So what's going on now you ask...Well I
found more emails, after that statement
(after she lied and I bought it), that's
what happened...
I feel like she's a good mother and would
never do anything to hurt the kids, and I
firmly believe that children need their
mother...I would have joint custody or
whatever you call it, she would never deny
me the right to spend time with my kids.
As for seeming eager to end the
relationship, yes you're correct...I've
been cheated on, lied to, decieved and
made to feel like a worthless piece of
crap for far too long now...Is that
wrong?
i am glad you feel like she is a good
mother and would never hurt the kids.
But I still have to ask -why wouldn't you
ask her to leave the house, and you stay?
She's the one who cheated-it seems like
she needs her freedom.
It doesn't make any sense that the parent
who did the wrongdoing stays in the home,
with the kids.
Best of luck!
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DPantelones
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Posted: 02-06-07 13:40pm
birch
wrote:
dpantelones
wrote:
birch, thanks for your comments...
So what's going on now you ask...Well I
found more emails, after that statement
(after she lied and I bought it), that's
what happened...
I feel like she's a good mother and would
never do anything to hurt the kids, and I
firmly believe that children need their
mother...I would have joint custody or
whatever you call it, she would never deny
me the right to spend time with my kids.
As for seeming eager to end the
relationship, yes you're correct...I've
been cheated on, lied to, decieved and
made to feel like a worthless piece of
crap for far too long now...Is that
wrong?
i am glad you feel like she is a good
mother and would never hurt the kids.
But I still have to ask -why wouldn't you
ask her to leave the house, and you stay?
She's the one who cheated-it seems like
she needs her freedom.
It doesn't make any sense that the parent
who did the wrongdoing stays in the home,
with the kids.
Best of luck!
i see your point, and guess i've watched
too much tv. Would a judge actually
allow me to stay in the house with the
kids and make her move out?? I want to
explore this as thoroughly as I can, I
guess a lawyer is the next logical step...
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Birch
Moderator
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3962 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 126
Thanked:12
Posted: 02-06-07 13:55pm
dpantelones
wrote:
i see your point, and guess i've watched
too much tv. Would a judge actually
allow me to stay in the house with the
kids and make her move out?? I want to
explore this as thoroughly as I can, I
guess a lawyer is the next logical
step...
yes, it is possible. Marriage laws are
different from state to state. You need
a lawyer, one with knowledge and interest
in father's rights.
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Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1407 Location: , Georgia USA
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You Are Not Alone! Posted: 02-06-07 14:02pm
By all means get you a good attorney! My
brother is going through the exact same
thing. He has 3 children (13, 10 and 6).
He moved out of the house, as he was the
(mommy & daddy) he literally did
everything for these kids. Gets them up
and ready for school each morning, packs
their lunches, does their laundry, takes
and picks them up from school, takes them
to soccer practice...Different
circumstances as now he's going through a
divorce. I also told him he needed to
"document everything' looks a lot better
to a judge....Ex: the email exchanges,
instant messages, the recorded phone
calls, being caught at various places
together...... They are also going for
joint custody and have a mutual
understanding when it comes to the kids,
the kids are allowed to come and go to
either parents, as they are in the same
town. Have you discussed moving out as an
option? For a long time (over 8 months)
my brother and his wife stayed in separate
bedrooms in the same house. I'm not
saying you should stay or move to another
location. My heart does go out to you,
because I have been in a similar
situation....Years ago. There is someone
out there who will appreciate you and
those great kids.
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DPantelones
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Thanks Birch And Fairygodmother Posted: 02-06-07 15:59pm
Let the documentation begin I guess...Man
this is hard, you know what I mean? I've
had a couple of friends go through
divorce, one who's wife cheated on him,
and I always thought "man i'm lucky to
have such a great wife..." --> what a
fool I was! Grrrrr
i can't help but be angry, but at the same
time, talking it out here and with family
and friends, i've realized it's not my
fault and i'm not going to feel bad about
myself, not feel sorry for myself. She
can throw a pity party for herself if she
likes, but she'll get zero compassion from
me!
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 02-07-07 19:13pm
D..If things are really going badly, and
she is the one causing all the distress,
then tell her you want her to leave. If
she complains, too bad. She is the one
who is not happy in the home, not you.
If you think there is a chance this
marriagemight still work, the go for a
separation first. That way you have time
to adjust to your new lives, and should
you find that you want to get back
together, you still can. If after 6
months you decide you aren't going to make
it work, you can start divorce
proceedings. From what you say in your
posts, it sounds like your wife is
confused about what she wants at this
point. All those things she said you did
or didn't do, were because she was
comparing you with the new guy. That
will stop after she realizes this guy is
no different than any other jerk around,
only worse, because he's willing to sneak
around with a married woman! Sounds like
a real gentleman! Document everything
you can, don't do anything that could be
used against you in court, ex: hit her, or
drink too much, they try to use every
little thing against you. Don't cater to
her moods, or agree with her when she
tries to blame you for things. She knows
the real reasons she cheated, and it's not
because of you, it's what's within her own
heart. Let her know that you are a
decent man, a good father, and still love
her, but won't tolerate her betrayals..
Period. She will respect you more for
being strong, especially in her confused
state. Stability is usually what these
people need. And don't for a minute
think you can't tell her what you think of
her betrayal. Let her know, blast her
good! This may sound stupid, but it's
true. When people cheat, and are
caught, and their spouse cries, begs and
asks "what did I do wrong?", all it does
is aggrivate the cheater, because they
know it's them that did the wrong, not
you. The crying and whining makes them
feel more guilt, whereas if you blast them
good for what they've done, it's the
punishment they feel they really deserve,
and it somehow relieves the guilt. Go
figure! I tested this with several people
I know, and it worked with all of them.
Cheaters want to be punished, and as I
always say, doormats are for wiping your
feet on! You teach people how to treat
you by your actions. Respect yourself,
and so will they. I wish you the best.
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DPantelones
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Raven... Posted: 02-08-07 10:46am
Raven, thanks once again for the great
reply!
I have a question for you and anyone else
who wishes to respond; i'm prepared to
ask her to leave now, but should I wait
until our next therapy session (on tues)?
I don't see any benefit from waiting
until then, neither she nor the therapist
is going to change my mind (he will likely
ask me to wait, try a new exercise, and so
on), too much has gone on already and
nothing can change my mind at this
point.
I don't feel like I can ever trust her
again. I don't feel that she's truthful
when she says she's not in communication
with the guy anymore. She still hasn't,
and will not, admitted to the affair even
after being confronted with their
conversations (he's just a friend she
says), and how on earth can I be expected
to forgive her when she won't admit her
mistakes? I don't even know if I could
forgive her if she did admit to it! I
don't think (key word) I love her anymore.
I don't respect her in any way other
than I still believe she's a good mother
to our kids. I cannot stand to be around
her anymore. I'm uncomfortable in her
presence and I want her out.
What if she won't leave?
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 02-08-07 12:09pm
Does she want to make your marriage work?
Is she worried that you won't want to
try? If yes, then she needs to be honest
now. If she says there is nothing going
on, she needs to prove it to you until you
are confident she isn't lying, however
long it takes. If she's not willing to
do that, then she needs to get out and
live the life she thinks she wants.
Sometimes that's all it takes is a taste
of that, to get them to realize how good
they actually had it at home. I wouldn't
wait until the next session. What good
is that going to do? It's obviously not
working now. She must have family,
friends, or the other guy she can go stay
with. That's what I told my husband when
I asked him to leave. He was really mad,
and wanted to know where he was going to
go, and I told him "i'm sure these new
friends of yours that you are always
talking about and going out with will help
you out!" remember, at that time, I
didn't know there was another woman
involved. All I knew was he was going
out alot, and seeing all these friends
from work. So voila! Let them put you
up! If she refuses to leave, then you
could check with a lawyer to see what your
legal rights are. Tell them she is
making you and your kids a nervous wreck
with her actions and you can't take it.
My husband reluctantly left, partly
because I think the idea of being on his
own was exciting...At first. But then
reality started to set in, bills had to be
paid on both his new apartment (no, he
didn't move in with the other woman or
friends) and our home. By the time he
came back, I thought he was going to have
a breakdown from all the stress that he
caused himself and me and our kids. Oh
well! You made the mess, you clean it
up!
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DPantelones
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Posted: 02-08-07 16:53pm
The only thing I ever got from her when
asking her that ("do you want this
marriage to work?") was a "i don't
know..." --> i'm the only one who's
been trying at this thing, up until I
found the new crop of emails 2 weeks ago.
No, she hasn't assured me that there was
nothing physical going on, she hasn't
assured me that she's not still talking to
the guy, nothing.
A separation hopefully will get her to
thinking about things a bit harder. I'm
not saying i'm using it as a tool or a
punishment for her, but it's a necessity
for me at this point. And for the kids.
Although they don't let on, i'm sure
they sense the tension!
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 02-08-07 19:48pm
Ok d, sounds like she is not ready to try
and make things work. She's still lying
and confused, which means she is still in
the throws of the relationship with the
other guy. On the other side of the
coin, has she said she wants to end your
marriage now? Maybe you need to ask her
this if you haven't already. I would
never try and tell youwhat to do, as I
don't know you or the whole story
personally, so I can only tell you what I
did, which was to ask my husband to leave
at that point. When they don't know what
they want, then it isn't with the family.
I started proceedings for the separation
right after that. It takes a while from
the time they serve her with papers to the
actual court date. We never got that
far. My husband wanted to come home
right after he got the papers, but was
afraid to ask me because he didn't want to
hear me say no. He finally told me about
2 days before we were due to go to court.
I guess it put the fear of god into him.
I talked to my lawyer, and he suggested
to just keep the papers filed for 6
months, that way if he still cheated on
me, I could continue the proceedings
without having to refile. There is so
much that happened in between all this
that is too long to write here. I could
make a tv movie out of it, along with a
million other people that have gone
through this. But the main thing is, if
they don't want to stop what they are
doing, then you have no choice but to take
matters into your own hands for your life
and your kids. Go on the preface that it
is over between you. That will help you
to get ready for whatever comes. If it's
bad, you'll be ready, if she has a change
of heart, then it's you who will have to
do the soul searching as to whether you
want to give her a second chance or not.
If this is a first time at cheating, you
can still save your marriage if she
promises to stop, and means it. If she
is a repeat cheater, I say cut the rope
and let her go. Who needs to live with
someone that tortures you and your kids
like that.
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DPantelones
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Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
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Posted: 02-09-07 13:53pm
Raven, i'm of the belief that this is the
first time she's done anything like this.
She will not admit the extent of her
relationship with him, still maintains "we
are friends, nothing else!", so I feel
like I have no choice.
I don't know if she's still communicating
with the guy, and nothing she can do or
say will reassure me of that. I feel
like I must go on the assumption she is
not "over it" and is still doing whatever
with him. Like you say, she's confused
and not ready to take responsibility for
her actions, so I have no choice. I told
her I wanted her out last night, she
refused. She says she loves me and wants
to continue on with therapy and neither of
us to leave. I told her, again, what I
needed for that to happen (admit your
mistakes and come clean about everything)
and she still won't do it. I don't know
what the roadblock is, I even told her
that I would stay if she could just give
it up. She knows what I saw with my own
2 eyes, why on earth would she continue to
lie, and in front of the therapist to
boot?
Anyway, thanks again raven, for bearing
your soul and offering some great insight.
I hope we're able to reconcile some day,
because I really do love her. What I
feel for her now is resentment, anger and
frustration though, I can't tap the love
for now.
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 02-09-07 15:37pm
I'm really sorry for you d. She is a
tough nut to crack. Maybe there are
other factors involved, like maybe the
other guy is married, and if she admits
it, his wife will find out, causing
further problems. She also might feel
that you may be bluffing about wanting her
out, and will not follow through, so she
refuses to go. She really is confused and
her lying is not making things any better,
but rather causing you further resentment.
I don't know why she can't see this.
What is the good of going to a therapist
if she is going to lie? It's a total
waste of time, and so is your marriage if
she is so determined not to tell the
truth. If she wants to keep your
marriage together, that's what she needs
to do. She may be afraid to tell you if
she has been intimate with this guy, for
fear that will totally drive you to
divorce, and as long as she denies, you
are never totally sure, causing you to be
somewhat reluctant to file divorce or
separation on her. This woman needs a
real wake up call. She can't have it
both ways. Sooner or later she has to
face the music and put all of you out of
your misery. I wish you the best, and
hope she will wake up and see what a good
man she is throwing away for a cheater.
Keep strong, god bless.
