Blah

Blah blaze I feel you...I just went into a total slump. After so long of holding myself up after my last relationship....And now im just down, totaly sucks.

Dude it totally sucks. I can't stop crying. I'm taking offense at everything and i'm totally losing my patience with my kid for the smallest things. I don't know what to do.

I'm so good at giving advice but not at taking my own.. Urgh, I really feel like sh*t.

As my day goes on I go deeper into this slump. Just the other day I was super hyper and crazy wanting to have sex and cut myself and scream and climb trees and just go nuts...Now i'm burt out, my flame is gone and im slipping into this stupid depressave state.

Im trying to run every day to blow of steam but it seems like I run my body dead but my mind is still going 10000 miles an hour. i'm extremly frustrated

blaze im sorry ur havin a hard time also girl...I know its hard. Is there anyone eles involved in your kido's life? Grandparrents? Dad? Etc.

I know how it is to handle a child especially by yourself, and it does help to have some breath room...Everyone needs it.

Ha! His dad's a freaking bum. He just won't grow up. He helps out now and then by coming by and bathing him, or picking him up from daycare, but for all the big imprtant stuff-no help. My ex takes our son to his parent's house every 2 weekends because the baby cannot go to his house as they all smoke tons of dope in there and I will not allow my son into that environment. It is the only time he sees his grandparents as they don't call to see him any other times. My mother in law (mil) was supposed to watch him wednesday and she never called me.

I got valentine's day cards for my ex's parents from trey (my son) and one my ex from him too. I made a really nice dinner for us and u know what he did for me? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I guess I should be used to it by now as he never does anything for me on special days (not even mother's day last yr when it was my first one) I feel like I have the shitty end of a relationship. I can't date because my ex has to come to my house if he wants to see the baby so I have to choose (have guys over or let trey see his dad) I always make tons of efforts to make people smile and get treated like caca in return. I get treated better by my male co-workers than I ever did by my ex. Last night we got into another huge argument because I tried to tell him how hurt I was by everthing going on lately and he just sank into me.

As for my family, my mom lives on the other side of the country and is finally coming march first to meet her grandson (he's almost 20 months old!!) I had to buy her ticket too or i'm sure she still wouldn't be coming. I love my mom but i've always felt used by her. I had a rough teenage hood.

Anyway I dont' know if this is a pity party or what but there's just so much crap going on right now I don't know how to deal.

There's other stuff too that has nothing to do with my ex, like hating my house and neighbours. Having a crazy "friend" living downstairs from me who's boyfriend is a psycho and being worried about being shot through my living room window because people want to kill him. (and no i'm not calling the cops cause I don't want to be involved) and my landlord being a lying beep. Oh and it's really cold and snowy and I can't get out of my house with the damn stroller if my life depended on it. Ya i'm having a ton of fun.

I'm not one to complain much but lately I feel like I am being swamped with crap and need to vent.

Thanks for listening. Sorry so long, feel a bit better now too.

Im bipolar and have extremely long mood transitions...Sometimes they last for weeks. For me it alwasy starts with the mania and then leads to an extremely strong manic state. I have so much energy its not even funny...People that meet me face to face its always the second thing they notice..Firts its wow you look really young, then its like omg you ahve so much energy.

So when experiencing the highs I get really really really high. There is anexiety involved but nothing out of the ordinary....Especially for someone with bipolar. I wont go on anti anexiety meds because when I am freaking its usualy in a good way...Ie clean my whole house extremely good, go out and dance for 5 hours straight or just make everyone around me laugh and smile.

I dont know I just spin back and forth heavly. Funny thing is I would cut when I was up...Not down and depressed. I would cut and not even realize it tell it was 2 late and ive gone way 2 deep....Way 2 deep.

My middle ground is hard to find because for me there really isint one. Im extreme in regardless what im doing. Meds rarely work if they do they make me a zombie or do nothing. I've been taking lexapro for awhile now and love it. Alot of people will say I shouldnt be on an anti depresant but ive been more stable, along with living by myself and not being in a toxic relationship, than I ever have.

I still get crazy from time to time.

See I just exerted so much energy typing this that my mind is just spinning. Im no longer depressed or bumed im just going going going. This is good for me becase im at work and will do 10 things at once. Send emails, work on a cad drawing, post, talk on the phone, etc.

Ok I need to cool off. I just saw your other post and didnt before I started writing this..Ima read it then reply

Hi again I just read your post. Im sorry all this siht is raining on you...When it rains it pours hun. I know financialy things can be really hard with a child involved...But have you ever thought about relocating? Not far but far enough to where you can have your space from all this crazyness..And can maybe split the time the dad has with the trey? Does he pay child support or anything? Or do you guys just handle it as it comes.

Also I know its hard right now being your little guy is only 19mo old but as he gets older things will clear up. You really shouldnt let anything stop you from meeting new people. It really seems like thats what you need, some positive healthy people in your life. Dont ever give up home and you and your little guy are so adorable in your pic there ^_^.

And yes vent vent vent vent, complain complain...Its good for you, you know this. Also you know becuase im sure your the same...Some of us need to have others vent so we have something to think about rather than our own stupid lifes!! Haha right? ^_^

i know how you feel, i feel like im overwhelmed with everything. Some days out of nowhere i just feel like crying and Jason doesnt understand , he assumes theres gotta be a reason why im upset when there isnt one i can think of to tell him. but then he made it worse a few weeks ago when i was laying on the couch depressed he was like are u still depressed and i asked why first and he said cuz it was bringing him the f**k down. and one night was supposed to have a girls night but i just didnt wanna go anymore i was really depressed but he goes to drop his friends off at the train station and calls to ask if he can go out and get drunk. he didnt go out but came home mad at me. but common sense , why would he go out in the first place when im really depressed and home alone with 2 children. he asks if i need therapy but then doesnt want me going anywhere because he doesnt want people knowing our business. so its kind of a lost cause. he helps out about as much as yer guy does. he give them baths occasionally , maybe change a diaper other then that he does nothing he spent 8 hrs sat watching tv , some season dvds while i was cleaning and stopping to take care of the kids and fee em etc. didnt help out one bit then got mad cuz i got mad at him "for no reason". they wonder why we get depressed . ugh men sometimes.