Relationships and Marriage Forum - I Don't Know What to Do After Losing One Child

Hello. I give my deepest regards to you and your family. Coming from a family that has also lost a child, my younger sibling, I can greatly understand where you are coming from, though I was not in a parental role. I can completely agree with the previous post. I strongly encourage you and your husband to seek out professional help. In fact, I recommend help for everyone in your family. Losing someone so young can have effects on the children too. When we lost my sister, my parents attended support groups and to this day I truely believe that it was that support that saved their marriage. Attending support groups inspired my parents to actually lead their own support meetings and they have received countless accounts of their impact on families. It is often possible, though sometimes not noticeable at first, that something very good can come from something so tragic. It is never fair that a young person must die so young, however, we must recognize that God has a greater plan and can direct that pain into something far better than we imagined.
Growing up, my parents often reminded us that, as silly as it may sound, our family's love was the last thing that was left unchanged by my sister's death. Our family was the last physical bit left of the hopes that we had for our family originally and if we were to not be a unit, the only still standing part of her would no longer exist. Oddly, my parents attest that this form of keeping her memory alive is the only way that they have beaten the odds of staying together after the death of a child.
I also want to call to your attention the attitudes of your surviving children, though I realize they have never left your mind. As I saw and experienced the grief of my parents, I believe that I began to comprehend something that many people never fully can comprehend until they themselves are a parent. I saw what extreme pain they felt with the loss of my sister and could very easily relate those same feelings to what they felt about their remaining children. They loved her so much. Only at seeing the extreme sorrow for her did I finally realize how truly loved I was. I am sure that your children have experienced much of the same realizations. It's odd how children can pick up on emotions yet some of us, like your children and myself, are now the lucky ones that can see how much we are loved. Something terrible can actually teach us the hardest, yet most passionate lessons that you will ever have. I consider myself to be incredibly lucky to be able to understand the love of my family and to have already come to terms of the ideas of death and life. The death of a sibling can be just as heart wrenching as a death of a child, at least I believe considering I have yet to have children. I encourage you to have them attend some sort of activity where they will start to come to peace at what has happened to them. They will see everything that you do and so so very much of their perceptions of life and of love are being formed right now. In all of the things that I have learned or experienced in my life, that one defining moment has formed who I am.
Please know that I know where you and your family are coming from. I understand that this is by far the worst and hardest thing that you will ever go through. Also remember that as time passes the grief will always be there but the passion for life and love will return. As time passes things will actually get easier. It won't be long until you can look back to the memories of her and smile knowing that she has taught you so much more from up above. You will ALWAYS have your daughter, even though she may not be as present. Have courage but most importantly, try despritely to keep the love you have for her alive through your husband and your children. After all, it is love that makes life worth it. Without love, we truly have nothing.
My best regards,
Jessica