Wadude, your wife must have been so hurt
that she needed to try and see for herself
what it was that you felt was so much
better to make you betray her. I am sure
she's not proud of what she did now that
it's over. Ask her sometime, "did it
actually make you feel better to get even
with me?" she wanted to hurt you like you
hurt her. To let you know how it feels
to be betrayed, and I can tell you from
talking to both men and woman, that the
men have a much harder time forgiving than
women do. What you need to do is, if you
want to make a go of your marriage, both
of you..Sit down and talk to each other,
not in anger, but objectively about what
each of you needs from the other now.
Chances are there are going to be some
things neither of you wants to hear, but
hear them, and try to figure out how to
change them. When my husband and I would
talk, even when we would get mad at some
of the things that were said, we always
felt better afterwards, and we actually
became closer getting everything out on
the table. Most of the time, we are
afraid to talk, for fear of what we are
going to hear, but the way I look at it,
when you are in a loving relationship, you
should not have to be afraid to tell your
partner of your feelings. Your partner
is supposed to be your best friend and
confidant. If you have to be afraid to
speak your mind for fear of the other
leaving, then you really shouldn't be
together. I hope you and your wife can
settle things and get back to healing your
marriage. It's worth it in the long run.
There is nothing more beautiful in life
than going through it with the one person
you love and trust, raising a beautiful
family and growing old together. No
matter what the tv shows try to show us
about the single life, from my
experiences, I can tell you I have never
seen so many lonely sad people, all
looking for love..Not sex. Sex is a
wonderful thing, but after it's over, you
still have to maintain a relationship with
the other person, and that's where the
problems start. Affairs come to pass
because of the way that other person makes
you feel in the moment, not the actual sex
that's involved. Good luck to you
wadude, and you too d!
|
wadude
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Feb 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 02-08-07 09:03am
I'm not sure if it's getting even. What I
did was more than 1 year ago. Her last
thing was less than 2 weeks ago. It
happened once. She's been doing this for
6 months. Not to mention that getting
even is certainly not going to make things
better.
Anyway, i'm not sure if women forgive more
easily than men. I knew something was
going 6 months ago. I confronted her at
this time and she denied everything. And
at this time, I told her I didn't care
because I wanted our mariage to work. I
would have forgiven her right away. Even
now, I know the first time was out of
anger. I have a much harder time for has
happened recently.
But, in reality, I realize that it is not
the cheating that bothers me but the
context.
We've talked during counselling sessions
of the issues we have. I work a lot and
about 2 years ago I wasn't always
available. When I told her what happened,
she told me about me being absent etc.
And I changed for the best, right away, so
we got to do a lot of things together.
However, she doesn't want to work, and she
doesn't want to have babies (and at this
stage, obviously babies are really not a
good idea). She wants a constraint-free
life.
So, this is where the context comes into
play. I support our family, she enjoys
her time working out, shopping, having
lunch with friends (but not having time to
have lunch with me, even before something
happened).
I obviously realize that this is not an
excuse to betray her the way I did, but
this was already an issue before I
betrayed her and now, it's becoming more
of an issue.
We talked about it several times and the
counsellor actually told me that I had to
realize that she just didn't like to work.
By the way, i'm really not the type to
hold grudge and I am very trusting. She
still goes to the place where she met the
two guys. I'm ok with it. Really. Why?
Because in the end, if we want to make
things work, we need to trust each other.
If I told her, we're going to make things
work, but you don't go there anymore,
there seems to be some trust issue and it
has to be 100%. It's a black and white
thing. Either you trust someone or you
don't and I made the choice to trust her
(although the wound is only 1 week old).
|
raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 54
Posted: 02-08-07 11:58am
Ok, first, yes, you want to be able to
trust again, but she has got to prove that
she can be trusted. You can't trust
without her giving you some kind of
assurance. If you have been trying since
you cheated, an have shown her you are
sincerce, does she really believe you?
If yes, then it's time to work on her
betrayal. She has to want to stop, and
make your marriage work, or you are
wasting your time. The majority of women
do forgive more than men, but there are
always the exceptions to the rule.
Catering to her every whim is not the
answer either. Yes, you cheated, yes,
you are sorry and want to stay with her
and make your marriage work again, now she
has to put forth her efforts as well. If
she does not want to work or have
children, will you be ok with this for the
duration? If not, you have problems to
work out. Find out what you both want
from this relationships and move towards
it. If there is no common ground, then
maybe you should cut loose. You aren't
going be ok with her going places where
there are men she has cheated with in the
past, unless it's the workplace, where
there isn't much you can do about it.
She, as well as you, have got to stay away
from temptations as much as possible.
That is part of proving trust. When
trust is finally established, then you can
begin to do things and go places from
before. You need some time to get the
trust back. But actually, the truth is,
if they want to cheat, they are going to
do it, no matter where. After my husband
was back home a few months, he asked me if
it still bothered me that he works at the
same place the other woman still did, and
I said yes, but it was him who begged me
to take him back and make the marriage
work. I was giving it one more chance,
so if I couldn't trust him there,
icouldn't trust him anywhere. End of
discussion. All this has to be hashed out
before the healing process has to begin.
It's going to be hard, and there will be
battles, but that doesn't mean you can't
still work it out once all the hurt and
frustration comes out into the open. And
she needs to be honest, and open up to
you, and vice versa, or you are beating
your heads against a brick wall.
|
wadude
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Feb 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 02-09-07 10:00am
Thanks for the answer raven.
Actually, the reason I want to be able to
forgive right away is because i've seen
what not being able to leads to. It took
us more than a year to see her trusting me
again and loving me. But this was done
also getting even somehow and the last one
being very recent.
I don't want to have her go through what I
went through while dealing with my own
stupidity.
That said, children are out of question it
seems and on the long term, this is a
major issue for me.
|
raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 54
Posted: 02-09-07 20:56pm
I really wish you the best wadude. Trust
takes time, but there has to be a basis
for it. You both have got to want to
make your marriage work, or there is no
sense in even trying. All it will get
you is miserable, and you can be that
alone. Hope she comes around to seeing
things your way. You sure sound sincere
to me about being sorry. If you have
told her that, and yet she still needed to
get revenge, that should have been enough
for her. But if she continues to cheat,
then you have done all you can do. She
just might be the kind of woman that needs
constant attention from men after having
tasted it. The only problem with that
is, women like that expect too much of a
man. Being "everything" in another
person's life is too much pressure to put
on anybody. Nobody could live up to it
for long. Good luck my friend, and god
bless.
|
wadude
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Feb 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 02-10-07 17:01pm
Oh I am sorry! I'm so deeply sorry that
because of my selfishness or whatever it
is, I hurt her so much, and when I told
her, I said that I would wait all the time
needed for things to come back but that I
wanted things to be even better than
before. That we learn to communicate
etc.
And I did and still do absolutely
everything I could for things to come
around. There is nothing I wouldn't do
for her but unfortunately, this isn't
reciprocated.
