterflies? Remember what it felt like
getting ready for your date night? All of
those feelings go away after years of
marriage. I think what your wife probaly
needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart
for a little bit so that she can decide if
this marriage is what she wants. Take it
a step further, and you set up a
counseling session and ask her to come if
she wants to save the marriage.
Be honest with your wife. Tell her how
her actions are making you feel. I think
that if you try to wine and dine her at
this time to compete with the new guy, it
may not work as much as you want it to
because she has a "new" toy. Think about
it this way: you have a special toy that
you love and cherish, and you feel
comfortable with. All of a sudden, you
get a new toy that is shiny and
interesting. Even though you love and
cherish your special toy, you are curious
about this new toy, and may neglect your
special toy for a while just to test out
the new toy.
I am not saying that what your wife is
doing is right nor am I saying that every
time a new toy comes her way, she should
play with it because it is interesting.
What I am saying is that people slip, and
people get curious. Do all that you can
to see if you can save your marriage.
Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.
Best of luck...
|
DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Update Posted: 01-22-07 18:45pm
Okay, here's the scoop; she's not been
cheating, what I determined as an
emotional affair wasn't that at all. We
discussed and worked that part out the
other day...She hasn't been cheating at
all, and i've confirmed that myself and
through our conversation.
So we're still distant with each other,
but i'm trying to give her space and not
rock the boat, let her sort out her
feelings and see what the next step is.
I've been daydreaming about a divorce, it
actually sounds appealing at times, but I
know that's not the case. My kids would
be devastated and nothing about a divorce
would be "easy". I know that for sure,
being a child of divorced parents.
Today she went to see the therapist, and
sent an email saying she really liked him
and thought he would be a good one. I
replied that I was glad she liked him and
that was it. I wanted to pry and ask
what they discussed, when her next appt
is, etc, but I didn't. Give her space.
Let her come to me.
I do feel i'm somewhat emotionall prepared
for a split if she requests one. But it
will have to come from her, unless this
crap goes on for several months and I just
can't take it. I'm a pretty patient guy,
and my mom is giving me a concerned ear to
bend, so I think i'm okay with support
there. I do want to go with the wife to
the therapist, and I hope she requests
that soon. She already knows I wanted to
go to the first visit, so i'll not ask
again.
Anyone out there gone the "give space"
route and had results (good or bad)? I'd
be interested in chatting you up if
so...Thanks for the ear!
|
raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 01-28-07 22:15pm
Had the same experience 25 years ago. The
best way to handle this is not to ask what
you have to do to fix things because you
didn't cause the problem, she did.
Wining and dining is not the answer. You
need to distance yourself from her
emotionally right now. Crying and blaming
yourself for something you didn't do makes
you look more desperate and pathetic to
her, which will make her resent you
because it makes her feel more guilty.
You need to take charge of your emotions,
and make her think you can do just fine
without her if you have to. You don't
need a wife that can't keep her vows after
such a short marriage. The more strong
and independant you become, the more
attractive she will find you. If she
still has love there for you, this is
usually a good way to snap her out of it.
Let her know she could lose you. Not
the other way around. After all, she is
the one who is allegedly cheating, and you
aren't. So which partner would be more
attractive to someone, a loyal one or a
cheater? If she doesn't stop what she is
doing with this other man, tell her it's
done, period. And don't bluff. You
have to be prepared to face the fact that
she may leave, but in the end, would you
want to stay with someone who doesn't love
you, and can't be trusted? Most people
wouldn't. You can be miserable alone!
Worked for me, and as I said, that was
over 25 years ago. You have to respect
yourself enough to know you will not
tolerate this kind of behavior from her.
If you are a good husband, you don't
deserve this shameless treatment. Good
luck!
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 01-29-07 19:35pm
raven53
wrote:
had the same experience 25
years ago. The best way to handle this
is not to ask what you have to do to fix
things because you didn't cause the
problem, she did. Wining and dining is
not the answer. You need to distance
yourself from her emotionally right now.
Crying and blaming yourself for something
you didn't do makes you look more
desperate and pathetic to her, which will
make her resent you because it makes her
feel more guilty. You need to take
charge of your emotions, and make her
think you can do just fine without her if
you have to. You don't need a wife that
can't keep her vows after such a short
marriage. The more strong and
independant you become, the more
attractive she will find you. If she
still has love there for you, this is
usually a good way to snap her out of it.
Let her know she could lose you. Not
the other way around. After all, she is
the one who is allegedly cheating, and you
aren't. So which partner would be more
attractive to someone, a loyal one or a
cheater? If she doesn't stop what she
is doing with this other man, tell her
it's done, period. And don't bluff.
You have to be prepared to face the fact
that she may leave, but in the end, would
you want to stay with someone who doesn't
love you, and can't be trusted? Most
people wouldn't. You can be miserable
alone! Worked for me, and as I said,
that was over 25 years ago. You have to
respect yourself enough to know you will
not tolerate this kind of behavior from
her. If you are a good husband, you
don't deserve this shameless treatment.
Good luck!
raven, thank you so much for your words,
your wisdom. I read this at the right
time. I found several emails over the
weekend between the two of them, and
confronted her with it. She lied to me
previously, said it was over back in dec,
so I told her to end it now, get into
counseling together and let's fix this.
If not, I told her I was walking out.
She sent him an email (still claims it to
be nothing physical, just phone and email)
and copied me on it, ending it. I cannot
seriously believe her now, but i'll find
out if she has contact with him again.
I'm prepared to end it at anytime, but I
do want to try counseling, to see if I can
get that trust back, the trust she ripped
away. She is the bad guy here, not me!
I will no longer cater to her, I will do
as you say and just be me and take the
good with the bad, and if she gets her
caca together, then fine. If not, i'll
be fine.
Thanks again, you don't know how much I
needed to hear your words today! You
gave me strength to keep fighting the good
fight!
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 02-02-07 21:22pm
Glad to be of help. This isn't going to
be easy. You have to be prepared for the
worst, but bear in mind that you are a
good person, and your life will get
better. Hard as it is to believe, she is
suffering too, with indecision, so you
have to be the one to make the decisions--
and not for her-- for yourself. Usually
when they do this, they keep on doing it
because we allow them to, and the reason
they don't walk out for the other person
altogether right away is because they are
uncertain, tempting as it may be, that
what is out there will be better in the
end than what they have. But the one
thing you can't do is tolerate this
inexcusable behavior from her. I would
even go so far as to tell her to leave if
it comes to that. Why should you uproot
yourself because of something she is
doing? Take charge of the situation, let
her know you still love her, but you will
not let her treat you this way, and are
prepared to end it if you have to. There
may be some tough moments getting things
back on track, and she has to know that
she must earn your trust back, and it's
not going to happen overnight. It won't
happen until she proves to you that she is
sincere. Actions speak louder than
words. Watch the things she does, they
will tell you what you need to know. God
bless and hope you can both get through
this. If there is real love still there,
you will. If not, then you haven't
really lost anything.
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 02-05-07 12:26pm
Hi again raven, and thank you again!
We are going to the therapist today and
everything is coming out...I'm not going
to hold back anything!
I'll update later today or tomorrow on
what happened. This is a great community
here and I am thankful to have found
it...More later.
D
