Is He Here Cause He Has No One Else? Posted: 01-15-07 12:12pm
Hi there, new to the board today, just
dont know what to do anymore. Me and my
common law husband of 4 years have had
many problems over the time we've been
together, I truly love the guy and really
wonder now if he is just full of s?'t?
He calls me jeleous when I bring up my
concerns of him staring at other women so
much, alot of them are teenagers, he's 35,
that scares me. Says i'm too sensitive
when he screams at me (he has anger
issues). Talks to his work, friends, ex
wife and his mother about our personal
problems. And they react to me by being
cold, he always has an excuse for them,
says he has no one else to talk to. We
had a big fight friday night, or should I
say I got a lecture and an ultimatum.
When he said "maybe if you had blonde hair
and big boobs I would listen to you" I
made up my mind to tell him to leave, he
even suggested I let him stay in the
basement while I thought bout it for a few
days, told him to start packing. I
really dont think he expected that, he
asked if I really ment it and I said yes
cause I wont live the rest of my life like
this. He agreed to get anger management
help, and us to get couples help. So, he
stayed. This a.M we got an email from
one of his friends girlfriend, stating
pickup lines.........Thought you might
need them she says, she dont know I see
his mail too. What gets me this was sent
sunday after they all had coffee together,
I cried, am I just being taken advantage
of????????? He has no one in this area
he knows he can stay with and his only
family is thousands of miles away. He
has said that himself, even said he'd live
in the basement while I thought about it,
like he did with his ex wife and a few
other livein girlfriends, am I blind, god
I just dont know what to do now, think I
should follow through with the coulseling
or tell him to go for sure this
time?????????????????????????
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apathyjunkie75
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Nov 2006 Posts: 8
Re: Is He Here Cause He Has No One Else? Posted: 01-16-07 08:46am
The only advice I can give is get the h*ll
out. If its been bad for a long time and
your only 4 years into it..... Its never
going to get any better. If he is looking
for something to fill his voids outside of
the relationship, there is nothing you can
do for him. You are only 6 years away
from hitting the 10 years mark. Think
about 10 years of going through the same
stuff day after day. Will it be worth it?
I just gave up 11 years waiting on
something to change.... My marriage was
good for the first year and then up &
down for the next 9, and just down for the
last one. I didn't want to see the signs
a few years in, I wanted to hang in there.
11 years I can not get back. So think
about you, and what its worth to you.
I was real upset when my marriage ending,
as unhealthy as it was and as much as I
wanted to be "free" of it. I was not sure
if I really wanted it over, he was "my
best friend". I was speaking to my
therapist about it. He asked me point
blank 'you have given him 11 years of your
life, how much more do you want to give
him'? None, I didn't want to put anymore
energy into something that would never
change. I knew at that point I had to
move on.
You deserve more.
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whattodonow
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2007 Posts: 4
Re: Is He Here Cause He Has No One Else? Posted: 02-01-07 13:03pm
apathyjunkie75
wrote:
the only advice I can give
is get the h*ll out. If its been bad for
a long time and your only 4 years into
it..... Its never going to get any
better. If he is looking for something
to fill his voids outside of the
relationship, there is nothing you can do
for him. You are only 6 years away from
hitting the 10 years mark. Think about
10 years of going through the same stuff
day after day. Will it be worth it? I
just gave up 11 years waiting on something
to change.... My marriage was good for
the first year and then up & down for
the next 9, and just down for the last
one. I didn't want to see the signs a
few years in, I wanted to hang in there.
11 years I can not get back. So think
about you, and what its worth to you.
I was real upset when my marriage ending,
as unhealthy as it was and as much as I
wanted to be "free" of it. I was not
sure if I really wanted it over, he was
"my best friend". I was speaking to my
therapist about it. He asked me point
blank 'you have given him 11 years of your
life, how much more do you want to give
him'? None, I didn't want to put anymore
energy into something that would never
change. I knew at that point I had to
move on.
You deserve
more.
well I may be stupid doing this and after
one counsel session I do feel stupid. My
other half has issues from the past,
thinking if we get help it will help our
relationship. Your right though i've
been thinking do I really want to go
through this for the rest of my life,
"no". Two days after our session, his
anger management and our couple counciling
he said something so vindictive I am
having a hard time believing it. Told
him of something personal I was going to
do sunday afternoon, next day I said I
thought about it and was not going to do
it, put my priorities right I said. He
agreed, but, get this, when we got in a
fight cause I dumped the bottle of voldka,
that I bought, and told him so, he got
angry, he is the occasional drinker, I am
not, may average one a month. Then he
lashed out at me in front of the kids, his
son and my son. His vent came out about
the personal thing I was going to do, it
was a lie, I changed my mind about it, he
knew that. Back to square one, only with
a vengence. Said he was sorry as per
usual, that word means absolutely nothing
to me anymore. He thinks I harbour
things, I think he is spiteful. When its
repeated over and over again. We do have
a session next week, got a feeling he is
going to ask me if i'll bring it up, darn
right I will plus alot more things. Like
the therapist said it wont fix things over
night, hesitantly I will give it 6 months,
to see if it does any help to him or us.
Got a gut feeling it won't, find he has
narssissist traits. May regret it, but I
will know in the end I did everything I
could, whether we stay together or not.
God help him.
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babydance143
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Feb 2007 Posts: 24
Posted: 02-04-07 21:44pm
Hello whattodonow ,
i agree with the other ladies, and its
easier said than done! Seems like this
guy is just stringing your along, because
he knows in his heart you wont go! Its
hard I know, especially when you love
someone so much! I had to walk in on my
boyfriend, a few years ago, to realize
that he was no good! I didnt want to
listen, I wanted to work it out, and give
him a chance, but he didnt really want it
to work, he wanted to use me as he back up
girl! Its hard because love is def.
Blind, and men will take advantage of that
if you let them! I would say, let him
know how you feel, and tell him that he
has to go, that you need time, because
emotionally you cant do it, what hes
putting your through is not right! If you
had blonde hair and big boobs, if someone
love you, they love you for who you are!
A hair color and boobs shouldnt change
that! So I would say, from somenone who
didnt listen to her mother and best
friends, that its time to go girl, its
time to live for you, and it will be hard,
and you will cry many nights, but time
will heal all wounds! Good luck and keep
us posted.
