I'm So Frustrated W/ Myself!! [venting]

i feel like the most awful person in the world most of the time. How can my boyfriend really love a girl like me; a person so loving one minute & so angry & spiteful the next? It's been 9 mo's already since we met each other & I feel like i'm going to [be the] cause [of] the end of it all so soon. I don't want to lose him, but i'm doing a damn good job at pushing him to his breaking point.

I can't help it though. I try, I really do. But I can't control myself. I say so many hurtful things. I throw his biggest insecurities in his face & tell him how much I don't care about him. I tell him he's the worst boyfriend, when he's the absolute best. He's never hurt me or abused me, like all the others have in the past. He's never turned his back on me or stayed mad at me once I 'came around.' he gives me my space when I ask for it & comforts me when I need it most. He stands his ground, which angers me off, but at the same time, makes me so proud of him. He doesn't let me have my way just to stop my mood swing from carrying on.

:: screams!! :: i'm so doing it frustrated!! I've been crying for the last hour or so & I don't even know over what. We're talking, but i'm not being very open. It's hard to express yourself when all you feel is one of three things: anger, frustration, & complete numbness. I feel so numb. Even though I feel a whole lot of things at once, I feel nothing. I know that makes me sound crazy, but that's exactly how i'm feeling right now.

Because of me, we break up every month or so, sometimes numerous times a month. Each time, he gets hurt. Regardless of how "used to it" he should be by now, he still feels heart-broken. He understands that i'm not mentally stable or healthy, but it doesn't mean he knows how to fully deal with it. It's a lot. I takes a lot out of him. He gets frustrated, too. He gets upset, too. He gets angry, too. However, when he gets angry, he doesn't take it out on me. He gets confused. And yet - despite it all - he loves me.

How? I don't get it. How does he deal with me? Why does he deal with me? Love isn't everything. He shouldn't subject himself to this kind of daily abuse b/c he loves me. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to anyone.

We're going to las vegas on friday. Our first actual vacation together. I'm excited, but at the same time, i'm so nervous & stressed out. My anxiety it at an all time high, which means my mood swings are more frequent. I flipped out on him the other day b/c the handle on my suitcase broke off. No big deal, right? There's another handle. Well, it is a big deal - to me. I began yelling about how it's too heavy for just one handle, and how if baggage goes to pick up & it breaks [too] my stuff could fall & break. B/c clothes are fragile? Go figure that one out. Then I began yelling about how I need a brand new suitcase for my brand new clothes, b/c I don't want my new clothes to get "dirty" touching the bottom of a used suitcase.

This, everyone, is my world. Unfortunately, i'm getting worse as I get older. I'm 21-yr's old & i've been through numerous abusive relationships; sexually [esp.], verbal, physical, emotional & definitely mental - i've experienced it all. I am not seeing any doctors nor am I taking any medications. I don't have health insurance. I don't have my mom or dad close to home. I dropped out of college b/c I couldn't juggle working full-time & school. Since i've been living on my own since I was 19-yr's of age, I need money far more than I need an education. If I don't work my dead-end job to the max. I can't afford rent, car insurance, & bills. It's so hard.

I've been in the hospital once for a failed suicide attempt. I've oded on med's a couple of times, twice while I was with my boyfriend. Once I realized he wouldn't stick around if I picked up a "drug habit," I stopped. My father's a drug-addict, hardcore. He's also an alcoholic. I drink, not every day, but when I do - oh boy, do I drink. I get trashed beyond wasted. My boyfriend deals with it, but he doesn't tolerate it all of the time. Usually, he cuts me off, despite the outrageous mood swing it causes.

I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I don't understand why anyone, esp. A guy as loving & caring as himself, would want to deal with me. He deserves someone mentally healthy. Not someone who will always hurt him. Or snap at any given second.

I can't deal with myself.