Eating Disorders Forum

Hello, my name is mahina and I am 22 years old, attending my last year of college (of 5 years). I have been fighting 3 different eating disorders for the past 5 years. Bulimia, anorexia, compulsive over eating and chewing and spitting. I am here to interact with others who know how it is to go thru this horrible roller coaster, never being able to get off. I am here to receive advice and guidance, in hopes to finally see the light and have these habits come to a halt. Here is my story.
As a child I was always chubby. Into high school I was over weight, and it was always an issue for me. My first sign of an eating disorder was senior year in hs, when the purging started and wouldn’t go away. Weighing in at 180 at 5’5, I felt out of place among my friends who were all size 5 and below. I wanted to do something for myself, so I started an exercise regimen and a “diet”. Of course being that heavy, results came quickly. I lost about 15 pounds at the end of my senior year. I wanted to be lean for the first year of college, so I worked myself over summer too. That’s when the bulimia began. I don’t remember why or how it started exactly. All I know is that I would hurl sometimes after big meals, it made me feel better, the voices stopped. I remember once, my little sister walking in on me in the bathroom while I stuck my finger down my throat. No one would believe I had an eating disorder, I was still fat…
you know how they say first year of college you gain 15 pounds? “the freshmen fifteen”? Well, for me it was the exact opposite. It was the freshmen -15. I was obsessed; I mean obsessed with dieting and exercising. Every calorie that entered my mouth was calculated. Throughout the day I would add up everything I ate and made sure it was less than 1000 calories, sometimes 800. It was working, I was loosing weight. Unfortunately, I was also loosing my ability to see what I was doing to myself. Anorexia and bulemia was present in my life for 2 years.
At the end of my 2nd year in college, I had lost a total of 60 pounds. I went from 170 pounds a size 12, to a size 1 at about 112 pounds. I am 5’6, but my body is not built to be 112 pounds. I got questioned a lot by my friends and family if anything was wrong. I was approached by my cousin asking me if I was on drugs! In my mind I did not see what they were seeing. I was still fat! Can you believe that, I thought I was still fat!! I look at the pictures now and I feel sick to my stomach, I was too thin, it was disgusting. Well, the voices were winning me over and I fought off what anyone told me about eating disorders. Though, deep inside I knew I had to do something about it.
It was my third summer home and I was surrounded by my family. This means lots and lots of food!! At the end of summer I gained about 10 pounds that I needed to gain. From size 1, I went to a size 3/5. Inside, the voices were still shouting and I tried to ignore them. It was hard, but I fought it off. It was the end of summer, and I had to go back to college. I was depressed to leave home, my family and my man. Depression took a hold of me. Now, I fell deeper. Something worse happened to me, something worse than those eating disorders…
i was extremely depressed at this time and would binge eat. School and weight issues were always on my mind. Though, instead of being strong and fighting these different voices, I caved in. I would eat and eat carbs in the middle of the night. I couldn’t think about anything else but food. A voice inside of me said, “its okay to eat, you were starving yourself for 2 years so have a cookie!” I would later feel guilty and purge.
There were so many emotions present at this time. I would go into them, but it gets way to confusing.
Okay, so let’s get this straight. I lost 70 pounds within 3 years (seems okay), but I lost the weight in extreme spurts. I still felt fat (first sign of ed). I saw a fat lady in the mirror. I eventually fell into depression and ate my feelings away. Ate my emotions away. Within the last 1.5 years, I have gained 50 pounds. 50 pounds!!!
What, how, why!?? I have been depressed for the past 2 years now. I admit I have been binge eating for the past year. I do it on occasions, like when finals week comes around. My stress levels triple and I m left with an empty feeling. I am alone here in college, with an ocean separating me from my family, the love I need. I don’t like being weak and feeling sorry for myself, but it’s hard to be strong. My habits today are destructive and I am on a down ward spiral. I chew and spit, a rare eating disorder. I didn’t know anyone else did it, until I saw someone on the tyra show. I was shocked; I thought I was the only one. I try to get myself together, and then I fall into depression and eat again. I barely purge anymore, maybe twice a month. But I chew and spit a lot! I like to play tricks on my mind. By spitting out that bag of chips and cookies, I won’t get the calories but I enjoyed the taste. It’s disgusting! But I can’t stop. I realized that I am slight unconscious when I am doing this. My mind starts to wander and thoughts just flow, negative thoughts. I get worried and nervous, and then I eat more and more. I can sit and stare, while chewing and not realize that an hour has gone by. I am in a deep trance, hypnotized by the deep emotions and food in front of me. Sounds silly as I read this over, why am I doing this!? It’s so stupid and a waste of my life! But it’s easier said then done. My body has these cravings for food and I always give in. I get agitated if I don’t and I feel restless.
As I sit here its 12:30 am and I am tempted to bake a cake, to chew and spit. I know all these symptoms point out, “see a doctor, now!” I actually did, two years ago. It was my summer home and I told my parents the thoughts I had in my head. I took a term off from college to re-coup. I talked to a psychologist, and I poured my heart and feelings out to her. After the second session, she recommended for me to go on depression meds. That set me apart from the medical world, from the doctors. From that day on, after my third session, I knew I could do it on my own. There after, I cured myself and was feeling well for about 5 months. Then the depression hit again, once I returned back to california for school.
Today I m facing even louder voices that screams, “youre fat, no one wants you, youre a failure!!” failure because I lost all that weight, and now I am back at square one. I am a looser and I don’t belong in society. I don’t deserve friends because I am fat and unattractive. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to scream back at these voices. They are ruling my life.

the Voices