I'm 20 years old, hardly a baby, (though
i'm still very young) and now 17 weeks
pregnant. I've made a trip to the
abortion clinic, i've gone somewhat nuts
and had thoughts about trying to end my
pregnancy myself ( be it with herbs or
cruder methods) and i'm going quite
insane, I think.
I have the most wonderful fiance in the
world. I love him dearly, and we're to be
married next summer. He's super excited
about the little boy on the way, and my
mother, now that the shock has wore off,
is just as pleased, his family is also
consumed with baby joy. Everyone but
me.
I've made countless appointments at the
clinic, and each time, something has
happened that has deterred me. The first
time, his parents begged me to keep it,
and said I would be a murderer. The
second time, my fiances pleading got to
me, "please don't kill our baby". The
third, I was actually at the clinic and
backed out after the ultrasound for
reasons I can't even tell you. I'm not
sure why I turned away. I just ended up
going home and wasting 200 dollars on the
ultrasound fee's.
I had then made up my mind and decided to
give it another shot, and I woke up the
morning of the appt. And was gushing the
blood. I hate to say that I was hoping it
was a miscarriage. But turns out, I have
a low lying placenta and had to be placed
in the hospital.
As you can tell, i'm haven't had luck at
all with terminating, and now, I agree
with everyone, I am too far along for it
not to be cruel. Although I feel no love
or softening tward my baby, I won't let it
be ripped apart knowing it will feel pain
at such a late stage. Plus, my religious
beliefs leave me believing I will split
hell wide open in a pretty handbasket if I
do this.
I saw a therapist yesterday, and felt they
judged me when they asked what I felt
twards the baby. " I want it out of me".
I now have to go to therapy twice a week
because of my big mouth, but I figured
honestly was the best policy if i'm to
truly get help. I was diagnosed with
manic depression.
I'm going insane. God knows where this
depression is coming from, I couldn't tell
you. The shrink seems to think the
hormones are causing my brain to release
chemicals that are triggering my constant
episode. I have these horrible thoughts,
i'm driving my poor fiance and my mother
insane. I go to bed crying each night,
and fight with the urge to just throw
myself from the nearest bridge. I feel
like it's taking over my body and mind and
is draining the life from me.
I know you'll all think i'm awful, but I
hope not. I'm older than most here, and
i'm envious of all of you mothers who are
younger than me and are handling this like
the most mature adults, and with
happiness. I wish I could trade places
with you, for just one day, and maybe I
could feel sane again. I have never felt
so out of control. For my fiances sake, I
wish I could share his happiness.
The little kicks have started, and I still
feel this strange detatchment, and even
horror.
May god help me if this doesn't go away,
or i'm afraid i'll be the worst mother
ever.
I had thought before that being pregnant
would be a joy to me. Instead, something
about it has driven me nuts. Hopefully
the therapy helps. I'm really trying
this, and i'm keeping away from the
temptation to call the clinic.
Hats off to those of you that are 14 and
15 and are being supermoms about your
situations.
Have any of you ever delt with this? A
complete unwanted pregnancy on your part
that left you thinking crazy thoughts?
Don't bash, please.
I agree with tanya but concidering the
fact that its not just your baby it won't
work.You said that before you got pregnant
you thought it would be a joyous thing for
you.Maybe the horomones that have come
along with the pregnancy.Do they have you
on any meds for this? Why don't you want
your baby.
Not being rude but you might waan post
this on the abortion forum or the
depresion forum.You might get more help
and someone might be in an alike
situation! I hope things get better for
you!
|
Ingi
Moderator
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8434 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 121
Thanked:156
Posted: 01-17-07 12:52pm
What kind of medication are you on,
sweetie? This is pregnancy depression,
which is actually more common and yet not
talked about as much as post partum
depression.
Obviously it isn't 'luck' that has stopped
you from terminating. Y.O.U have stopped
you from terminating your pregnancy. Now,
actually, it is too late and no one will
do a late stage abortion on you. So you
can put that right out of your head.
You need to get onto some type of
medication and you are doing well being
honest with your therapist. You aren't
'doomed' to therapy. It may not seem like
it, but this is only a temporary state and
things will change when your hormones get
regulated again.
Oh yeah and don't think you are some evil
horrible person. A lot of people have
feelings like this, but won't ever admit
or talk about it. We live in a society
where it is almost unacceptable to talk of
pregnancy or motherhood in anyway that
isn't praising it, but in reality so many
women have these feelings. You said you
were religious, so maybe look to that for
strength. I thought a lot of the same
things as you while pregnant, I was so sad
and really just wanted my old life back.
Even after my daughter was born it wasn't
instantaneous, I spend a lot of time in
the hospital crying wanting to just give
her to someone else. Now she is 12 days
old and just in the last couple of days
have I felt like I was bonding with her,
which to some people might seem like i'm a
bad mother, or a cold person. Just know
it's very possible, and the most likely
outcome, that you will love your baby,
even though the way you feel right now
might make you feel like that is
impossible. Don't feel guilty for the
way you feel, i'm sure if you could help
it you wouldn't feel that way.
*let me clarify for everyone on here my
thoughts weren't of wanting to hurt my
baby or end my pregnancy myself, just some
really depressing thoughts about
motherhood and having my baby, and wishing
for an easy way out*
Last edited by ThriftyGal on 01-17-07 17:40pm; edited 1 time in total
|
Jules
Supporter
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3689 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 52
Thanked:57
Posted: 01-17-07 13:49pm
You're not a bad person, you are just an
unwell one; it's good that you are getting
therapy because I think that will help you
a lot. I've heard of other women
suffering the way you are and if you're
bipolar it doesn't seem unlikely that it's
the pregnancy hormones making you feel so
bad.
Keep seeing your doctor/therapist/anyone
who can help you. I don't think abortion
is what you really want - in fact, it
sounds like it may well cause you to have
a further emotional decline. I
understand that you want to feel 'normal'
again and, at the moment, you think that
means not being pregnant. Things will
get better for you with the right
treatment. Don't feel ashamed or down on
yourself; everyone gets ill! I've had
depression and social anxiety/phobias so I
understand the feeling of it all crushing
down on you but it won't always be like
this.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy
- it will be worth it!
Try posting on the bipolar board too.
|
Becky
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jan 2006 Posts: 6220 Location: London, England
Thanks: 0
Thanked:7
Posted: 01-17-07 13:54pm
I really feel for you. I am so sorry you
are going through this. I was the same
with my first pregnancy. I sent my
daughter to live with my grandma on the
other side of the country for a week and
didn't want her back. I cried when I
picked her up and they thought it was
cause I missed her but it was cause I
didn't want her back.
For the first few months her dad had her
nearly all the time. I just didn't want
her. I don't know what happened but one
day something just clicked and I realised
I did love her after all. Then I had
immense guilt and wanted to be with her
all the time.
I would consider adoption but think about
it very carefully. It is a huge decision
and one that you could regret if it is not
what you really want. Failing that you
could do what I did and get people to take
him for the first few weeks and see if it
makes a difference. You may not feel any
different. You may not want him back, in
which case adoption may be nessecary. But
it may make you miss him enough to want
him back.
Antental depression is very common and is
sometimes just blamed on hormones but you
are more likely to develop postnatal
depression and might need tablets to help
you through.
I really hope everything works out for
you. Good luck and i'll be thinking of
you.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 01-17-07 14:11pm
tanyaface
wrote:
even after my daughter
was born it wasn't instantaneous, I spend
a lot of time in the hospital crying
wanting to just give her to someone else.
Now she is 12 days old and just in the
last couple of days have I felt like I was
bonding with her, which to some people
might seem like i'm a bad mother, or a
cold person.
i thought that was odd at first but
apperantly its very common to fell that
way.It doesn't make you a bad mother
|
Sail Away
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 1170 Location: Missouri
Posted: 01-18-07 01:40am
Okay...I had ppd with both of my
pregnancies and never felt that I didn't
love either of my kids, and I never felt
the need to just want to be away from
them.
If you weren't depressed before pregnancy
i'm pretty sure that's the reason why your
so depressed, and it seems to me like all
you need is to see a doctor, get on some
meds and to get some rest.
Getting pregnant is a really big change in
a persons life...And I know how hard it is
to soak all of it up at once. But to be
seriously honestly with you...It's not all
that bad. Things may seem like the end of
the world now but your not in your normal
state of mind. Pregnancy really does do
this to some women...That's the sad thing
about it, sometimes they get lucky and get
on the right kind of medication and
sometimes they spend 9+ months having
these feelings.
You'll feel differently when your little
one is born, babies truly are the most
precious things in the world.
|
oh_mommy
Supporter
Joined: 04 Sep 2005 Posts: 3689 Location: vancouver island, bc canada
Posted: 01-18-07 02:07am
dalicialovesyou
wrote:
okay...I had ppd with both
of my pregnancies and never felt that I
didn't love either of my kids, and I never
felt the need to just want to be away from
them.
If you weren't depressed before pregnancy
i'm pretty sure that's the reason why your
so depressed, and it seems to me like all
you need is to see a doctor, get on some
meds and to get some rest.
Getting pregnant is a really big change in
a persons life...And I know how hard it is
to soak all of it up at once. But to be
seriously honestly with you...It's not all
that bad. Things may seem like the end
of the world now but your not in your
normal state of mind. Pregnancy really
does do this to some women...That's the
sad thing about it, sometimes they get
lucky and get on the right kind of
medication and sometimes they spend 9+
months having these feelings.
You'll feel differently when your little
one is born, babies truly are the most
precious things in the
world.
both pregnancys? You have more then just
brayden?
|
Sail Away
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 1170 Location: Missouri
Posted: 01-18-07 03:00am
oh_mommy
wrote:
dalicialovesyou
wrote:
okay...I had ppd with both
of my pregnancies and never felt that I
didn't love either of my kids, and I never
felt the need to just want to be away from
them.
If you weren't depressed before pregnancy
i'm pretty sure that's the reason why your
so depressed, and it seems to me like all
you need is to see a doctor, get on some
meds and to get some rest.
Getting pregnant is a really big change in
a persons life...And I know how hard it is
to soak all of it up at once. But to
be seriously honestly with you...It's not
all that bad. Things may seem like the
end of the world now but your not in your
normal state of mind. Pregnancy really
does do this to some women...That's the
sad thing about it, sometimes they get
lucky and get on the right kind of
medication and sometimes they spend 9+
months having these feelings.
You'll feel differently when your little
one is born, babies truly are the most
precious things in the
world.
both pregnancys? You have more then
just brayden?
yeah!! A lot of people know about it on
here but I guess I don't talk about it
enough for .E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. To know.
I had a baby really young actually, a
girl. I gave her up for adoption. I
still see her sometimes and talk to her
often
haha silly girl!!
|
Becky
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jan 2006 Posts: 6220 Location: London, England
Thanks: 0
Thanked:7
Posted: 01-18-07 06:37am
dalicialovesyou
wrote:
okay...I had ppd with both
of my pregnancies and never felt that I
didn't love either of my kids, and I never
felt the need to just want to be away from
them.
everyone is different, d
|
Sail Away
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 1170 Location: Missouri
Posted: 01-18-07 09:08am
beckster06
wrote:
dalicialovesyou
wrote:
okay...I had ppd with both
of my pregnancies and never felt that I
didn't love either of my kids, and I never
felt the need to just want to be away from
them.
everyone is different,
d
well yeah I kinda realize that lol.
|
Becky
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jan 2006 Posts: 6220 Location: London, England
Thanks: 0
Thanked:7
Posted: 01-19-07 13:34pm
Just stating the obvious for ya
|
Sail Away
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 1170 Location: Missouri
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